Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[PixelpeepS3]

Trophy Husband said:

Bonsai tree for sale. Large.

My Bonsai tree business is going so well we're looking for smaller premises

[davhill]

A fellow rifle club member is off to Barbados to Join a cruise shortly.
Someone advised him to steer clear of icebergs.
I had to add my advice... 'and watch out for Somali penguins.'

[Pieman68]

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic

Laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

Yes loads of game hanging up, good old fashion proper butchers shop. I left there in 82, haven't been back since.

Blimey!
Was it as bad as that?

actually it was a lovely place, moved on to greener pastures work wise.

[grumpy52]

[grumpy52]

[Evangelion]

Did you hear about the man who was into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality?

He was flogging a dead horse.

[rayny]

Vipers said:

actually it was a lovely place, moved on to greener pastures work wise.

I never realised that you were a farmer, - I thought you were a matelot

[Vipers]

rayny said:

Vipers said:

actually it was a lovely place, moved on to greener pastures work wise.

I never realised that you were a farmer, - I thought you were a matelot

Good one, now my secret is out.

[Pieman68]

Hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

Sold his soul to santa

[66mpg]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

[Doofus]

grumpy52 said:

Finally answers my question about who adds the Viper's Redundancy. Americans obviously, and incorrectly, think that, just like food or Americoffee, more is better.

[Trophy Husband]

PixelpeepS3 said:

Trophy Husband said:

Bonsai tree for sale. Large.

My Bonsai tree business is going so well we're looking for smaller premises

[Fer]

dfen5 said:

As it’s winter, time to roll this one out.


Went for a walk, saw a ginger girl on a sledge.

She said, "Can you pull me?"

I said, "Probably, but I'd have to be very, very drunk".

I like that one, I will add it to my Red Head collection.

It's up there with - What's the best thing about having a ginger child?

Knowing you won't have to bully therm yourself.

[Vipers]

Fer said:

dfen5 said:

As it’s winter, time to roll this one out.


Went for a walk, saw a ginger girl on a sledge.

She said, "Can you pull me?"

I said, "Probably, but I'd have to be very, very drunk".

I like that one, I will add it to my Red Head collection.

It's up there with - What's the best thing about having a ginger child?

Knowing you won't have to bully therm yourself.

Reminds of me and the OH standing in the garden, she says looking at our neighbours garden "Leslie has a nice bush"

I wish

[Evangelion]

66mpg said:

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

And I bet all his friends went, oh, oh, oh.

[Wacky Racer]

Trophy Husband said:

I just lost in a bid for a beautiful grandfather clock on e-bay.

Big time disappointment.

What did the Gestapo officer say to the broken down Grandfather clock?





"Vee haf vays of makin you tok"

[CanAm]

Vipers said:

Reminds of me and the OH standing in the garden, she says looking at our neighbours garden "Leslie has a nice bush"

I wish

I hope it was Lesley and not Leslie

[glenrobbo]

Vipers said:

rayny said:

Vipers said:

actually it was a lovely place, moved on to greener pastures work wise.

I never realised that you were a farmer, - I thought you were a matelot

Good one, now my secret is out.

So a fish farmer then, eh Vipers?
Specialising in brown trout?

[glenrobbo]

Jethro went to see his doctor.

Dr: "What's the problem, Jethro?"
Jethro:" "I've got this serious hereditary problem, Doctor."
Dr: "And what are the symptoms? "
J: "I've got this terrible diarrhoea."
Dr. "That's not a hereditary condition, Jethro."

J. " Well, Doctor, its in me jeans."