Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[glenrobbo]

ApOrbital said:

Eh-Oh.

Oh no! Surely not a dead Teletubbie?

[MartG]

[MartG]

Lucy
In the sky
With Diamonds

John Lennon really was crap at playing Cluedo !

[Nimby]

Another Jewish joke (from The West Wing)

It's the inauguration of the first Jewish President of the USA.
His mother nudges the person next to her and says "You see the guy with his hand raised? His brother's a doctor!"

[MartG]

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

[SeeFive]

MartG said:

SeeFive said:

Evangelion said:

Don't forget the Irish kamikaze pilot ...


... flew 38 missions.

...or the Jewish one. Crashed his plane into his brother’s scrapyard.

Ooh - haven't heard that one for at least 7 hours

Dammit. My mum told me it would make me go blind.

[Vipers]

If you ever had to dealt with Norweigians, you may appreciate this.

Three men, a Dane, a Swede and a Norweigian, reasons why they love their wives.

Dane ways "I love my wife, when she rides a donkey on the beach, her feet drag in the sand, not that the donkey is small, but she has really long legs"

Swede says "I love my wife, I can put my hands around her waist and my fingers and thumbs touch, not that I have big hands, but she really does have a petite waist"

Norweigian says "I love my wife, when I go to work in the morning I smack her on her arse and it ripples, when I come home from work her arse is still rippling, not that she has a fat arse, or I have big hands, but in Norway we have such short working days".

[MartG]

[evil len]

I pulled a sickie the other day.
It's just one of the benefits of working at a hospital.




The space between the front and back doors of a Nandos is called the Peri-peri-neum.

[Ultra Sound Guy]

MartG said:

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

Is sad!

[Tony 1234]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

MartG said:

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

Is sad!

I thought is was rather good but not up to MartG's usual high standard

[Wacky Racer]

Three more from Bernard's jokebook.


This woman was cheating on her husband, when he thought she was out at Bingo she was really meeting her lover in the local churchyard.

One night she came home and was getting undressed and her husband said to her:-

"I've never noticed that before"

She replied:- "What's that?"

He said "Your arse died in 1895!"








This man was in the car with his girlfriend and they pulled up on a dark secluded lane.....

He switched the engine off and said "Right, get in the back"

She said "No"

He said "Get in the back"

She said "No"

He said "Come on, get in the back"

She said "No, I don't want"

Getting VERY frustrated he said "Why not!"

She replied "Cos' I want to stay in the front with you"







This man said to his young girlfriend:-

"What's the difference between a penis and a leg of lamb?"

She said "I don't know"

He said "Do you want to come on a picnic?"

[Hugo a Gogo]

is a leg of lamb a typical picnic snack?

[ApOrbital]

Nope not unless you are posh.

[Hugo a Gogo]

a chicken leg, yeah, I can see that, but no matter how posh you are, you don't take a 5lb lump of meat on the bone on a picnic

[Doofus]

I don't think it's important.

What is important is that peole stop telling the dick-on-a-picnic joke. We've had it at least four times in the past week!

[alfie2244]

Hugo a Gogo said:

a chicken leg, yeah, I can see that, but no matter how posh you are, you don't take a 5lb lump of meat on the bone on a picnic

Not a 5lb lump admittedly.

[Hugo a Gogo]

ok, a lump of meat on the bone that used to be inside a small sheep

[kowalski655]

Hugo a Gogo said:

ok, a lump of meat on the bone that used to be inside a small sheep

Aaaah, a welsh picnic!

[MartG]

Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery.
Why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery.