Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[twing]

None taken at all merry Christmas PH

[glenrobbo]

Monkeylegend said:

It's a good job glenrobbo is a sleeper, we'd be driving him off the rails.

I'm watching you lot!

It seems all my afforts trying to train you has been wasted.

Merry punning Christmas!

[The Li-ion King]

Monkeylegend said:

silverfoxcc said:

twing said:

nonsequitur said:

paua said:

The Li-ion King said:

I went to Network Rail's Christmas Ball this week. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Don't want derail this, I had snakeskin boots.

More training required.

Can we get back on track please?

I dont see the point, i will have to sleeper on it

I have just had the signal, one more strike and we are out.

I managed to get my hands on one of the last South Western Railway train sets for my nephew at Argos yesterday.
When I opened the box to check the contents, there was just the track, but no trains

[Monkeylegend]

The Li-ion King said:

Monkeylegend said:

silverfoxcc said:

twing said:

nonsequitur said:

paua said:

The Li-ion King said:

I went to Network Rail's Christmas Ball this week. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Don't want derail this, I had snakeskin boots.

More training required.

Can we get back on track please?

I dont see the point, i will have to sleeper on it

I have just had the signal, one more strike and we are out.

I managed to get my hands on one of the last South Western Railway train sets for my nephew at Argos yesterday.
When I opened the box to check the contents, there was just the track, but no trains

[Monkeylegend]

glenrobbo said:

Monkeylegend said:

It's a good job glenrobbo is a sleeper, we'd be driving him off the rails.

I'm watching you lot!

It seems all my afforts trying to train you has been wasted.

Merry punning Christmas!

We have finally dragged you down to our level

Have a good one.

[glenrobbo]

Monkeylegend said:

We have finally dragged you down to our level

Have a good one.

Just when I thought I couldn't possibly sink any lower.

Thanks! Merry Eczemas!

[Vipers]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, Christmas morning arrives, and they were all on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a big diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".

Number 2 guy says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such an expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf, and she said, "Take a sweater"

HO-HO-HO.... Merry Christmas

[Laurel Green]

...and a merry Christmas to you too.

[grumpy52]

I took my lady down to the orchards this morning.
After about an hour I began to realise that maybe it wasn't the apple watch that she was expecting.

[Vipers]

Laurel Green said:

...and a merry Christmas to you too.

[fatboy18]

The Li-ion King said:

Monkeylegend said:

silverfoxcc said:

twing said:

nonsequitur said:

paua said:

The Li-ion King said:

I went to Network Rail's Christmas Ball this week. Everyone was wearing platforms.

Don't want derail this, I had snakeskin boots.

More training required.

Can we get back on track please?

I dont see the point, i will have to sleeper on it

I have just had the signal, one more strike and we are out.

I managed to get my hands on one of the last South Western Railway train sets for my nephew at Argos yesterday.
When I opened the box to check the contents, there was just the track, but no trains

Sounds Just the Ticket,

[ReverendCounter]

With all of these one liners, everyone must have stepped off the monorail.

[davhill]

The Li-ion King said:

I managed to get my hands on one of the last South Western Railway train sets for my nephew at Argos yesterday.
When I opened the box to check the contents, there was just the track, but no trains

I can see clearly now the train is gone (Johnny Nash, 1972).

[Doofus]

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods? Camembert.

A boy came past me on a tricycle and threw a piece of cheese at me. I thought 'That's not very mature'.

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who painted his wife? He Double Gloucester.

What cheese lives in a small house? Cottage Cheese.

What cheese rules the world? The Hallouminati.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was de Brie everywhere.

What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you eat an angry cheese? Caerphilly.

What cheese do you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone.

What is a mouse's favourite hotel? The Stilton.

How do you carry cheese on a bicycle? Use a Paneer.



Yes, I got a st Christmas gift...

[The Li-ion King]

Doofus said:

What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods? Camembert.

A boy came past me on a tricycle and threw a piece of cheese at me. I thought 'That's not very mature'.

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who painted his wife? He Double Gloucester.

What cheese lives in a small house? Cottage Cheese.

What cheese rules the world? The Hallouminati.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was de Brie everywhere.

What cheese is made backwards? Edam.

How do you eat an angry cheese? Caerphilly.

What cheese do you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone.

What is a mouse's favourite hotel? The Stilton.

How do you carry cheese on a bicycle? Use a Paneer.



Yes, I got a st Christmas gift...

So it's YOU who stole Bob Monkhouse's joke book back in '95! They really are cheesy...

[john2443]

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lbs 8 oz?

Because they had a way in a manger!

To save the kittens -
way / weigh

[fatboy18]

davhill said:

The Li-ion King said:

I managed to get my hands on one of the last South Western Railway train sets for my nephew at Argos yesterday.
When I opened the box to check the contents, there was just the track, but no trains

I can see clearly now the train is gone (Johnny Nash, 1972).

I think you're stretching that 1 L.N.E.R

[Sticks.]

The Li-ion King said:

So it's YOU who stole Bob Monkhouse's joke book back in '95! They really are cheesy...

My guess is he got one of the books dedicated to jokes about cheese for Christmas. Yes, they exist. I'm surprised it didn't include...

Why does Tesco sell more Mini Babybell at this time of the year than any other? Because for some people Christmas is all about baby cheeses.

Apols if pearoast.

[Doofus]

Sticks. said:

My guess is he got one of the books dedicated to jokes about cheese for Christmas. Yes, they exist. I'm surprised it didn't include...

Why does Tesco sell more Mini Babybell at this time of the year than any other? Because for some people Christmas is all about baby cheeses.

I only posted the best ones.

Seriously.

It's in the recycling already.

[AstonZagato]

Sticks. said:

The Li-ion King said:

So it's YOU who stole Bob Monkhouse's joke book back in '95! They really are cheesy...

My guess is he got one of the books dedicated to jokes about cheese for Christmas. Yes, they exist. I'm surprised it didn't include...

Why does Tesco sell more Mini Babybell at this time of the year than any other? Because for some people Christmas is all about baby cheeses.

Apols if pearoast.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese