Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[paua]

glenrobbo said:

glenrobbo said:

nonsequitur said:

Ryder Cup commentator observing some game birds on a short hole, 'we've got a partridges on a par three'. Exellent!

Tee hee.

:redflag:
I have moved this comment to the correct "Puns" thread and I have given myself a stern warning about my conduct.
:

Blue flag, Bot. Ham is faster than you. Do you understand????????????

[glenrobbo]

paua said:

Blue flag, Bot. Ham is faster than you. Do you understand????????????

Yes, understood.

But why did my :redflag: not work?

Aha! Because I should have used a

[Vipers]

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

[mickk]

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window."
He said, "We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, “You do now!"

[Lordbenny]

Vipers said:

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

Did you make this joke up yourself? It really isn’t funny!

[Nimby]

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

Did you make this joke up yourself? It really isn’t funny!

How about:
...
"Who's winning?"
"They haven't kicked off yet. The captains are still shaking hands."

[nonsequitur]

Nimby said:

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

Did you make this joke up yourself? It really isn’t funny!

How about:
...
"Who's winning?"
"They haven't kicked off yet. The captains are still shaking hands."

[Tony 1234]

Nimby said:

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

Did you make this joke up yourself? It really isn’t funny!

How about:
...
"Who's winning?"
"They haven't kicked off yet. The captains are still shaking hands."

[Evangelion]

How about:


"Who's playing?"

"Two teams of centipedes."

"What's the score?"

"None, they haven't finished kicking off yet."

[K12beano]

"Who's playing?"

"Two teams of millipedes."

"What's the score?"

"None, they haven't finished getting their boots on yet."

[tjl]

Evangelion said:

How about:


"Who's playing?"

"Two teams of centipedes."

"What's the score?"

"None, they haven't finished kicking off yet."

Surely it should be "None, they haven't finished putting their boots on yet"

[LordGrover]

Centipedes vs Millipedes?

[GAjon]

tjl said:

Surely it should be "None, they haven't finished putting their boots on yet"

One of the teams top players, number 0, isn’t even a centipede.

You can hear the crowd chanting-

Earwig 0
Earwig 0
Earwig 0!

[bigandclever]

A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says “Wow I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

[K12beano]

Are you sure it was a weasel?


Could be a stoat - can you tell the difference?

A weasel is weasily distinguished because a stoat is stoately different.

[phazed]

There is a rumour that quality-control is going to step in soon!

[Gargamel]

phazed said:

There is a rumour that quality-control is going to step in soon!

7 volumes too late

[nonsequitur]

LordGrover said:

Centipedes vs Millipedes?

Very late kick-off. Referee has been eaten, the linesman's signals are confusing and very slow pitch invasion is taking place.

[Vipers]

Lordbenny said:

Vipers said:

Man walking his dog through the local park sees a game of football going on.

He says to one of the spectators, "Who's playing"

Spectator says "Two local Masonic lodges"

Man says "Who's winning"

Spectator says "Can't tell you, it's a secret"

Did you make this joke up yourself? It really isn’t funny!

Your living proof you cant please them all, and the answer is no.

[48k]

George and Zippy won't be having any more bedtime stories from Geoffrey.