How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
Been married for 9 years together for roughly 11. Had a really hard year, med discharged from the Army, had issues with my injury and ended up in a job I hated. Went to some very dark places in my head and as part of coming out of that I decided to revaluate a lot of things in my life. Chief among those was the fact I had always taken my wife and kids for granted and not given them the priority that they deserved. Unfortunetly at the same time my wife had decided she had had enough of the way I was treating her and had decided to leave me. This has left us in a bit of a no man's land which is driving me crazy, I am massively paranoid about everything she does and as well as fighting for my marriage I am also fighting not to drop back into the hole I have only just climbed out of.
She has told me that although she still loves me she doesn't know if she is still in love with me. Has the damage I have already done gone further than can be recovered.
I am not proud of any of my past, I have been a massive self centred, ego centred prick amd I really hope we can come back from this. Sometimes I just think f
k it maybe we should just get a clean break and start again with someone else but then I look at her and realise just what a beautiful person she is.
She has told me that although she still loves me she doesn't know if she is still in love with me. Has the damage I have already done gone further than can be recovered.
I am not proud of any of my past, I have been a massive self centred, ego centred prick amd I really hope we can come back from this. Sometimes I just think f
k it maybe we should just get a clean break and start again with someone else but then I look at her and realise just what a beautiful person she is. I hate to be a pessimist about the strength of any relationships future but the truth is that if the wrong set of circumstances occur that are out with our control, we are all at any given time just a few steps away from being back alone and depression potentially kicking in.
Thankfully this doesn't happen to a large portion of society but on the contrary, it does happen to a st load of others who will no doubt agree.
I'm happily married but I'm always aware of the parts that need work and (at least try) to put in the effort but I slack off sometimes and things get heated on occasion and vice versa.
Thankfully this doesn't happen to a large portion of society but on the contrary, it does happen to a s
t load of others who will no doubt agree. I'm happily married but I'm always aware of the parts that need work and (at least try) to put in the effort but I slack off sometimes and things get heated on occasion and vice versa.
Stuart70 said:
29 years together, 22 years married. Two teenage kids... We were, and now two teenage kids, we have! Yoda, I am.
We always say we will give it another week and see how it goes; it has worked so far.
A few really rough times through the years, but hard to leave when your best friend that you want to talk it through with is also your partner.
I would love to say there is a secret; but I think it is luck in the choice and perseverance.
Marry someone you like as well as fancy?
Pretty much this for me. Been with my Mrs for 27 years - got a 10 year old son - but we're not married yet as I don't think it's something you should rush into. No secret really - just being able to sometimes compromise a bit helps from both sides.We always say we will give it another week and see how it goes; it has worked so far.
A few really rough times through the years, but hard to leave when your best friend that you want to talk it through with is also your partner.
I would love to say there is a secret; but I think it is luck in the choice and perseverance.
Marry someone you like as well as fancy?
helmutlaang said:
Well mine ultimately went tits up.
Together 23 years,still technically married but been separated 4 years.
Main reason was I took her for granted. Unfortunately being an only child the role model I had was my dad and he was awful to my mum and most of that rubbed of on me.
There were other factors of course but ultimately it was me being a dick which caused it,and I regret that.
We are still really good friends as our split was amicable and we still care for each other.
We are both seeing other people now and it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner about how close we are when I first started dating again.
Basically my ex and I started dating young and grew up together. I saw her flourish in her career and encouraged her. I’m very proud of her and see her success as my success as well,rightly or wrongly.
But anyway,she seems happy now which is what matters the most.
Quite unusual that a couple can stay great friends after so many years together and after a break up .Together 23 years,still technically married but been separated 4 years.
Main reason was I took her for granted. Unfortunately being an only child the role model I had was my dad and he was awful to my mum and most of that rubbed of on me.
There were other factors of course but ultimately it was me being a dick which caused it,and I regret that.
We are still really good friends as our split was amicable and we still care for each other.
We are both seeing other people now and it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner about how close we are when I first started dating again.
Basically my ex and I started dating young and grew up together. I saw her flourish in her career and encouraged her. I’m very proud of her and see her success as my success as well,rightly or wrongly.
But anyway,she seems happy now which is what matters the most.
