Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Vipers]

I do hope this doesn't fall foul of the guidelines, if so please delete it, and I apologise, but it did make me chuckle. Tis hard sometime to keep up with all this PC stuff.

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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, is there anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, my son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, Muslims or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'.,

"The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."

[havoc]

Vipers said:

"That's because it takes place in the future..."

Works for me!

[Paul Khaya]

Johnny Raydome said:

Possibly offensive, apologies in advance.


Two off-shore workers are having a drink in a bar in Aberdeen.
Andy has worked on the rigs for many years. Billy is a bit of a newbie. He also has a hare lip.

Andy: Wow, look who just walked in! That's Red Adair! He must be in town because of the fire we had last week.

Billy: Thath noth Red Adair.

Andy: I'm telling you - that's Red Adair, a real hero of mine!

Billy: No way ith thatt Red Adair. Heetha hero of mine too, buth thath's not him.

Andy: Don't believe me? Okay, I bet you £500 that is Red Adair.
You go up and ask him. Go on!

Billy walks up to the man at the bar and says:

"Nyoo sthtill darncethin' with Thindgther Rodgthers?"

I told thith joke to my thithter and I bit my tongue thixth timeths.

[Vipers]

Paul Khaya said:

I told thith joke to my thithter and I bit my tongue thixth timeths.

Nice one.

[Doofus]

Vipers said:

Paul Khaya said:

I told thith joke to my thithter and I bit my tongue thixth timeths.

Nice one.

Does he have more than one sister then?

[Wacky Racer]

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

Paul Khaya said:

I told thith joke to my thithter and I bit my tongue thixth timeths.

Nice one.

Does he have more than one sister then?

Yes, she went to the doctor with a chest infection.

The doctor pulled his stethoscope out and said "Big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet?"

[The Moose]

[davhill]

gmaz said:

There was a terrible misunderstanding when Sean Connery wanted to purchase some of my wife's used underwear. Apparently he had asked for "satin" ones.

Would these be like the soft leather ones favoured by Chammy Davis Junior?

[Bobberoo99]

The Moose said:

[Vipers]

Wacky Racer said:

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

Paul Khaya said:

I told thith joke to my thithter and I bit my tongue thixth timeths.

Nice one.

Does he have more than one sister then?

Yes, she went to the doctor with a chest infection.

The doctor pulled his stethoscope out and said "Big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet?"

Is that the sister who has a dog with a hair lip?

[Sticks.]

Wacky Racer said:

Yes, she went to the doctor with a chest infection.

The doctor pulled his stethoscope out and said "Big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet?"

....."Thor? I can hardly pith...."

[Paul Khaya]

Sticks. said:

Wacky Racer said:

Yes, she went to the doctor with a chest infection.

The doctor pulled his stethoscope out and said "Big breaths"

She replied "Yeth, and I'm not thixteen yet?"

....."Thor? I can hardly pith...."

Stop takin' the pith you lot !!!

[Paul Khaya]

Why teachers drink (1)....

[Vipers]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

[Monkeylegend]

Vipers said:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

I never use those pubic toilets.

[motco]

Cracked seats give your arsenic...

[Paul Khaya]

motco said:

Cracked seats give your arsenic...

VG

[Vipers]

Can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after only four seasons.

[phazed]

Vipers said:

Can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after only four seasons.

Very classic,(al).

[nonsequitur]

Vipers said:

Can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after only four seasons.

Until Frankie Valli came along.