Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Trophy Husband said:
A lonely shy bloke decides to go to a singles night to try and meet a woman. He’d never had much success out in the field so thought it his best option.
Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
Narf. Would've been better if it'd been a strawberry so she could say, "I've got some cream for that." Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
but your going to hell.
Trophy Husband said:
A lonely shy bloke decides to go to a singles night to try and meet a woman. He’d never had much success out in the field so thought it his best option.
Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
The real life marriage proposal story from Adam Kay's "This is going to hurt" book is funnier.Anyway, he spotted a beautiful brunette in her late 30’s by the bar, grew a pair and sauntered over and introduced himself.
“Hi my name’s David and I’m a business analyst”
The lady replied “Hi my name’s Anna, pleased to meet you”
David said “Hello Anna, and what do you do with your time?”
Anna said “Well it isn’t usually an ice breaker but I’m a proctologist, I’m an expert in back passages to put it bluntly”
Sensing an in David told Anna that he had had a bit of a problem up there and maybe she could help him.
They chatted for a few more minutes and arranged an appointment for the next week. Needless to say David was very excited.
The appointment came around and David arrived at her clinic, donned the gown and went into the consultation room.
Anna explained the procedure and that David could watch the monitor showing the camera picture, which he declined. He was asked what he felt and described it as an uncomfortable itch in his back passage. Up the camera went, nothing to be seen, up a little further, nothing to be seen. Suddenly Anna gave out a shriek
“My God David, I know what it is! There’s a red rose up your bum!”
“I know” said David “Can you read the card?”
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my bum is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Kenty said:
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe...[snip]
...Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Very good, but shouldn't this be in the "How hard is it to deliver a parcel properly" thread? ...Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
The devil walks into a bar, everyone scarpers in a blind panic except an old guy sitting in the corner supping his beer.
The devil says "Do you know who I am"
Man says "Yup, you're the devil"
Devil says "Aren’t you scared of me"
Man says "Nope why should I be"
Devel raises his voice and says again "I am the devil, you should be scared of me"
Man says "Why should I be, I have been married to your sister for 32 years"
The devil says "Do you know who I am"
Man says "Yup, you're the devil"
Devil says "Aren’t you scared of me"
Man says "Nope why should I be"
Devel raises his voice and says again "I am the devil, you should be scared of me"
Man says "Why should I be, I have been married to your sister for 32 years"
The condom jokes reminded me of a very old one.
16 year old lad walks into a pharmacy and ask for a pack of condoms.
"What size would you like?", asks the girl behind the counter.
"I've never bought a pack before, I don't know", replies the lad.
"Just get it out, I'll stroke it a bit and tell you", the girl says. He does so and she calls "medium condoms please Jean" to her assistant.
Later on another lad walks in and goes through the same with the pharmacist calling "large condoms please Jean".
Word gets around and then later another, even younger, very nervous lad walks in, not knowing his size. The girl behind the counter tells him to pop it out for her to stroke it and let him know.
"Large tissue please Jean".
The assistant fainted (am I doing this right?!!).
The other one was not really a joke, but was something I really didn't want to hear from my Mum.
She was talking about a round of golf and said that on one tee she hit a condom shot. "What's that", I asked? "You know", she said "it didn't feel right, but it was safe".
16 year old lad walks into a pharmacy and ask for a pack of condoms.
"What size would you like?", asks the girl behind the counter.
"I've never bought a pack before, I don't know", replies the lad.
"Just get it out, I'll stroke it a bit and tell you", the girl says. He does so and she calls "medium condoms please Jean" to her assistant.
Later on another lad walks in and goes through the same with the pharmacist calling "large condoms please Jean".
Word gets around and then later another, even younger, very nervous lad walks in, not knowing his size. The girl behind the counter tells him to pop it out for her to stroke it and let him know.
"Large tissue please Jean".
The assistant fainted (am I doing this right?!!).
The other one was not really a joke, but was something I really didn't want to hear from my Mum.
She was talking about a round of golf and said that on one tee she hit a condom shot. "What's that", I asked? "You know", she said "it didn't feel right, but it was safe".
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