Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[driverrob]

Mick: Paddy, if you were stranded on a desert island, who would you most like to be stranded there with you?
Paddy: My uncle Tommy.
Mick: Why is that?
Paddy: He's got a boat.



Son: Am I adopted?
Dad: Not yet. We can't find anyone who wants you.




Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Woman: I keep finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.

examination

Doctor: They're not stamps. They're labels off bananas.

[Vipers]

driverrob said:

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Woman: I keep finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.

examination

Doctor: They're not stamps. They're labels off bananas.

[Trophy Husband]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other.."Does this taste funny to you?"

[Trophy Husband]

Continuing with the cannibal theme....

Father and son cannibal are out foraging as the family is starving. Walking through some woods they come upon a clearing bathed in sunlight. On the soft grass they spot a beautiful blonde, naked, taking in the rays. The son says "Dad, dad, you promised me first bite, you promised!"

The father looks, takes his son by the shoulders and says. "Son, I know you are starving but let's take her home, then we can eat your mum."

[Monkeylegend]

A cannibal got home from work and found his wife chopping up a python and a 3' 6" man.

"What's for dinner ?" he asked

"It's your favourite" she replied" snake and pygmy pie"

[Monkeylegend]

Two cannibals having dinner.

"Your wife makes great soup" said one

"Yes, she does" said the other "but I am really going to miss her"

[Vipers]

It has been determined the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

[Laurel Green]

There's cameras everywhere these days.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

The wife's sleeping with a huge smile on her face.

I love felt tip pens.

[Pieman68]

Two nuns were driving down the road on a dark rainy night

All of a sudden Count Dracula swoops down and lands right in front of them forcing an emergency stop

“Quick” said Sister Mary, “show him your cross”

Sister Theresa wound down her window and shouted “get out of the road you fking idiot”

[Short Grain]

Vipers said:

driverrob said:

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Woman: I keep finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.

examination

Doctor: They're not stamps. They're labels off bananas.

I lick that, I lick that a lot!!

[The Dangerous Elk]

Short Grain said:

I lick that, I lick that a lot!!

This is why I peal a banana and don't lick it like a lolly

[Gargamel]

Two lesbian vampires...

One says. See you next month.

[davhill]

The Dangerous Elk said:

This is why I peal a banana and don't lick it like a lolly

That rings a bell.

[Jonboy_t]

My girlfriend has OCD and have insisted that I alphabetise my DVD’s.

I can’t put UP with IT anymore.

[K12beano]

Jonboy_t said:

My girlfriend has OCD and have insisted that I alphabetise my DVD’s.

I can’t put UP with IT anymore.

Are you looking for sympathy?

(It’s between st and syphilis)

[Shuvi McTupya]

Jonboy_t said:

My girlfriend has OCD and have insisted that I alphabetise my DVD’s.

I can’t put UP with IT anymore.

Took me a few seconds !

[Evangelion]

Pieman68 said:

... “show him your cross” ...

Rev. Geraldine Grainger, 1996.

[hairyben]

Evangelion said:

Rev. Geraldine Grainger, 1996.

older than that!

[Vipers]

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.