How Solid Really is Your Marriage

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Ari said:

TwigtheWonderkid said:

No it isn't. A lottery is 100% chance. You can't do anything to enhance your chance of success. You can do lots of things to increase your chances of a successful marriage. There are no guarantees, but it's a long way from being a lottery.

A bit of due diligence before you get married might help. Do you agree on the most basic things, our attitudes to finance, kids, religion or lack of, sex, politics etc. If a financially cautious, atheist, tory, who loves kids is marrying a spendthrift, christian, socialist who hates kids and doesn't want them, they I suspect they might not make it.

Absolutely 100% this!!

I don't wish to be unsympathetic, and we've all picked wrong 'uns (something that applies equally to women) but honestly, why do some of you marry these people?

Sure, people change, yada yada, but a lot of the women mentioned in this post are downright unpleasant, nasty even. I find it hard to believe that they have undergone a complete personality transplant - there must have been some sign of it.

There's a reason why some women settle for men who appear not to be in their 'league', it's because all the men in their 'league' saw the warning signs and bailed.

Yes, of course it's possible to get it wrong, but I'm sure in many cases men just vote with their dicks and then wonder later why it didn't turn out so well.

Pretty much this. The amount of weddings the wife and I have attended over the years, where we look at each other and say "I'll give it 2 years tops". We sometimes get the length wrong but rarely the end result. If we can see it, why can't they? Blinded by lust.

[Sa Calobra]

Not even lust. Person desperate for their own white wedding day. Wedding day over and they then remember they dropped their standards of what they really wanted (but couldn't get) after spending a few years in their thirties eternally single?

I know one person who has spent a large degree of her thirties single seeing married blokes in their 50's. I'm expecting a surprise 'heres my fella', then 'we' are getting married'. She's 40 next year.

Reading this makes me feel Abit mean and callous but having witnessed a few people over the past two decades it seems (to me) to show a few patterns.

I'm also witnessing someone who works hard, wife doesn't want to work, planning house improvement upon extension etc etc and post three kids tells everyone that she isn't happy/wants to feel like a 20something again (and has been acting like a student more and more). Meanwhile he's utterly oblivious to what's happening/coming.

Need to stop this negative feeling

[susanq]

There are two sides to every story. I'd love to hear the other side to these stories.

[Sa Calobra]

Grumpy blokes who have let standards slide, don't take care of their appearance anymore?

Sex has declined as woman doesn't fancy them anymore but also bloke is mildly depressed and either stuck in a rut at work or working all the hours because they need to as they aren't efficient or won't push back?

Generalisations but when sex drops off in a relationship it's not because 'kids take up our time' or 'as you get older you don't do it like kids do'.

Women in their 40's do have big sexdrives. Stifle it long enough and they'll implode, scream and do something irrational like lie out of character and mentally feel like they want it again and project that.

Who wants to live all of their 40' & 50's on once a week (or less) sex?

Feel free to challenge me on part or all of this but I feel it's essentially true.

It all comes back to the basics. Attraction, sex, feeling attractive, feeling attracted, drives etc.

Edited by Sa Calobra on Wednesday 17th January 10:27

[anonymous-user]

Sa Calobra said:

Grumpy blokes who have let standards slide, don't take care of their appearance anymore?

Sex has declined as woman doesn't fancy them anymore but also bloke is mildly depressed and either stuck in a rut at work or working all the hours because they need to as they aren't efficient or won't push back?

Generalisations but when sex drops off in a relationship it's not because 'kids take up our time' or 'as you get older you don't do it like kids do'.

Women in their 40's do have big sexdrives. Stifle it long enough and they'll implode, scream and do something irrational like lie out of character and mentally feel like they want it again and project that.

Who wants to live all of their 40' & 50's on once a week (or less) sex?

Feel free to challenge me on part or all of this but I feel it's essentially true.

I/we have a great marriage, both still good looking (he said modestly) and fit, both love spending all our time together but according to you our lives must be miserable due to the frequency of sex.

