How Solid Really is Your Marriage

[Symptomless Coma]

Eyersey1234 said:

Sorry to hear this are you ok?

Not really but I have no choice, got to keep the kids happy/healthy

[FocusRS3]

Symptomless Coma said:

Not really but I have no choice, got to keep the kids happy/healthy

Any sign of her yet ?

I’d question her mental state if she’s prepared to let them down too.

She’s not into drugs is she ?
Sorry if this sounds a complete assassination on your wife but what’s she’s done which includes the kids is beyond extreme .

[Bobberoo99]

Reading a lot of the posts from you guys who are going through this, it strikes me that It's happening more and more, two of the guys I work with have gone through it, one last year another over Christmas. Good luck everyone stay positive!

[FN2TypeR]

cossy400 said:

FN2TypeR said:

cossy400 said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Very much this!!!

Side note, I jacked my job 2 weeks before Christmas, got a new job pretty much straight away, (easiest money ve earnt) but the reasons I jacked (bullying) have caused me to think all sorts and ive started bursting in to tears for no reason whats so ever.

Im off the docs tomorrow to have a word and see what they suggest as ive never felt like this, it was a job I left moved on as you do, but I just feel so low and like ive caused me and my family a hard ship.

Its almost like im blaming myself, for sticking up for myself.

A very good friend of mine suggested a councillor but its not something I thought id benefit from, surely its just like getting it off my chest on here?

Not even remotely comparable

And where did I say it was??

I was agreeing that he needs to see someone, and sharing my experience at the minute.

Was never intended to be a my problems are bigger than yours post.......

but hey thanks for your constructive comment, you ve been a great help.

You didn't say it was, but you did ask a question, and I may have been blunt but it's true, telling peoplenon an internet forum about your problems isn't comparable to speaking to a professional

There is no need to be confrontational about it

[Symptomless Coma]

FocusRS3 said:

Any sign of her yet ?

I’d question her mental state if she’s prepared to let them down too.

She’s not into drugs is she ?
Sorry if this sounds a complete assassination on your wife but what’s she’s done which includes the kids is beyond extreme .

She turned up at 12:35, no she’s not into drugs and very rarely drinks. She asked when to return them, she’s aware that she needs to feed them. So we’ll see

[FocusRS3]

Symptomless Coma said:

She turned up at 12:35, no she’s not into drugs and very rarely drinks. She asked when to return them, she’s aware that she needs to feed them. So we’ll see

I'm assuming she explained why she was 2hrs late ?

The way she's behaving is like a male shirking his responsibilities, having a midlife crisis and having no idea how the kids life works .

Probably highlights how involved in the children's life you have always had to be .

Quite berwildering

[Symptomless Coma]

FocusRS3 said:

I'm assuming she explained why she was 2hrs late ?

The way she's behaving is like a male shirking his responsibilities, having a midlife crisis and having no idea how the kids life works .

Probably highlights how involved in the children's life you have always had to be .

Quite berwildering

Yes, 2hrs late because the sink plug broke. Yup, this whole experience is as if I’m in a parallel universe.

[anonymous-user]

Document and diary all this stuff.
Also expect that's social services may be aware. the school may have informed them
Good luck

[JulianPH]

Symptomless Coma said:

Yes, 2hrs late because the sink plug broke. Yup, this whole experience is as if I’m in a parallel universe.

As techiedave (above) said, document everything.

As you have said, you are in a lose/lose situation. You have to focus on the children first right now.

From a personal perspective you have to ask yourself;

• If she stays can you sort it out and put it behind you, or will it eat you up and the situation get worse again?

But from the kids perspective you need to ask yourself;

• If she goes, would you want the children to primarily with her or you? If it is with you, then is this realistic with work commitments?

If you want the kids with you (to be frank, whether she stays or not - and sorry to be so frank) you need to show the court (as it will be a court that decides unless she agrees with you and doesn't change her mind in the future) that she is not a fit parent and you are.

This is incredibly difficult.

As things currently stand they are in your favour. She is the one who has left the marital home and she is the one who has left the children in your care. If you can prove (perhaps via emails with her or her father) that she was ready to leave (the kids, not you - unfortunately you don't count when it comes to this) on Christmas morning this would be useful. Equally, having evidence to prove she was two hours late to see them with a stupid excuse and (very importantly) she had to get them back to you for dinner, this really helps you establish the fact you are the primary carer of your children.

Her ME history in relation to primary care would also enhance this point.

