Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Sticks.]

[davhill]

fatboy18 said:

I think you're stretching that 1 L.N.E.R

What, stretching a point?

[anonymous-user]

davhill said:

fatboy18 said:

I think you're stretching that 1 L.N.E.R

What, stretching a point?

It’s the right platform but you’re sending the wrong signals

[Ferodocastrol]

I have done my good deed for the Christmas period today at my local Asda. I was behind a lovely old lady in the queue, her shopping came to £41.57 but she only had £40.
She didn't want me to help her, but I insisted, (as a gentleman does) and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[anonymous-user]

Ferodocastrol said:

I have done my good deed for the Christmas period today at my local Asda. I was behind a lovely old lady in the queue, her shopping came to £41.57 but she only had £40.
She didn't want me to help her, but I insisted, (as a gentleman does) and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I think I’ve got deja vue

[Monkeylegend]

V6 Pushfit said:

davhill said:

fatboy18 said:

I think you're stretching that 1 L.N.E.R

What, stretching a point?

It’s the right platform but you’re sending the wrong signals

I think you are talking at crossing purposes.

[Ferodocastrol]

V6 Pushfit said:

Ferodocastrol said:

I have done my good deed for the Christmas period today at my local Asda. I was behind a lovely old lady in the queue, her shopping came to £41.57 but she only had £40.
She didn't want me to help her, but I insisted, (as a gentleman does) and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I think I’ve got deja vue

Well stone the fking crows... you were in the very same Asda?

[anonymous-user]

Ferodocastrol said:

V6 Pushfit said:

Ferodocastrol said:

I have done my good deed for the Christmas period today at my local Asda. I was behind a lovely old lady in the queue, her shopping came to £41.57 but she only had £40.
She didn't want me to help her, but I insisted, (as a gentleman does) and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I think I’ve got deja vue

Well stone the fking crows... you were in the very same Asda?

Yeah either that or a few pages back, one of the two....

[davhill]

Monkeylegend said:

I think you are talking at crossing purposes.

Well, I'm on the level.

[CanAm]

Thank God we're nearly on page 500.

[Laurel Green]

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
-
Being a sniper is awesome.

[Laurel Green]

Two farmers are walking down a road when suddenly they’re passed by a headless biker.
Weird, but – well. They continue down the road. After a while they are passed by a headless bicyclist.
Hm. They walk on for a bit when one says to the other, “Joe, how about you put the scythe on your other shoulder?”

[Laurel Green]

T"here’s no way you’re going out in this skirt, kiddo!”
-
“But mom, I’ve got great legs, why should I hide them?!”
-
“Because it’s so short and your nuts are showing underneath!”

---

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.

---

An awkward housewarming visit:

“Oh but this is wonderful – your couch has a massage function – and it’s so nice and warm!”
-
“You’re sitting on our cat.”

[anonymous-user]

Laurel Green said:

I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
-
Being a sniper is awesome.

[Doofus]

V6 Pushfit said:

Ferodocastrol said:

I have done my good deed for the Christmas period today at my local Asda. I was behind a lovely old lady in the queue, her shopping came to £41.57 but she only had £40.
She didn't want me to help her, but I insisted, (as a gentleman does) and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

I think I’ve got deja vue

Me too. In fact, I've had it so often that I've even learned how to spell it.

[Robbo 27]

Monkeylegend said:

I think you are talking at crossing purposes.

I tried to cross a purpose with a dolphin.

I had a whale of a time.

[anonymous-user]

Doofus said:

Me too. In fact, I've had it so often that I've even learned how to spell it.

It’s a fair cop, I’ll just refer to it as Cinemar next time.

[Sticks.]

Laurel Green said:

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like for a guy to catch a cold.

A survey of 1000 men found that man flu was much worse than childbirth.

[Laurel Green]

“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlour on Friday April 11th.”

[Doofus]

Laurel Green said:

“It is with a sad heart that we inform you our beloved brother, Roger Kripsky, finally found his peace on April 7th, 2018.

His wife Amanda’s funeral will take place in the Shady Grove Funeral Parlour on Friday April 11th.”

And you're telling us now?!