Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times.”
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
Last night I was having a beer after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda large girls drinking at the bar and being rather loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.
Seeing as I like a girl with a Scottish accent, I ambled over to strike up a conversation. I asked them, “So… are you two ladies from Scotland then?”
I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and retorted, “WALES!”
“I’m terribly sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland then?”
Seeing as I like a girl with a Scottish accent, I ambled over to strike up a conversation. I asked them, “So… are you two ladies from Scotland then?”
I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and retorted, “WALES!”
“I’m terribly sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland then?”
Vipers said:
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
It even mentioned a gun, yet there was no shot?Edited by Caruso on Saturday 20th January 23:23
Caruso said:
Vipers said:
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
It even mentioned a gun, yet there was no shot?I saw my mate Dave this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted, "Where you off to Dave?"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb."
I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
"Not really" he said, "I've still got the f
kin
receipt, you spiteful tt!
I shouted, "Where you off to Dave?"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb."
I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
"Not really" he said, "I've still got the f
kinreceipt, you spiteful t
t!Vipers said:
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
Evangelion said:
Caruso said:
Vipers said:
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson, Guido, to his bedside. I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home, and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"
It even mentioned a gun, yet there was no shot?
A friend received this response from Channel 4...
Dear Mr Tempest,
On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your ex wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of her. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards,
Director of Programmes Channel 4.
Dear Mr Tempest,
On behalf of Channel 4, may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your ex wife for our new upcoming reality TV show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed of her. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programmes content and the correct title of the series, which is actually, "Fact Hunt".
Kind regards,
Director of Programmes Channel 4.
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff