Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[CanAm]

Ferodocastrol said:

Doofus said:

Evangelion said:

Ferodocastrol said:

Doofus said:

Girl: Do you have any pets?
Boy: <Remembers that girls like sensitive guys> Yes. I have a cat.
Girl: Ooh that's nice. What's her name?
Boy: <Remembers that girls also like tough guys> Nuclear Missile Launcher.

The time now is 11:20am

When do we get the punchline?

That's about as funny as having a nuclear missile launcher named Cat.

I posted it here specifically because it's the kind of thing that generally passes for a joke around here.

Well........... it certainly passed me by, can't you just make a punchline up for it? That way the supposed joke can be closed.

Time now is 12:09

And that's when the fight started! (Well that was usually Vipers' punchline)

[Harry H]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a parking officers funeral today,

Several mourners heard shouts of ‘I’m not dead, I’m not dead.’

In response the Vicar leant forward, sucked air through his teeth and replied:

‘Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.’

[davhill]

Just leaving this here...

[james-witton]

Why don’t retired people look out of the window in the morning?

Because they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.

[Skyedriver]

davhill said:

Just leaving this here...

LOL

[Skyedriver]

Ferodocastrol said:

Time now is 12:09

Don't get it.

Can you give me a pointer, cos on the face of it, it's not funny. Maybe I'm just a bit t'ick

[nonsequitur]

Doofus said:

Girl: Do you have any pets?
Boy: <Remembers that girls like sensitive guys> Yes. I have a cat.
Girl: Ooh that's nice. What's her name?
Boy: <Remembers that girls also like tough guys> Nuclear Missile Launcher.

Girl: I've got a cat too, would you like to see it?
Boy: speechless.

[nonsequitur]

dartissimus said:

dartissimus said:

SeeFive said:

sinbaddio said:

V8mate said:

Monkeylegend said:

V8mate said:

GloverMart said:

nonsequitur said:

67Dino said:

When a professional golfer retires what exactly does he do?

He just has to putt up with it.

He takes his grandchildren to the swings. They are close by, on the local green.

He's pleased that it's nearby, no need for a long drive a fair way away then.

No, that would be rough.

I suppose these puns are par for the course.

Anyway, a professional golfer would surely only retire if he was handicapped?

This is getting slightly teedious

This is all balls. I’d give a large amount of wedge to take it all to the puns thread. Better get back in the bunker beFORE! you all start on me for falsely moaning like a hooker.

So, it's off to the driving range for a bucket of balls, there's a hole in one

If there's a hole in my bucket, those balls will surely sing

We've left it open.

[fatboy18]

nonsequitur said:

dartissimus said:

dartissimus said:

SeeFive said:

sinbaddio said:

V8mate said:

Monkeylegend said:

V8mate said:

GloverMart said:

nonsequitur said:

67Dino said:

When a professional golfer retires what exactly does he do?

He just has to putt up with it.

He takes his grandchildren to the swings. They are close by, on the local green.

He's pleased that it's nearby, no need for a long drive a fair way away then.

No, that would be rough.

I suppose these puns are par for the course.

Anyway, a professional golfer would surely only retire if he was handicapped?

This is getting slightly teedious

This is all balls. I’d give a large amount of wedge to take it all to the puns thread. Better get back in the bunker beFORE! you all start on me for falsely moaning like a hooker.

So, it's off to the driving range for a bucket of balls, there's a hole in one

If there's a hole in my bucket, those balls will surely sing

We've left it open...."Well that's what a little Birdie told me"

[funkyrobot]

Doofus said:

Evangelion said:

Ferodocastrol said:

Doofus said:

Girl: Do you have any pets?
Boy: <Remembers that girls like sensitive guys> Yes. I have a cat.
Girl: Ooh that's nice. What's her name?
Boy: <Remembers that girls also like tough guys> Nuclear Missile Launcher.

The time now is 11:20am

When do we get the punchline?

That's about as funny as having a nuclear missile launcher named Cat.

I posted it here specifically because it's the kind of thing that generally passes for a joke around here.

It made me laugh.

[deeen]

Skyedriver said:

Ferodocastrol said:

Time now is 12:09

Don't get it.

Can you give me a pointer, cos on the face of it, it's not funny. Maybe I'm just a bit t'ick

Don't think it would work with a pointer, the colouring would be too distracting..

[TheRealNoNeedy]

dartissimus said:

SeeFive said:

sinbaddio said:

V8mate said:

Monkeylegend said:

V8mate said:

GloverMart said:

nonsequitur said:

67Dino said:

When a professional golfer retires what exactly does he do?

He just has to putt up with it.

He takes his grandchildren to the swings. They are close by, on the local green.

He's pleased that it's nearby, no need for a long drive a fair way away then.

No, that would be rough.

I suppose these puns are par for the course.

Anyway, a professional golfer would surely only retire if he was handicapped?

This is getting slightly teedious

This is all balls. I’d give a large amount of wedge to take it all to the puns thread. Better get back in the bunker beFORE! you all start on me for falsely moaning like a hooker.

So, it's off to the driving range for a bucket of balls, there's a hole in one

Become a driver for some extra wedge

[nonsequitur]

After all that, I'm feeling really chipper.

[MartG]

[Sticks.]

Excellent. Social media in one picture.

[Cotty]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a politician!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

[Cotty]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[Sticks.]

I got chatting to a lawyer at a party and asked 'just out of interest, how much do you charge to answer 3 questions?'.

'£250' he replied.

'£250, don't you think that's a bit steep?' I asked.

'No' he replied 'what's your third question?'

[silverfoxcc]

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[Cliftonite]

silverfoxcc said:

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