I know what I have said sounds cold and heartless - and I really hope the two of you find a quick resolution (and a month is not quick - I agree with the poster who said tell her she has a week) but if this drags out or comes up again you will never get the chance to keep your kids in the most stable environment (with you) as you have right now.

Let her focus on what she is potentially giving up rather than focusing on what you might lose. When you factor in the kids and the marital home (not that I am relegating you in this picture!) it becomes a massive wake up call for her.

Sorry for the long winded reply and the very best for you and your family.

[Symptomless Coma]

Thanks techiedave and julianPH.

Re childcare: they go to childminder wed/thur am and pm, Friday am and I pick them up after school Friday. Childminder can cover Tuesdays too just leaves Monday so I’ve already spoken to work and can come to an arrangement.

I believe I can do it. I just need her to be reasonable. Otherwise I’m really fked

[jamesv81]

FocusRS3 said:

So hows everybody getting along post xmas then?????

Had a rather bumpy 2 weeks really. She been very up and down. She made a total scene for nothing in public one day, I was fuming but could not say anything as it would just lead to at least a week of not talking plus at least an evening of screaming at me.

I had to already put up with a couple of her 5 hour rants since Christmas, with a light sprinkling of wine, so did not fancy any more.

A couple of nights later I thought I would take her out to try and start the new year off how we mean to go on and she sat in the car all the way there in a strop and when we got to the restaurant was really rude to the waitress again making a total scene and then just sat there and said nothing. I was so close to just walking out and leaving her there. Once we got home acted as if nothing happened.

Very stressful!

[JulianPH]

Symptomless Coma said:

Thanks techiedave and julianPH.

Re childcare: they go to childminder wed/thur am and pm, Friday am and I pick them up after school Friday. Childminder can cover Tuesdays too just leaves Monday so I’ve already spoken to work and can come to an arrangement.

I believe I can do it. I just need her to be reasonable. Otherwise I’m really fked

That is really good news for you and your kids.

Do record everything and be prepared to do so for the next few years.

It is not nice, but helpful (to say the least)..

Julian

[Sa Calobra]

Symptomless Coma I hope everything works out and look after your kids.

Are there any other signs, I.e on the run up to this, the way she's acted, used her phone etc?

Seems odd that a mum of two would leave the home to stay at her dad's. I don't want to insuate anything but is she at her dad's all the time? Or says she's there.

[anonymous-user]

Symptomless Coma said:

Thanks techiedave and julianPH.

Re childcare: they go to childminder wed/thur am and pm, Friday am and I pick them up after school Friday. Childminder can cover Tuesdays too just leaves Monday so I’ve already spoken to work and can come to an arrangement.

I believe I can do it. I just need her to be reasonable. Otherwise I’m really fked

I assume you will have. But you DO have parental responsibility for these children ie both yours ?
No need to reply just checking you do.
also its time the childminder was aware of current situation. You may need to safeguard against her popping along to childminder and then vanishing with the kids or worse.
Sorry to be cruel and blunt but a friend of ours worked in a school and the stories she told were horrific.
Good luck

[Ari]

jamesv81 said:

Had a rather bumpy 2 weeks really. She been very up and down. She made a total scene for nothing in public one day, I was fuming but could not say anything as it would just lead to at least a week of not talking plus at least an evening of screaming at me.

I had to already put up with a couple of her 5 hour rants since Christmas, with a light sprinkling of wine, so did not fancy any more.

A couple of nights later I thought I would take her out to try and start the new year off how we mean to go on and she sat in the car all the way there in a strop and when we got to the restaurant was really rude to the waitress again making a total scene and then just sat there and said nothing. I was so close to just walking out and leaving her there. Once we got home acted as if nothing happened.

Very stressful!

Guessing you must be married and have kids if you're still there?

No excuse for an adult to 'make a scene in public', smacks of zero respect for you or for herself. People are supposed to grow out of it at the age of eight.

And not challenging it for fear of emotional retribution is just victim of bullying behaviour. I don't mean that to be harsh (sorry, it sounds it I guess), but often people experiencing it don't see it.

[Symptomless Coma]

Sa Calobra said:

Symptomless Coma I hope everything works out and look after your kids.

Are there any other signs, I.e on the run up to this, the way she's acted, used her phone etc?

Seems odd that a mum of two would leave the home to stay at her dad's. I don't want to insuate anything but is she at her dad's all the time? Or says she's there.

