How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
FocusRS3 said:
WestyCarl said:
OK, separate bank account admission time 
it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.
So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
That clearly works for you and good luck to you. I tried that with the missus but she just drained her account then used the joint one! it's nothing to do with not sharing (we can probably both check each other accounts) it just works better for us on a number of levels. We did try the whole joint thing for a few years but just didn't work, i'd be thinking "ohh, got some left for a nice carbon widget", she'd think "ohh, got some left for a nice handbag" and we'd either be skint or one would be disappointed.So now I pay for mortgage, all bills and transfer some to my wife every month. With her salary and my transfer she has to put food on the table.
We both have some left every month in our own accounts to spend or save how we wish, no asking, having to allocate, needing to justify, etc.
Me. Can I buy xyz?
Mrs Bobbers. No, why do you need it?
Me. Not really.
Mrs Bobbers. Then why do you want it?
Me. Shiny!!!!
Mrs Bobbers. Sigh!!!!!
Alex said:
I don't subscribe to the "my wife is also my best friend" thing. We're a team, we love each other, we share everything, but she's not my best friend. My best friend is a bloke. We go to to pubs, do track days, go to Le Mans, talk cars and politics, the occasional gentleman's club etc..
Think it's different kind of best friend.A friend can be someone to do stuff with or to have there to support you.
RE joint accounts we have a joint savings account but individual accounts and I don't see that changing.
The big thing that makes it work is the teamwork aspect. You don't have to be best friends/soul mates, but you do have to work together and that often means the old fashioned division of labour. Do what you are good at. Too many couples seem to be in competition with each other and haven't worked out what they could be doing to make both their lives easier.
I think part of this is that for modern day living both partners often work full time and whilst it's old fashioned, I do think it was easier when one half had no job or a lesser job, especially if children were involved. After all, running a home and looking after children is a full time job in itself!
As a heart warmer for this chilly morning, my grandparents celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary this summer. They met when they were fourteen and married in their early 20s.
I think part of this is that for modern day living both partners often work full time and whilst it's old fashioned, I do think it was easier when one half had no job or a lesser job, especially if children were involved. After all, running a home and looking after children is a full time job in itself!
As a heart warmer for this chilly morning, my grandparents celebrated their 75th wedding anniversary this summer. They met when they were fourteen and married in their early 20s.
Edited by RicksAlfas on Friday 8th December 13:51
Bobberoo99 said:
Think reverse of this and it's us!!! I just defer to Mrs Bobbers financial understanding the conversation goes-
Me. Can I buy xyz?
Mrs Bobbers. No, why do you need it?
Me. Not really.
Mrs Bobbers. Then why do you want it?
Me. Shiny!!!!
Mrs Bobbers. Sigh!!!!!
Ignorance is bliss in our house. Actually my wife thinks carbon fiber was developed a low cost material to make planes cheaper, hence it's all over my bike and car Me. Can I buy xyz?
Mrs Bobbers. No, why do you need it?
Me. Not really.
Mrs Bobbers. Then why do you want it?
Me. Shiny!!!!
Mrs Bobbers. Sigh!!!!!
Douglas Quaid said:
I have a friend who doesn’t fancy or like his partner. But moving on takes effort so he puts up with no laughs or sex. It seems a lot of people do.
Open your mind, Quaid...open your mind...I'm almost in the same situation. I like my missus but all the juice has gone for whatever reason. But it takes two to not tango I suppose.
We've got 3 kids who I am committed to (twins age 10 included) and there's no way I'm going to destabilise them.
She's a great mum to them, though, it has to be said.
As soon as they are through University, I'm off.
Douglas Quaid said:
fido said:
This is the shocker for me - quite a few of my friends confessed to me that they didn't really fancy their partner! Obviously this was after a few beers, which I guess was the same state in which they proposed to said partner, but given that they are all reasonable looking blokes with decent jobs .. then again it is hard to find the right person .. and they'll always have a better looking sister/friend etc.
I have a friend who doesn’t fancy or like his partner. But moving on takes effort so he puts up with no laughs or sex. It seems a lot of people do. 
Brilad said:
Open your mind, Quaid...open your mind...
