Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering
different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say,
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
I managed to mumble in reply
“Can I just feel your tits then?
different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. I heard her say,
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
I managed to mumble in reply
“Can I just feel your tits then?
davhill said:
I woke up in the hospital ICU bandaged from head to foot and in terrific pain,
with wires and monitors and all that.
All I said to the Mrs was, "Wild horses wouldn't drag me away
from the computer when I want to browse the PH forums."
I've no idea where she got them.
Mods, can you move this to the "Unfunny Comedians" thread please.with wires and monitors and all that.
All I said to the Mrs was, "Wild horses wouldn't drag me away
from the computer when I want to browse the PH forums."
I've no idea where she got them.
davhill said:
I woke up in the hospital ICU bandaged from head to foot and in terrific pain,
with wires and monitors and all that.
All I said to the Mrs was, "Wild horses wouldn't drag me away
from the computer when I want to browse the PH forums."
I've no idea where she got them.
Try this for starters:with wires and monitors and all that.
All I said to the Mrs was, "Wild horses wouldn't drag me away
from the computer when I want to browse the PH forums."
I've no idea where she got them.
My dog’s got no nose.....
GloverMart said:
Slightly adapted from Twitter, a conversation between David Bowie and Bing Crosby.
Bowie: "Why are you so sad, Bing?
Crosby: "My inflatable butt has gone flat!"
Bowie: "Do you need my rubber bum pump?"
Crosby: "Rubber bum pump?"
Bowie: "Rubber bum pump"
Crosby went on... it’s been a bad day, my toilet is broken too.Bowie: "Why are you so sad, Bing?
Crosby: "My inflatable butt has gone flat!"
Bowie: "Do you need my rubber bum pump?"
Crosby: "Rubber bum pump?"
Bowie: "Rubber bum pump"
Bowie: There is a mound of soil at the bottom of the garden, just use that.
Bing: how d’ya mean?
Bowie: piss on earth.
RJO said:
davhill said:
RJO said:
Mods, can you move this to the "Unfunny Comedians" thread please.
Very well, you cream-faced poltroon. Post something better! 
davhill said:
Just goes to show. The man has nothing funny to post, let alone something better.
The defence rests!
The defendant is in the dock as the prosecutor reads out the list of charges. When he finishes he turns to the defendant and says, "And what do you have to say for yourself?"The defence rests!
The defendant says "Faaaaarrrk Aaaaalll".
The Magistrate says "What did he say?"
The prosecutor says "He said, f
k all, your worship."The Magistrate says, "But I saw his lips move."
RJO said:
davhill said:
RJO said:
Mods, can you move this to the "Unfunny Comedians" thread please.
Very well, you cream-faced poltroon. Post something better! Have a picture of Higgs
He’s a Boatswain, don’t you know....?....
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff