Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!
He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!
Man goes to the doctor, told he has multiple diseases and needs to see a specialist at the hospital.
He is examined, doc saysits bad news.
'You have HIV, hepatitis B and C, beri beri, ebola, rickets, bird flu, swine flu, foot and mouth and somethings we are only just learning about, we are going to admit you to our infectious diseases ward but you are a special case so you will have a private room, you need a one-off diet which you will eat for 6 months minimum'.
'What is it'
'Kraft cheese slices'
'Will they make me better?'
'No but they are the only food we can slide under the door'
He is examined, doc saysits bad news.
'You have HIV, hepatitis B and C, beri beri, ebola, rickets, bird flu, swine flu, foot and mouth and somethings we are only just learning about, we are going to admit you to our infectious diseases ward but you are a special case so you will have a private room, you need a one-off diet which you will eat for 6 months minimum'.
'What is it'
'Kraft cheese slices'
'Will they make me better?'
'No but they are the only food we can slide under the door'
Edited by Robbo 27 on Thursday 7th December 06:15
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary!"
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty arched her back, went 'Sssss, Ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's
t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
( I've left out the Viperesque redundant last line
)
A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary!"
The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty arched her back, went 'Sssss, Ssss, Sssss' and before she could say 's
t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"( I've left out the Viperesque redundant last line
)
Vipers said:
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the sad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
An elderly man lay dying in his bed."All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…
‘f
k off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
Muntu said:
An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…
‘fk off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon…
‘f
k off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
Vipers said:
MartG said:
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter.". Etc etc etc.........
( I've left out the Viperesque redundant last line )
( I've left out the Viperesque redundant last line
)
Vipers said:
NoNeed said:
mattyn1 said:
This is harder than the Where Was I thread!
Which is a doddle compared to trying to understand the mornington cresent one.
https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=24...
NoNeed said:
mattyn1 said:
This is harder than the Where Was I thread!
Which is a doddle compared to trying to understand the mornington cresent one.* Well, INdefinite might be a better description. But there are rules. And the more you quote them, the better the game seems to go...
NoNeed said:
Vipers said:
NoNeed said:
mattyn1 said:
This is harder than the Where Was I thread!
Which is a doddle compared to trying to understand the mornington cresent one.https://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?t=24...
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