I'm almost in the same situation. I like my missus but all the juice has gone for whatever reason. But it takes two to not tango I suppose.
We've got 3 kids who I am committed to (twins age 10 included) and there's no way I'm going to destabilise them.
She's a great mum to them, though, it has to be said.
As soon as they are through University, I'm off.
Sad in a way obviously but if you're both not happy when the kids are off hand then you'll only end up resenting each other i suppose.
That said you have plenty of time to sort things out before they fly the nest
I'm almost in the same situation. I like my missus but all the juice has gone for whatever reason. But it takes two to not tango I suppose.
We've got 3 kids who I am committed to (twins age 10 included) and there's no way I'm going to destabilise them.
She's a great mum to them, though, it has to be said.
As soon as they are through University, I'm off.
Sad in a way obviously but if you're both not happy when the kids are off hand then you'll only end up resenting each other i suppose.
That said you have plenty of time to sort things out before they fly the nest
FocusRS3 said:
Absolutely spot on and i lucked out too despite trying to delay marriage as long as poss.
It wasnt because i didnt want to marry her it was due to not liking all the show that goes with the big day.
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!! If it goes pear shaped you are joint and severely liable for the lot anyway. Marriage is share and share alike and working together so in for a penny in for a pound i say.
And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
We do and don't have joint accounts. There's one for all the bills/mortgage/savings that we both put into (I put more in but I earn more and I'm happy with that) but then the whatever we earn over that is ours. It works pretty well, especially given the disparity in our salaries. She doesn't want to be a kept woman and I don't want one.It wasnt because i didnt want to marry her it was due to not liking all the show that goes with the big day.
Separate bank accounts- whats that all about?!! If it goes pear shaped you are joint and severely liable for the lot anyway. Marriage is share and share alike and working together so in for a penny in for a pound i say.
And as for facebook thats also agreed hence why i call it "Fakebook"
BryanC said:
She insisted a 50/50 relationship was right but I repeated that if you approach things 60/40 and put more into a relationship than you expect to get out, then you won't go far wrong.
I still think its a good rule to follow.
That only works if you both have that philosophy - you are both trying to put in 60%. Otherwise the other partner thinks their 40% is the norm, and before you know it, it's 70/30 then 80/20 etc..I still think its a good rule to follow.
I think a long term (life long) marriage needs commitment from both sides to make it work. As soon as one partner gets apathetic or starts taking the relationship/other half for granted, then a rift will start to open. Let's face it, getting divorced is pretty easy these days, in a lot of cases getting divorced is the easy solution, rather than working at the relationship - not all can be resolved, but most could be. You loved each other enough to get married in the first place, there must be something to work with there, as long as both sides want to work at it.
Then you need trust/honesty. Once you lose absolute trust in someone, it's very difficult to get it back.
You also need space/time from each other for a healthy relationship. Whether that's in your man cave/shed at the end of the garden, going for a drink with a friend, hobby that you do without your partner etc. Couples that spend 100% of their time together and cannot seem to function apart seem unhealthy to me. I'm sure we've all lost friends to their new partners? Sometimes things settle down and you start to see them again, other times, that's it they completely vanish down the rabbit hole.
Sex - as much as some people try to deny it's necessary, that humans are more complex than such basic animalistic behaviour. Reality is that a marriage with a healthy sex life will rarely fail, neither partner will stray. Ask any man who's having an affair why, and 9 time out of 10 he'll say it's because he isn't getting any at home. Ask a cheating wife why she's doing it, and she'll usually say 'for the attention, to feel wanted'. Bit of a generalisation - but men tend to play away almost purely for physical reasons, women who cheat are generally looking for a more emotional fulfilment. Hence, when a man has an affair, it's usually pretty easy to knock it on the head and go back to the wife (if finds out and will have him back, because her understanding of cheating is far more than just a bit of extra marital sex). But when a woman married woman cheats she has usually made much more of an emotional connection with the other man.
It seems most common to me that men have higher sex drives than women, particularly as couples get older, it's invariably the woman who's drive reduces, and goes off sex more than the man. We're always told that you shouldn't be forced/coerced into having sex with your partner if you don't want to. But the other side of the coin is that means you're rejecting/with holding sex from your partner, and both are pretty toxic to a relationship.
