Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Vipers said:
Evangelion said:
Vipers said:
... So ... here I am ...
Wouldn't be a Vipers joke without that!!
we come to expect a rounded ending to his jokes or it isn't quite a Vipers joke!!
said he, loving the endings and his jokes.
Kenty said:
Isn't life strange? Vipers has had a year or two of derision, scorn and indignant comments over his joke endings and now
we come to expect a rounded ending to his jokes or it isn't quite a Vipers joke!!
said he, loving the endings and his jokes.
Vipers contributes lots of jokes, so thanks for that. we come to expect a rounded ending to his jokes or it isn't quite a Vipers joke!!
said he, loving the endings and his jokes.
Here's the short version of the golf joke.
My wife said 'it's your birthday, take me upstairs and do anything you want'.
So I took her upstairs and went down the pub.
I was in the pub with the wife and I said 'I love you'.
She said 'Is that just the beer talking?'
I replied 'no that's me talking to the beer'.
I came home the other day and the wife had left a note on the fridge door which said:
'It's not working. I can't take it. I've gone to my mother's'.
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold.
No idea what that was about.
And still no dinner (optional Vipers ending)
Vipers said:
Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up.
"Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sexy nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’.... and on the bed she had handcuffs, various lengths of rope, a blindfold and a variety of toys. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am....
The first time I heard this one, I was working on a Blood Service team at a mobile session. It was lunchtime, and over our cups of tea and packed lunches one of the girls told this story. Only she told it all in first person - she was the one hand cuffed to the bed. Jack's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up.
"Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a sexy nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well, she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’.... and on the bed she had handcuffs, various lengths of rope, a blindfold and a variety of toys. She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So--- Here I am....
Now, you have to understand that we all latched on to the fact it was a joke, all except one team member who was almost terminally dim, and listened in awe.
When she got to the end of the joke, which in this case went, "so I said you can do anything you want, and he said, oh good, I'm off down the pub then," we all had a laugh, and a moment's silence reigned, during which our dim colleague piped up, "so how long were you there then?"
We were choking on our sandwiches and helpless with laughter for minutes, before the dim one started to realise what was going on, got all shirty with us and stomped out. Sometimes the real things that happen are funnier than the jokes.
Kenty said:
Vipers said:
Evangelion said:
Vipers said:
... So ... here I am ...
Wouldn't be a Vipers joke without that!!we come to expect a rounded ending to his jokes or it isn't quite a Vipers joke!!
said he, loving the endings and his jokes.
A polar bear walks into a bar:-
"Can I have a pint of lager please.................................
....................................................................................
...................................................................................
...................................................................................
And a packet of cheese and onion crips?"
"Certainly sir" replied the barman, "but can I ask what's with the big pause"
"I'm a polar bear, they're for catching fish"
"Can I have a pint of lager please.................................
....................................................................................
...................................................................................
...................................................................................
And a packet of cheese and onion crips?"
"Certainly sir" replied the barman, "but can I ask what's with the big pause"
"I'm a polar bear, they're for catching fish"
Pieman68 said:
A polar bear walks into a bar:-
"Can I have a pint of lager please.................................
....................................................................................
...................................................................................
...................................................................................
And a packet of cheese and onion crips?"
"Certainly sir" replied the barman, "but can I ask what's with the big pause"
"I'm was considering what flavour crisps I wanted. What's the f
king rush? Have you got somewhere to be?"
FTFM "Can I have a pint of lager please.................................
....................................................................................
...................................................................................
...................................................................................
And a packet of cheese and onion crips?"
"Certainly sir" replied the barman, "but can I ask what's with the big pause"
"I'm was considering what flavour crisps I wanted. What's the f
king rush? Have you got somewhere to be?"Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff