How Solid Really is Your Marriage

[BoRED S2upid]

tombar said:

Me too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had mostly a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. I don't fancy a life alone at 52. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Thanks

Tricky one that. He’s dead. You win.

[GT03ROB]

BoRED S2upid said:

tombar said:

Me too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had mostly a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. I don't fancy a life alone at 52. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Thanks

Tricky one that. He’s dead. You win.

Is probably the right answer!

However there is also a serious answer. If you are happy that everything has been good since then with nothing else having happened, then don't throw it all away. If the remorse is genuine, forgive. That doesn't mean forget. It will haunt you, only you know if you can live with that. But if it was a one off, he is dead, he is gone. She made a mistake.

I had something similar once. I decided to end it, but it was Christmas, so didn't want to spoil everything. Over the Christmas her mum said something to me, & it changed my thought process. I could reconcile the why & realized this was not my failing, but part of something else that was happening at the time. I could also reconcile that she had been a victim in what had happened. Subsequently his professional career was destroyed publicly & in the national press as a result of what happened to her & others. This made it possible for me to move on. This is very cryptic I know & deliberately so, but is to emphasize that it is possible to move on, but to me you have to reconcile what happened in your mind first.

[singlecoil]

tombar said:

Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Be wary of being the wronged party, it puts her in the role of being the one who did the wrong and that's not something that's much fun to live with. She may decide she doesn't want to do that and the marriage will be over anyway. If you are going to forgive her (in your own mind, don't put it that way to her) then make it clear that it is whole-hearted. If blame needs to be taken then take some yourself.

Yes, it's unfair, but forgiveness is not free, it's the forgiver that has to pay for it.

[hairyben]

tombar said:

Me too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had mostly a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. I don't fancy a life alone at 52. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Thanks

2 thoughts

1. Staying with someone because you don't fancy being alone is all kinds of wrong and there'll be resentment and thoughts you could/should do better etc which is not what a relationship should be.

2.I think need full disclosure, it's not an uncommon thing for partners to "need to know" every sordid detail, you've already more or less come to terms with that she's probably had an affair but the lack of knowing for sure sounds like its haunting you more than the fact so you need to do whatever it takes to be honest with each other so you can come to terms with it and move on, maybe see a couples counselor etc.

Snooping around checking browsing history is a dark thing to do, I'm not criticising so much as seeing it as a symptom of something very problematic.

Best wishes.

[FocusRS3]

In order to get it some form of closure and move on why not be insistent on both going go a relationship councillor and getting the complete truth. warts and all, out in the open .

For me I'd want to know the exact detail and why the deceit for so many years to be able to rationalise ir in my head but then that's me .

I fully appreciate people deal and handle things differently.......

[Symptomless Coma]

FocusRS3 said:

Funky robot and symptomless coma how’s things going ?

Slow for me, she still hasn’t even begun house sale to me as she’s too busy to complete the paperwork. She’s been on holiday with him this week. She’s fallen out with her dad over this (her mum did the same to him) as she was staying at her dad’s 4 nights - I guess she will move in with the new guy as he’s left his wife and about to move into a house share.
That will complicate things as she won’t be able to have the kids over so I’ll still be 100% single dad. Oh and Mother’s Day was st. I think she expected me to cook for her.

[FocusRS3]

Symptomless Coma said:

Slow for me, she still hasn’t even begun house sale to me as she’s too busy to complete the paperwork. She’s been on holiday with him this week. She’s fallen out with her dad over this (her mum did the same to him) as she was staying at her dad’s 4 nights - I guess she will move in with the new guy as he’s left his wife and about to move into a house share.
That will complicate things as she won’t be able to have the kids over so I’ll still be 100% single dad. Oh and Mother’s Day was st. I think she expected me to cook for her.

You are best out of it and away from her for sure as I'm sure you're aware.
This new bloke and her won't last . The complications of others kids and moving from pillar to post will be more stressful than they could have both ever imagined .
As they say the novelty will wear off .

Pretty heartless any mother than can leave her kids full time pretty much .