So matching sex drives are almost essential, at least in the same ball park so a satisfactory compromise can be reached (I know that makes it sound a bit like a business arrangement, but it usually works itself out naturally without having a complex negotiation!). I was reading an article the other day where 'older' women were complaining about Viagra causing problems in their relationship, saying it was unfair to expect them to match the new found performance of their husband's solid hard on, since they'd become used to something much less stiff! No pleasing some people!
mcbook said:
Sheepshanks said:
hyphen said:
As old fashioned and unpolitical correct as it is, most marriage happiness often comes down to the husband being fed a good meal fairly regularly, and getting bedroom activity fairly regularly - as guys will tolerate the weird ways of women if they are kept happy.....
I think that is an old fashioned thing. My missus knows what needs to be done, and she learned that off her mother. Younger women seem to want to be married and have kids, but also want to be independent.Younger women want to be married, have kids and be independent... are these things mutually exclusive?
Yes it is too much to expect to be married, have kids and be independent. That's the whole point of getting married, to work together as a team. You can be married and be independent, but if you start a family together they dynamic changes, so both partner's should expect to lose some independence. It might not sound particularly PC, but that's reality. One of the reasons divorce rates are so high is because society (particularly feminists), has convinced women that they can do everything themselves (and I'm not saying that it's impossible in every case), that a man isn't necessary.
This is an interesting thread, and apologies for a long post - this thread, and the stories on it (some tragic) have got me thinking on a slow Friday.
I’ll start with a bit about me. Basically, until I met Lady F, I had a very different life. I was extraordinarily promiscuous, really very rarely faithful, and loved a party/new conquest. I had had three long term relationships in 20 years, and the rest was spent single, doing one night stands, or a maximum of 2 months. I am not some kind of Adonis, but I have always had the advantage of having confidence and good chat – meaning that I have been lucky: I have never really had to settle for going out with someone I didn’t really want, just to have a girlfriend. (I think that self esteem has a lot of bearing on who you end up with, and how appropriate those choices are. My sister, despite being far better looking than me, suffers from low self esteem, and it has led to some bad relationships. She is 39, single, and worried that she will never meet anyone). However, I did have a serious thing – I wanted to feel intellectually superior to anyone I went out with. So I picked pretty, unambitious and a bit dim. None of these relationships ended well, but my friends thought I was some sort of dating legend, punching well above my weight, looks-wise. So in my way, I did have a self esteem issue.
Most of my male and female friends were married in their early 30s (I married at 39). So far, all of them are still happily married, although one is having some issues, mainly due to his crazy workload and his wife effectively bringing up 3 boys on her own. My friends are faithful and devoted to their partners. I am very happy for my group of close friends. Statistically, they are unusual.
My parents were married for 30 years before my father died. Without putting too fine a point on it, he was a s
t. Alcoholic, occasionally violent, self-centred and selfish, and incredibly charming with it all. My mother loved him, but they fought constantly. He left twice – coming back when he was ill. He died after a long illness, through which my mother nursed him. She was no saint, but she genuinely carried their marriage. There was no infidelity on either side that I know of. Had he been financially independent, I know that my father would have left. My mother was the successful one, financially and career-wise.
All of the above led me to a conscious decision at 32 to not get married, after a very bad break up to someone I thought I would marry, mainly because it seemed like the right thing to do. A combination of fear of what my parents had to go through, and watching my close social group make great matches, made me decide that if I couldn’t have the latter, I sure as well would not compromise and get stuck in something bad – I had seen the consequences of a bad match first hand.
