Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[valiant]

Wife wanted to spice things up a bit and play ‘doctors and nurses’.



So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 24 hours.

[fatboy18]

valiant said:

Wife wanted to spice things up a bit and play ‘doctors and nurses’.



So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 24 hours.

Oooof! Topical

[kowalski655]

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse.
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.

I was upset that I got a sweater for Christmas?
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

On the first Christmas morning, the three wise men walk into the manger. The first one steps in donkey st..looks at his shoe and exclaims "Jesus Christ".. Mary looks up at Joseph and says..."that's a better name than Keith"

Whats so similar about santa and Jimmy savile?
They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks

What do Christmas trees and the Pope have in common?
They both have balls that are only for decoration.

[Laurel Green]

I hear bunting is going up in the Diane Abbott household.

[K12beano]

Laurel Green said:

I hear bunting is going up in the Diane Abbott household.

No, no. She had a recount, and everything’s OK....

[K12beano]

kowalski655 said:

I was upset that I got a sweater for Christmas?
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Prince Andrew - is that you???

[fatboy18]

K12beano said:

kowalski655 said:

I was upset that I got a sweater for Christmas?
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Prince Andrew - is that you???

[Laurel Green]

[Porsche guy]

valiant said:

Wife wanted to spice things up a bit and play ‘doctors and nurses’.



So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 24 hours.

[MartG]

Porsche guy said:

valiant said:

Wife wanted to spice things up a bit and play ‘doctors and nurses’.



So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 72 hours.

Updated version

[glenrobbo]

valiant said:

Wife wanted to spice things up a bit and play ‘doctors and nurses’.



So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 24 hours.

Why would a doctor put a nurse on a trolley?
It would mean putting a patient on the floor?

Ah!
So now we know what was really going on...

[Cotty]

kowalski655 said:

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing was stirring, not even a mouse.
I should have bought a carbon monoxide alarm.

[Vipers]

Two blonds chatting.

"I've just taken a pregnancy test"

The other said "Was it hard".

[Laurel Green]

[silverfoxcc]

More a spoken gag than written

What has Prince Andrew and the woman who interviewed him have in common?


They are both mateless

[Sticks.]

Advice needed:

My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I’ve hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the loft.

So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the “I’m afraid of the dark” or “I don't like it up here - there are spiders” really got on my nerves.

Any other suggestions?

[glenrobbo]

Vipers said:

Two blonds chatting.

"I've just taken a pregnancy test"

The other said "Was it hard".

It's a lot harder for blonds to get pregnant than it is for blondes.

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

Two blonds chatting.

"I've just taken a pregnancy test"

The other said "Was it hard".

It's a lot harder for blonds to get pregnant than it is for blondes.

Ye ha, always said a typo works

[Evangelion]

Vipers said:

... The other said "Was it hard?".

Presumably it was at some point, otherwise she wouldn't have suspected she might be pregnant!

[anonymous-user]

fatboy18 said:

K12beano said:

kowalski655 said:

I was upset that I got a sweater for Christmas?
I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Prince Andrew - is that you???