Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
The other day, Paul Hollywood was about to do some baking. But when he measured out the flour, he noticed it had a couple of small beetles in it. So he calls Mary Berry to ask if he should pick them out or throw away the flour.
Mary advises him not to worry, and to “just kill the smallest one”.
“Will that make the flour ok?”, asks Paul.
“No,” she says, “but it’s the lesser of two weevils”.
Mary advises him not to worry, and to “just kill the smallest one”.
“Will that make the flour ok?”, asks Paul.
“No,” she says, “but it’s the lesser of two weevils”.
General Price said:
nonsequitur said:
Until Frankie Valli came along.
I remember when his brother was Chelsea player/manager.nonsequitur said:
In the 70's, President Jimmy Carter's haemorrhoid operation was carried out by a naval surgeon. His rank? Rear Admiral.
No s
t! 
What was his name? Was he promoted specifically to perform the task? Did he get awarded a Purple Heart for his work on the presidential Rusty Sherrif's Badge? Did he receive piles of accolades? glenrobbo said:
nonsequitur said:
In the 70's, President Jimmy Carter's haemorrhoid operation was carried out by a naval surgeon. His rank? Rear Admiral.
No st! What was his name? Was he promoted specifically to perform the task? Did he get awarded a Purple Heart for his work on the presidential Rusty Sherrif's Badge? Did he receive piles of accolades? nonsequitur said:
In the 70's, President Jimmy Carter's hemorroid operation was carried out by a naval surgeon. His rank? Rear Admiral.
I had a quick search, but unable to confirm the name of the naval surgeon. Possibly Dr Lee Smith?But the White House physician at the time was Dr. William Lukash.
glenrobbo said:
nonsequitur said:
In the 70's, President Jimmy Carter's haemorrhoid operation was carried out by a naval surgeon. His rank? Rear Admiral.
No st! What was his name? Was he promoted specifically to perform the task? Did he get awarded a Purple Heart for his work on the presidential Rusty Sherrif's Badge? Did he receive piles of accolades? 
nonsequitur said:
Calm down. It's only a joke.
Most of it is true though. According to t'internet. 
And everything on there is true, isn't it?
Whatever, I don't envy our landed gentry, with all their country piles to manage. It must be awful, especially if they are sitting for long periods in the House of Lords.
Two from Facebook (I presume everyone else is posting originals)
1 -Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.
2 - I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my bike. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride on my bike any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My bike's
name was Maisie. She was an accountant: I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information - what firm she worked for, where my farm was, names of relatives, names of high schools etc....... All the things that just come up in conversation eventually, if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
1 -Last night I dreamt I was weightless, I was like 0mg.
2 - I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my bike. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride on my bike any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My bike's
name was Maisie. She was an accountant: I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information - what firm she worked for, where my farm was, names of relatives, names of high schools etc....... All the things that just come up in conversation eventually, if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
glenrobbo said:
Most of it is true though. According to t'internet.
And everything on there is true, isn't it?
Whatever, I don't envy our landed gentry, with all their country piles to manage. It must be awful, especially if they are sitting for long periods in the House of Lords.
and a lot of them are farmers......And everything on there is true, isn't it?
Whatever, I don't envy our landed gentry, with all their country piles to manage. It must be awful, especially if they are sitting for long periods in the House of Lords.
glenrobbo said:
nonsequitur said:
In the 70's, President Jimmy Carter's haemorrhoid operation was carried out by a naval surgeon. His rank? Rear Admiral.
No st! What was his name? Was he promoted specifically to perform the task? Did he get awarded a Purple Heart for his work on the presidential Rusty Sherrif's Badge? Did he receive piles of accolades? My neighbours weren't too pleased.
The Li-ion King said:
crossle said:
Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he's only got one arm.
"Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," he said.
"That's going to be awkward, isn't it?" I asked.
"No.....I've still got the receipt."
"Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted.
"I'm going to change a light bulb," he said.
"That's going to be awkward, isn't it?" I asked.
"No.....I've still got the receipt."
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