I met Lady F by complete accident, whilst skiing. She was very different to any previous girlfriend I had had, but pretty similar to some of my old female friends. Frankly, my preference had always been very pretty (ornamental, really) and as said above, someone I could effectively socially dominate. Lady F had a very different appeal, that frankly I did not see immediately. She is tall, slim (exercise fanatic), extremely bright (two Masters degrees), and career focussed. She is very successful – as successful as I am now, and arguably her career has greater potential. She is financially independent. She wants to be a mother, but worries about how that will fit with her academic and career achievements – to the point that we have seriously discussed me being the one who stays at home if we decide we can afford it and that the children need a full-time parent. Personality-wise, she is actually quite shy and has suffered from anxiety in the past. She is non-materialistic (I am the materialistic one in the relationship). She is not jealous, and she trusts me despite my chequered history – this means more than you know. She is very generous with her time and resources, and she is very, very kind. She is also very, very funny – frankly when no-one else is there to see it but me, this grown woman clowns around like an idiot. I love it – she’s hilarious. She is very physically and verbally affectionate – as, I have discovered with her, am I. Many of my past relationships failed because neither of us really knew how to show any feelings.
She is very different to the girls I had dated before. Frankly, had I met her in my 20’s, I would not have fancied her, and in fact been a bit intimidated by her. As it was, as I had no intention of getting married and was not looking for a partner, we became friends. We were friends for a year before we realised that we had become seriously attracted to each other (this despite the fact that I had by this stage slept with a number of her friends: often a complete blocker for a woman). We married last year after 5 years together – I was 39, she was 35. I hope it will last. I feel more in love with her every day. We have not had seriously trying times that others have, and we do not yet have children (we went through a relatively late stage lost pregnancy together, which brought us closer as it was the first time she ever really had to rely on me, and I found it an honour and a pleasure to support her while she really suffered physically and emotionally).
She is not perfect – she suffers from anxiety, can be incredibly stubborn and intellectually snobbish on occasion (at which point I remind her that I too have a masters level education she as an American is more stupid than me, a Brit). She can be a bit emotionally fragile at times – she’ll have a bit of a meltdown if something goes wrong at work, which is very important to her. She can be quite dismissive of people making what in her eyes are “elementary” mistakes – moral or intellectual. I have to remind her that she shouldn’t judge everyone by her own lofty standards. She can’t cook for st – I do all of the cooking (secretly this suits me fine as I love it and it means I do not have to clear up). She is a neat freak, and I am congenitally messy. She smokes, which as an ex-smoker, I hate. She definitely drinks too much, but so do I – that’s something we both need to keep an eye on. As an American, she loves to “communicate” – but on reflection, I have picked up on this trait, and it has made us very open with each other. This was novel to me in a relationship, but I now don’t think I could live without our chats and bared feelings.
I do not know what makes a successful marriage, but I have some idea of how to make a bad one. I have married someone that I fancy, who makes me feel good, who needs me as much as I need her, and who I genuinely admire and look up to. She is someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with, and whose conversation I look forward to. Our libidos are in synch (you never know on this one, and of course it may not last past childbirth/ageing etc). I have not thought about going near another woman whilst over half a decade with her – in fact, the thought makes me fairly sick. She is my absolute priority in every single way. The reason she tolerates my occasionally going of the rails (not women, just the usual – drunkenness, failing to turn up to stuff after a big session, phoning her from strip clubs etc) is because she knows that when it comes down to it, she comes above anything else in my life. She reciprocates this feeling. We feel safe with each other – and that is not something I have had before, despite having been in love before.
I am very much in love, and I love being married – I regard it as something bigger than just the two of us: for the first time in my life I feel part of a team, and the urge to make something work, to cherish and protect it at the cost of anything else. I feel so sad when I read the divorce stories on here – I do so to learn, to spot signs, to see if there is stuff I can do as a man to make my marriage work. I would protect my wife over anyone else in the world, and I know she feels the same way about me; she says so, explicitly.
She is not my best friend - I don;t really have one as such, but more a small selection of very close male friends who sort of qualify. I don't want my wife to be my best friend - the dynamic is totally different.
The downside of all of this is that if anything went seriously wrong, I would be devastated. It’s why I work on and protect our relationship in every way I know how.
Apart from when I’ve had a shedload of tequilas and end up getting banned from The Shard and ending up in Spearmint Rhino (that was my last big effort, and to be fair it was last year, so doesn’t really count). Bad times, but always forgiven.