I'd say it's more that whilst we still love and fancy each other we are also very happy in each other's company and don't need to rut constantly to prove it.

[Sa Calobra]

If you don't mind me asking how old are you? If 30/40's and sleep in the same bed every night and do it >once a week I don't see that as healthy.

Curious and I'm not saying I am right. She may love you but not be in love. Again, no offence meant. As the frequency dropped over the past ten years?

Edited by Sa Calobra on Wednesday 17th January 10:34

[Eyersey1234]

FocusRS3 said:

McVities said:

That's got to be one of the nicest and most positive posts I have ever seen on here.

Agreed 100%!

I agree too, good to hear triumph over adversity

[BigMon]

Sa Calobra said:

If you don't mind me asking how old are you? If 30/40's and sleep in the same bed every night and do it >once a week I don't see that as healthy.

Curious and I'm not saying I am right. She may love you but not be in love. Again, no offence meant. As the frequency dropped over the past ten years?

Edited by Sa Calobra on Wednesday 17th January 10:34

Having spoken to a relationship councillor there is no such thing as a 'normal' number of times per week\month\year to be 'doing it'. As long as both parties are happy with the frequency that's all that matters.

Where it is a real issue is if you have mismatching sex drives. I would imagine that is pretty difficult to get around if one of you is up for it every night, but the other one only wants it every few weeks.

Edited by BigMon on Wednesday 17th January 11:05

[BigMon]

keirik said:

I'd say it's more that whilst we still love and fancy each other we are also very happy in each other's company and don't need to rut constantly to prove it.

Agreed.

[Sa Calobra]

That's fine, hence my question on age and my post around age. If your 30/40's you are in your prime, sex dropping off here without medical/similar reason would raise questions.

[singlecoil]

BigMon said:

Where it is a real issue is if you have mismatching sex drives. I would imagine that is pretty difficult to get around if one of you is up for it every night, but the other one only wants it every few weeks

And yet it's something the majority of husbands learn to live with

[stargazer30]

@S Coma. Yup as has been said I think the missus is playing away or best case is in an emotional affair.

The post about the guy whos been married 30+ years and gone through all manor of **** and they came out the other end, reminds me of my marrage. We're both 40 been together since 18. Neither of us bear any resemblence to our 18 year old selves. We've been though all manor of crap and at one point I walked. There are days I could kill her but there are days I could not imagine life without her either. She has the mental (like all women I suspect) but shes a good woman. I'm no picnic either.

I might be getting old but I think todays generation has a, "if its broke toss it" attitude to everything. We are both, if its broke then fix it. Even though I believe in marriage, I'll be telling my two lads to not even consider marriage until they are in there 30s and only then if they want kids. Marriage today is a simply massive risk if you're the guy.

What helped me a fair bit was after I walked out I took a long hard look at myself. I kicked needy/beta billy to the kerb, took the red pill and got my **** in order. 3 years later I still lift, do karate, am much fitter and not fat. I accepted alot of the problems in our marriage were infact my problems that I needed to fix. More importantly I learned to frame other peoples "mental" (wife included) and not let it bother me anymore.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

susanq said:

There are two sides to every story. I'd love to hear the other side to these stories.

In my experience 3 sides, his side, her side.......... and the truth.

[Robertj21a]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

susanq said:

There are two sides to every story. I'd love to hear the other side to these stories.

In my experience 3 sides, his side, her side.......... and the truth.

Not quite. It's actually 4 sides - his side, her side, the truth - and the knowledge that it's going to be best to end up with whatever she wants........

[Ari]

BigMon said:

keirik said:

I'd say it's more that whilst we still love and fancy each other we are also very happy in each other's company and don't need to rut constantly to prove it.

Agreed.

If having sex is considered something you have to do to 'prove' something to the other person, maybe that explains why you aren't having very much of it?

Most people do it because they enjoy it, not because they need to prove anything.

[Sa Calobra]

I asked about age of each but received no reply..