She’s always on her phone/iPad, she started a new job and did mention that a younger guy paid her compliments. I wasn’t fazed as we had a strong, trusting relationship and I tell her she’s lovely. But.... she started getting the odd lift with him in December. I don’t believe that she cheated but maybe her head was turned, which has thrown confusion for her (maybe). Either way it’s st for me

[hyphen]

funkyrobot said:

Put a lot of weight on recently. Been annoyed with life. Been going to sleep late (like now) then struggling to wake up in the mornings. Been quite fed up with things.

Address this first. Get into a routine of sleeping and eating well.

Going for a run/long walk before bed or in the morning may help.

[funkyrobot]

hyphen said:

funkyrobot said:

Put a lot of weight on recently. Been annoyed with life. Been going to sleep late (like now) then struggling to wake up in the mornings. Been quite fed up with things.

Address this first. Get into a routine of sleeping and eating well.

Going for a run/long walk before bed or in the morning may help.

Thanks. Have my multiple bicycles lined up and ready to go. Just need to get out there. Was supposed to go out this morning but was too tired. Then my daughter is up and I want to spend time with her.

Need to get my ass into gear with the bicycles though as cycling really helps. I lost a load of weight last year through cycling.

Need to address the sleep issue. However, I find myself distracted and don't want to go to sleep as I know that as soon as I do, its another day and another day at work during the week.

We have had a date night tonight as our daughter is at her parent's. We went out to watch a film, she moaned the film was too long, now we are back home she's just gone to sleep. Moaned at me the other night when I got home from my friend's house and went off to my office room after she laid into me. Said I never want to spend time with her.

She apologised about the unnecessary attack on me on Thursday night. She also said she felt sad that I said I'd go out alone tonight. Errmm, she told me she didn't want to go out with me tonight, that's why I said fair enough don't bother then. Strange.

Worst thing is she is carrying on like nothing has happened.

I called a domestic abuse charity for men on Friday. They said I can either log the attacks with my gp. Otherwise I need to log it with the police. This will open a can of worms though and social services will be all over us. Scary thought.

[FocusRS3]

funkyrobot said:

Thanks. Have my multiple bicycles lined up and ready to go. Just need to get out there. Was supposed to go out this morning but was too tired. Then my daughter is up and I want to spend time with her.

Need to get my ass into gear with the bicycles though as cycling really helps. I lost a load of weight last year through cycling.

Need to address the sleep issue. However, I find myself distracted and don't want to go to sleep as I know that as soon as I do, its another day and another day at work during the week.

We have had a date night tonight as our daughter is at her parent's. We went out to watch a film, she moaned the film was too long, now we are back home she's just gone to sleep. Moaned at me the other night when I got home from my friend's house and went off to my office room after she laid into me. Said I never want to spend time with her.

She apologised about the unnecessary attack on me on Thursday night. She also said she felt sad that I said I'd go out alone tonight. Errmm, she told me she didn't want to go out with me tonight, that's why I said fair enough don't bother then. Strange.

Worst thing is she is carrying on like nothing has happened.

I called a domestic abuse charity for men on Friday. They said I can either log the attacks with my gp. Otherwise I need to log it with the police. This will open a can of worms though and social services will be all over us. Scary thought.

All very confusing I should imagine never knowing quite where you stand or when its next going to lick off.

Personally I'd log the attacks with your GP so at least there is something .
Going to the police will hugely ignite things .

I don't know the background, have you been married long ? How old is your daughter? Have you tried or suggested relate for example ?

[GT03ROB]

funkyrobot said:

Thanks. Have my multiple bicycles lined up and ready to go. Just need to get out there. Was supposed to go out this morning but was too tired. Then my daughter is up and I want to spend time with her.

Need to get my ass into gear with the bicycles though as cycling really helps. I lost a load of weight last year through cycling.

Need to address the sleep issue. However, I find myself distracted and don't want to go to sleep as I know that as soon as I do, its another day and another day at work during the week.

We have had a date night tonight as our daughter is at her parent's. We went out to watch a film, she moaned the film was too long, now we are back home she's just gone to sleep. Moaned at me the other night when I got home from my friend's house and went off to my office room after she laid into me. Said I never want to spend time with her.

She apologised about the unnecessary attack on me on Thursday night. She also said she felt sad that I said I'd go out alone tonight. Errmm, she told me she didn't want to go out with me tonight, that's why I said fair enough don't bother then. Strange.

Worst thing is she is carrying on like nothing has happened.

I called a domestic abuse charity for men on Friday. They said I can either log the attacks with my gp. Otherwise I need to log it with the police. This will open a can of worms though and social services will be all over us. Scary thought.

Funky are these verbal or physical attacks?