Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
The Dangerous Elk said:
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
Understood. But I would argue that any entry on this thread should be funny,(to some anyway), and that the parentage / history of said joke is irrelevant. Jusy enjoy the moment.
Ahahahahahahahaha!
nonsequitur said:
The Dangerous Elk said:
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
Understood. But I would argue that any entry on this thread should be funny,(to some anyway), and that the parentage / history of said joke is irrelevant. Jusy enjoy the moment.
Ahahahahahahahaha!AndyDubbya said:
nonsequitur said:
The Dangerous Elk said:
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
Understood. But I would argue that any entry on this thread should be funny,(to some anyway), and that the parentage / history of said joke is irrelevant. Jusy enjoy the moment.
Ahahahahahahahaha!
AndyDubbya said:
nonsequitur said:
The Dangerous Elk said:
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
Understood. But I would argue that any entry on this thread should be funny,(to some anyway), and that the parentage / history of said joke is irrelevant. Jusy enjoy the moment.
Ahahahahahahahaha!GOG440 said:
Sticks. said:
Why does Tesco sell so many of these at this time of year?
Because for some people, Christmas is all about baby cheeses.
I think its funny
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Shamelessly stolen from FB, where it already had the obligatory Vipers redundant punchline! 
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
On the subject of condoms. When I was a lad of 15 I joined the Navy, and went into communications, learning Morse code amongst other things.I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
Morse code for a single letter e is a dot, but an È, it is .. _ _ ..
This question came up in a written exam “What is Morse code for È,
For the life I couldn’t remember, and in all innocence of a sheltered upbringing, I knew it was a letter usually associated with French, so I wrote down “A French letter”, bet the instructor had a laugh.
Vipers said:
On the subject of condoms. When I was a lad of 15 I joined the Navy, and went into communications, learning Morse code amongst other things.
Morse code for a single letter e is a dot, but an È, it is .. _ _ ..
This question came up in a written exam “What is Morse code for È,
For the life I couldn’t remember, and in all innocence of a sheltered upbringing, I knew it was a letter usually associated with French, so I wrote down “A French letter”.
The instructor fainted.
FTFYMorse code for a single letter e is a dot, but an È, it is .. _ _ ..
This question came up in a written exam “What is Morse code for È,
For the life I couldn’t remember, and in all innocence of a sheltered upbringing, I knew it was a letter usually associated with French, so I wrote down “A French letter”.
The instructor fainted.
Doofus said:
Vipers said:
On the subject of condoms. When I was a lad of 15 I joined the Navy, and went into communications, learning Morse code amongst other things.
Morse code for a single letter e is a dot, but an È, it is .. _ _ ..
This question came up in a written exam “What is Morse code for È,
For the life I couldn’t remember, and in all innocence of a sheltered upbringing, I knew it was a letter usually associated with French, so I wrote down “A French letter”.
The instructor fainted.
FTFYMorse code for a single letter e is a dot, but an È, it is .. _ _ ..
This question came up in a written exam “What is Morse code for È,
For the life I couldn’t remember, and in all innocence of a sheltered upbringing, I knew it was a letter usually associated with French, so I wrote down “A French letter”.
The instructor fainted.
Vipers said:
GOG440 said:
Sticks. said:
Why does Tesco sell so many of these at this time of year?
Because for some people, Christmas is all about baby cheeses.
I think its funny
We are but children aren't we? Well suited
Midget women goes to the doctors, and says, "doctor ive got a itchy fanny"... doctor lifts up her skirt, gets some sissors and goes snip snip, he says, "Is that better,... The midget says, "A bit better , but its still itchy doctor"... So the doctor lifts her skirt up again, snip snip snip snip, "Is that better" the doctor says, "Yes" the midget replies, "fantastic what did you do doctor"...? The doctor replies, "I cut the fur off the top of ur ugg boots"...
A lonely shy bloke decides to go to a singles night to try and meet a woman. He’d never had much success out in the field so thought it his best option.
Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
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