[Ari]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

susanq said:

There are two sides to every story. I'd love to hear the other side to these stories.

In my experience 3 sides, his side, her side.......... and the truth.

I think that's absolutely right, but equally there are people on here that clearly have married very unwisely, or indeed stay with people that common sense would suggest is a very bad idea.

There was a post earlier on the thread about a woman who had a 'complete meltdown' in public at him. I'm guessing that means shouting at him in public. He then said that he felt he couldn't broach the subject later when she'd calmed down as he would be made to suffer for weeks.

Now okay, we don't know both sides of the story, but that's clearly not a healthy situation to be in, so why do it?

Many years ago I was absolutely head over heels with a girl I'd met. She was just perfect, physically, personality, aims, ambitions, I really felt I'd found the one. But she was incredibly neurotic and HAD to be centre stage the whole time. While she was, all was fine. But if I was doing anything that didn't directly involve her she was a nightmare. She'd deliberately engineer arguments and then build them into rows, just so that she was the focus of attention. On one occasion she was arguing a point that was clearly wrong, I managed to explain to her that she was wrong and she actually started arguing the opposite, suggesting that I was the one that believed the thing that was wrong in the first place! It was madness.

I tried everything I could but couldn't change it. Maybe it was me doing something wrong and not realising, maybe a stronger person could have dealt with it or a more sympathetic person could have helped her with it. But ultimately, whoever's fault it was, the situation was clearly toxic.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, splitting up with her, it actually made me physically ill. But sometimes you have to recognise a toxic situation, appreciate you can't change it and remove yourself from it.

Not get married to it..!

[stargazer30]

Ari said:

I think that's absolutely right, but equally there are people on here that clearly have married very unwisely, or indeed stay with people that common sense would suggest is a very bad idea.

There was a post earlier on the thread about a woman who had a 'complete meltdown' in public at him. I'm guessing that means shouting at him in public. He then said that he felt he couldn't broach the subject later when she'd calmed down as he would be made to suffer for weeks.

Now okay, we don't know both sides of the story, but that's clearly not a healthy situation to be in, so why do it?

Many years ago I was absolutely head over heels with a girl I'd met. She was just perfect, physically, personality, aims, ambitions, I really felt I'd found the one. But she was incredibly neurotic and HAD to be centre stage the whole time. While she was, all was fine. But if I was doing anything that didn't directly involve her she was a nightmare. She'd deliberately engineer arguments and then build them into rows, just so that she was the focus of attention. On one occasion she was arguing a point that was clearly wrong, I managed to explain to her that she was wrong and she actually started arguing the opposite, suggesting that I was the one that believed the thing that was wrong in the first place! It was madness.

I tried everything I could but couldn't change it. Maybe it was me doing something wrong and not realising, maybe a stronger person could have dealt with it or a more sympathetic person could have helped her with it. But ultimately, whoever's fault it was, the situation was clearly toxic.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, splitting up with her, it actually made me physically ill. But sometimes you have to recognise a toxic situation, appreciate you can't change it and remove yourself from it.

Not get married to it..!

I noticed there has been recent legislation that makes if illegal for one partner in the relationship to emotionally abuse and be controlling over the other. Things like stopping them seeing friends, abusive/demeaning behavior, taking there money etc.. I recon some of the WAGs in this thread would be on the wrong side of it. However its written for men abusing women, I don't think it can be applied when the woman is the abusive one.

Equal rights an all....

[Sa Calobra]

It's either way. Men can equally call the police too.

[Olivera]

jamesv81 said:

My mrs will say truly horrible things some days. Over Christmas she said she would not tell anyone if I died and get my body cremated and not have a service. I just laughed it off and said the funeral will be cheap then, but in reality it was a really hurtful comment that my last day would be on my own but she says stuff like that all the time.

No, that's not a 'hurtful comment', e.g. 'you are stupid idiot...". That is a seriously cruel and deranged comment. Don't convince yourself it's anywhere near normal.