Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
A London lawyer on holiday in Chicago runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says,
"Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer and says,
"Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "
A Deep sea diver and Snow White go to a carnival. As they are walking past one of the tents, Snow White notices a banner across the opening saying, 'Worlds Most Beautiful Woman Contest'. She looks at the diver and says please just wait a minute. She enters the tent and 15 mins later she walks out with a ribbon and trophy and a big cheeky grin. She says to Diver I just had to do it, of course I’m the most beautiful woman in the world..
As they walked on further Diver looks up and sees another tent promoting the Worlds Strongest Man Contest. He looks at Snow White and says, "I gotta do this just wait a minute.."
15 minutes later the diver walks out with smirk carrying a huge trophy and says "Too easy, of course I’m the worlds strongest man."
As they walk further they come across Pinocchio at the end of line going into a tent.
They ask what he is doing and he replies "I’m entering the Worlds Best Liar Contest. This shouldn’t take long wait for me."
An hour and a half later Pinocchio comes out sweating and cursing, kicking the dirt and pebbles around. He looks at the diver and Snow White and says.. ….
"Who the f
k are these English politicians
As they walked on further Diver looks up and sees another tent promoting the Worlds Strongest Man Contest. He looks at Snow White and says, "I gotta do this just wait a minute.."
15 minutes later the diver walks out with smirk carrying a huge trophy and says "Too easy, of course I’m the worlds strongest man."
As they walk further they come across Pinocchio at the end of line going into a tent.
They ask what he is doing and he replies "I’m entering the Worlds Best Liar Contest. This shouldn’t take long wait for me."
An hour and a half later Pinocchio comes out sweating and cursing, kicking the dirt and pebbles around. He looks at the diver and Snow White and says.. ….
"Who the f
k are these English politicians
The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
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