Lots of my friends got married very young and most of them divorced . I’m sure I was due to the females being insistent on getting married ‘before the next friend did’ .
I left it to 30 having already been with my now wife for 9yrs.
We are all the happier for it I believe
fido said:
This is the shocker for me - quite a few of my friends confessed to me that they didn't really fancy their partner! Obviously this was after a few beers, which I guess was the same state in which they proposed to said partner, but given that they are all reasonable looking blokes with decent jobs .. then again it is hard to find the right person .. and they'll always have a better looking sister/friend etc.
I have a friend who doesn’t fancy or like his partner. But moving on takes effort so he puts up with no laughs or sex. It seems a lot of people do. FocusRS3 said:
Quite unusual that a couple can stay great friends after so many years together and after a break up .
Lots of my friends got married very young and most of them divorced . I’m sure I was due to the females being insistent on getting married ‘before the next friend did’ .
I left it to 30 having already been with my now wife for 9yrs.
We are all the happier for it I believe
When Mrs Ninja59 was getting her dress the fitter roughly estimated that 50% of her clients were only trying to outdo their mates, nothing more. The other 50% only wanted to look their best for their partners. Lots of my friends got married very young and most of them divorced . I’m sure I was due to the females being insistent on getting married ‘before the next friend did’ .
I left it to 30 having already been with my now wife for 9yrs.
We are all the happier for it I believe
Sorry to hear some of the stories in this thread, but it does really open your eyes
Together over 20 years married 10.
This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
fridaypassion said:
Together over 20 years married 10.
This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
Fantastic observations and very true, yep pretty much sums it up!This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
Like you we really don't understand this whole separate bank accounts thing, if you can't trust your partner financially chances are you don't trust them sexually or emotionally.
As already said, communication is everything.
fridaypassion said:
Together over 20 years married 10.
This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
Absolutely spot on and i lucked out too despite trying to delay marriage as long as poss.This and the constant divorve threads always make me feel fortunate I did luck out with the Mrs as she is not mental and is a weapons grade looker whereas I look like someone just beat Ross Kemp up and left him for dead.
We hands outlasted countless couples some really shocked us on splitting most didn't. I don't think there's a formula but some were just clearly wrong or the man/woman is a nutmeg etc.
Couple of observations.
I think a lot of people these days go into marriage fully anticipating getting a 5 year run before moving on. People seem to be always on the lookout for the next upgrade. This is not more misogyny which this thread needs no more of we have seen it happen with both sexes. Men if anything are the worst lillypad jumpers.
People don't have joint bank accounts. This award amazes me. Might be the modern way but it's like peiple are trying to keep hold of a part of their self somehow. To me it's an area of privacy that you should leave behind when you are seriously involved with someone.
You need to fancy your partner. After 20 odd years my Mrs still gives me a twinge I can tell ya! Also this really outdated view of the wife having to ensure she's on hand to look after the man's needs it's all wrong guys! YOU must look after HER for a happy life!
I also think it's important to have your own interests and give each other space to enjoy your own time. My Mrs has no problem me swanning off to the ring with my pals or going out or whatever and she goes off and does what she wants there is no controlling or friction and this is something almost all couples get wrong.
Oh and if one of you publicly declares love on Facebook it's already over.
It wasnt because i didnt want to marry her it was due to not liking all the show that goes with the big day.
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!! If it goes pear shaped you are joint and severely liable for the lot anyway. Marriage is share and share alike and working together so in for a penny in for a pound i say.
And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
I don't subscribe to the "my wife is also my best friend" thing. We're a team, we love each other, we share everything, but she's not my best friend. My best friend is a bloke. We go to to pubs, do track days, go to Le Mans, talk cars and politics, the occasional gentleman's club etc..
FocusRS3 said:
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!! If it goes pear shaped you are joint and severely liable for the lot anyway. Marriage is share and share alike and working together so in for a penny in for a pound i say.
And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
OK, separate bank account admission time And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
FocusRS3 said:
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!!
My wife is tight with money. I on the other hand consider value for money.If she knew what many of my purchases were worth she would moan for years. It is best she doesn't know how much that hifi, that we both listen to, actually cost
WestyCarl said:
OK, separate bank account admission time it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.
So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
That clearly works for you and good luck to you. I tried that with the missus but she just drained her account then used the joint one! it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
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