Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
Vipers ending! I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
Vipers ending! I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Ultra Sound Guy said:
So I'm at Pets at Home buying a bag of dog food for my dog.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
While in the queue, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food?
So being top notch with the banter I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 3 stone in 4 Weeks!
I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's arse and a lorry hit me.
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