I’ll start with a bit about me. Basically, until I met Lady F, I had a very different life. I was extraordinarily promiscuous, really very rarely faithful, and loved a party/new conquest. I had had three long term relationships in 20 years, and the rest was spent single, doing one night stands, or a maximum of 2 months. I am not some kind of Adonis, but I have always had the advantage of having confidence and good chat – meaning that I have been lucky: I have never really had to settle for going out with someone I didn’t really want, just to have a girlfriend. (I think that self esteem has a lot of bearing on who you end up with, and how appropriate those choices are. My sister, despite being far better looking than me, suffers from low self esteem, and it has led to some bad relationships. She is 39, single, and worried that she will never meet anyone). However, I did have a serious thing – I wanted to feel intellectually superior to anyone I went out with. So I picked pretty, unambitious and a bit dim. None of these relationships ended well, but my friends thought I was some sort of dating legend, punching well above my weight, looks-wise. So in my way, I did have a self esteem issue.
Most of my male and female friends were married in their early 30s (I married at 39). So far, all of them are still happily married, although one is having some issues, mainly due to his crazy workload and his wife effectively bringing up 3 boys on her own. My friends are faithful and devoted to their partners. I am very happy for my group of close friends. Statistically, they are unusual.
My parents were married for 30 years before my father died. Without putting too fine a point on it, he was a s
t. Alcoholic, occasionally violent, self-centred and selfish, and incredibly charming with it all. My mother loved him, but they fought constantly. He left twice – coming back when he was ill. He died after a long illness, through which my mother nursed him. She was no saint, but she genuinely carried their marriage. There was no infidelity on either side that I know of. Had he been financially independent, I know that my father would have left. My mother was the successful one, financially and career-wise.All of the above led me to a conscious decision at 32 to not get married, after a very bad break up to someone I thought I would marry, mainly because it seemed like the right thing to do. A combination of fear of what my parents had to go through, and watching my close social group make great matches, made me decide that if I couldn’t have the latter, I sure as well would not compromise and get stuck in something bad – I had seen the consequences of a bad match first hand.
I met Lady F by complete accident, whilst skiing. She was very different to any previous girlfriend I had had, but pretty similar to some of my old female friends. Frankly, my preference had always been very pretty (ornamental, really) and as said above, someone I could effectively socially dominate. Lady F had a very different appeal, that frankly I did not see immediately. She is tall, slim (exercise fanatic), extremely bright (two Masters degrees), and career focussed. She is very successful – as successful as I am now, and arguably her career has greater potential. She is financially independent. She wants to be a mother, but worries about how that will fit with her academic and career achievements – to the point that we have seriously discussed me being the one who stays at home if we decide we can afford it and that the children need a full-time parent. Personality-wise, she is actually quite shy and has suffered from anxiety in the past. She is non-materialistic (I am the materialistic one in the relationship). She is not jealous, and she trusts me despite my chequered history – this means more than you know. She is very generous with her time and resources, and she is very, very kind. She is also very, very funny – frankly when no-one else is there to see it but me, this grown woman clowns around like an idiot. I love it – she’s hilarious. She is very physically and verbally affectionate – as, I have discovered with her, am I. Many of my past relationships failed because neither of us really knew how to show any feelings.
She is very different to the girls I had dated before. Frankly, had I met her in my 20’s, I would not have fancied her, and in fact been a bit intimidated by her. As it was, as I had no intention of getting married and was not looking for a partner, we became friends. We were friends for a year before we realised that we had become seriously attracted to each other (this despite the fact that I had by this stage slept with a number of her friends: often a complete blocker for a woman). We married last year after 5 years together – I was 39, she was 35. I hope it will last. I feel more in love with her every day. We have not had seriously trying times that others have, and we do not yet have children (we went through a relatively late stage lost pregnancy together, which brought us closer as it was the first time she ever really had to rely on me, and I found it an honour and a pleasure to support her while she really suffered physically and emotionally).
