Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jake, and a very fine specimen he was too.
But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jake’s bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jake had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Jake, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair
and Jake became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Jake the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Jake was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jake?
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jake, and a very fine specimen he was too.
But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jake’s bell hadn't rung at all!
Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jake had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Jake, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair
and Jake became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded Jake the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.
Clearly Jake was a Pulletician in the making: Who else but a Pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jake?
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, “Well then, be sure to wash your hands properly, because I want a cheeseburger.”
k off, don't rub it in"MartG said:
Do you perhaps know of a Pulletician called Jake?
No, but I remember Jake Thackeray singing about his "fine upstanding bantam cock".
Edited to add link:
https://youtu.be/4hQhi4oyH6k
Warning, lyrics NSFW.
Edited by glenrobbo on Thursday 18th January 13:13
glenrobbo said:
No, but I remember Jake Thackeray singing about his "fine upstanding bantam cock".
Edited to add link:
https://youtu.be/4hQhi4oyH6k
Warning, lyrics NSFW.
Sadly missedEdited to add link:
https://youtu.be/4hQhi4oyH6k
Warning, lyrics NSFW.
Edited by glenrobbo on Thursday 18th January 13:13
Brilliant lugubrious vocalist and a wonderful writer of lyrics
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency where social workers raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"
"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..."
The couple produce photos of their 30-foot motor home,which is clean, well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers raise concerns about the education the child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, along with French, Mandarin, and computing skills," they’re told.
Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"The child will be surrounded by family, but we’ve also retained a nanny who’s a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask, "What age child are you ideally hoping to adopt?"
"Doesn't really matter, as long as he fits into the cannon..."
A little old Lady walked into the bank she was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit.
To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager.“I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the Bank manager’s balls in my hand.”
To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager.“I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the Bank manager’s balls in my hand.”
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