She is not perfect – she suffers from anxiety, can be incredibly stubborn and intellectually snobbish on occasion (at which point I remind her that I too have a masters level education she as an American is more stupid than me, a Brit). She can be a bit emotionally fragile at times – she’ll have a bit of a meltdown if something goes wrong at work, which is very important to her. She can be quite dismissive of people making what in her eyes are “elementary” mistakes – moral or intellectual. I have to remind her that she shouldn’t judge everyone by her own lofty standards. She can’t cook for s
t – I do all of the cooking (secretly this suits me fine as I love it and it means I do not have to clear up). She is a neat freak, and I am congenitally messy. She smokes, which as an ex-smoker, I hate. She definitely drinks too much, but so do I – that’s something we both need to keep an eye on. As an American, she loves to “communicate” – but on reflection, I have picked up on this trait, and it has made us very open with each other. This was novel to me in a relationship, but I now don’t think I could live without our chats and bared feelings.I do not know what makes a successful marriage, but I have some idea of how to make a bad one. I have married someone that I fancy, who makes me feel good, who needs me as much as I need her, and who I genuinely admire and look up to. She is someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with, and whose conversation I look forward to. Our libidos are in synch (you never know on this one, and of course it may not last past childbirth/ageing etc). I have not thought about going near another woman whilst over half a decade with her – in fact, the thought makes me fairly sick. She is my absolute priority in every single way. The reason she tolerates my occasionally going of the rails (not women, just the usual – drunkenness, failing to turn up to stuff after a big session, phoning her from strip clubs etc) is because she knows that when it comes down to it, she comes above anything else in my life. She reciprocates this feeling. We feel safe with each other – and that is not something I have had before, despite having been in love before.
I am very much in love, and I love being married – I regard it as something bigger than just the two of us: for the first time in my life I feel part of a team, and the urge to make something work, to cherish and protect it at the cost of anything else. I feel so sad when I read the divorce stories on here – I do so to learn, to spot signs, to see if there is stuff I can do as a man to make my marriage work. I would protect my wife over anyone else in the world, and I know she feels the same way about me; she says so, explicitly.
She is not my best friend - I don;t really have one as such, but more a small selection of very close male friends who sort of qualify. I don't want my wife to be my best friend - the dynamic is totally different.
The downside of all of this is that if anything went seriously wrong, I would be devastated. It’s why I work on and protect our relationship in every way I know how.
Apart from when I’ve had a shedload of tequilas and end up getting banned from The Shard and ending up in Spearmint Rhino (that was my last big effort, and to be fair it was last year, so doesn’t really count). Bad times, but always forgiven.
Edited by Harry Flashman on Friday 8th December 12:55
HD Adam said:
227bhp said:
HD Adam said:
Was married for 33 years, together for 35.
Very solid.
What happened?Very solid.
She died last year.
Breast cancer.
I won't find another like her not that I even want to.
I'm really sorry to hear it and I sometimes wonder myself what I would do without her. Not much else I can say really apart from I hope you're coping to some degree and have some friends and family to help a bit.
Tumbler said:
This year has been tough for us, my mum passed away which has seen a challenge to her Will which includes some horrific allegations, I've been diagnosed with a rare, aggressive incurable cancer, this has resulted in us having some conversations we never expected to have. He has been a rock through my surgery and chemo, physically and emotionally I've changed a lot, but his love has been constant.
My husband is step father to my daughters and we've been planning how he will convey my wishes at certain points in their lives that I'm unlikely to be around for. I'm thankful that we have him in our lives and that I can trust him to stand by them when I'm gone.
Oh my God, I am so sorry. I am so glad that he is there for you, and I wish you all the best.My husband is step father to my daughters and we've been planning how he will convey my wishes at certain points in their lives that I'm unlikely to be around for. I'm thankful that we have him in our lives and that I can trust him to stand by them when I'm gone.
I cannot imagine something like this, or the strength required to go through it.
otherman said:
That'd be the end for me. No respect for you at all, just wants the money.
No matey maybe i put it in the wrong context she cares only about us all as a family and wants to spoil us all with good home cooked food and make the house lovely for me and the kids.She is seriously thoughtful and lives by life being too short and loves to see the look on others faces .
She is a diamond but loves one too!
227bhp said:
HD Adam said:
227bhp said:
HD Adam said:
Was married for 33 years, together for 35.
Very solid.
What happened?Very solid.
She died last year.
Breast cancer.
I won't find another like her not that I even want to.
I'm really sorry to hear it and I sometimes wonder myself what I would do without her. Not much else I can say really apart from I hope you're coping to some degree and have some friends and family to help a bit.
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