Anyway mate good to hear from you

[rovermorris999]

tombar said:

Me too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had mostly a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. I don't fancy a life alone at 52. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Thanks

Definitely worth persevering. Looks like she made a mistake and is remorseful. As you get older, swinging from the chandeliers is slowly replaced with loving companionship (with sex too hopefully!). What is important now is rebuilding the trust. It'll never be quite the same again but like damage to a car (this is PH after all) a good repair can be unnoticeable but you know it's there. If you can both handle that then there is still a good future for your relationship. Good luck.

[tombar]

Thank you so much for your genuinely helpful replies, one and all. I was looking for some perspective when all I could think was hurt and confusion, and it really helped.

She is genuinely remorseful and I think has been more or less honest with me about what happened - which as well as being painful to hear, was also helpful. I love her (always did - we've 26 years invested together and it has been a pretty good marriage) and she loves me. I slept on it (2 hours, but hey, it's a start) and decided that the only option I want is to forgive her. I just told her that. Forgiveness is a process I guess, but it feels a positive decision I can make. It feels better already.

I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.

It will take work and time but she's committed to that - at least that's what we talked about last night.

I'll let you know how we get on. Continued advice very much welcomed from those who've forgiven. Best of luck to the others on this thread.

[FocusRS3]

tombar said:

Thank you so much for your genuinely helpful replies, one and all. I was looking for some perspective when all I could think was hurt and confusion, and it really helped.

She is genuinely remorseful and I think has been more or less honest with me about what happened - which as well as being painful to hear, was also helpful. I love her (always did - we've 26 years invested together and it has been a pretty good marriage) and she loves me. I slept on it (2 hours, but hey, it's a start) and decided that the only option I want is to forgive her. I just told her that. Forgiveness is a process I guess, but it feels a positive decision I can make. It feels better already.

I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.

It will take work and time but she's committed to that - at least that's what we talked about last night.

I'll let you know how we get on. Continued advice very much welcomed from those who've forgiven. Best of luck to the others on this thread.

Well done you but take it a stage at af time, you don't yet know when you may have a dark moment.

Sometimes what doesn't break you ( in this case your marriage) makes you stronger as they say and if you're both committed to making it good again then there's no reason it can't work .

You have, as you say , two wonderful Lads, and no further ongoing complications in terms of external influences.

Good luck

[rovermorris999]

One thing to watch is to try not to bring it up as ammunition when you have an argument in the future. Picking at scabs isn't good and she'll think you never really forgave her. Not easy when the red mist descends I know but something to bear in mind.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

tombar said:

I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.

This is the key. She didn't go down that route because she was blissfully happy with her marriage, and felt loved and appreciated. What she did was wrong, but your actions at the time would have contributed to her behaviour.

[FocusRS3]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

This is the key. She didn't go down that route because she was blissfully happy with her marriage, and felt loved and appreciated. What she did was wrong, but your actions at the time would have contributed to her behaviour.

This happened to a friend of mines years back .

I'm not suggesting the OP is a bad man of course but my mate showed no respect or love to his wife and she strayed.

TBF to him he understood why she did it and 20yrs on they are very happy together .
He had to deal with the whole physical side of things too...not nice.

[Robertj21a]

tombar said:

Thank you so much for your genuinely helpful replies, one and all. I was looking for some perspective when all I could think was hurt and confusion, and it really helped.

She is genuinely remorseful and I think has been more or less honest with me about what happened - which as well as being painful to hear, was also helpful. I love her (always did - we've 26 years invested together and it has been a pretty good marriage) and she loves me. I slept on it (2 hours, but hey, it's a start) and decided that the only option I want is to forgive her. I just told her that. Forgiveness is a process I guess, but it feels a positive decision I can make. It feels better already.

I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.

It will take work and time but she's committed to that - at least that's what we talked about last night.

I'll let you know how we get on. Continued advice very much welcomed from those who've forgiven. Best of luck to the others on this thread.

Well done !

I was in the camp of 'Forgive her..... he's dead...... it's a while ago......she's remorseful'. After 26 years, and with older age ever nearer (!), you really don't want to be splitting up an otherwise happy family life unless it has gone way beyond what you can cope with.
As others have said, it's probably any lingering bit of doubt, your 'red mist', and general uncertainty that you'll have to cope with.

I hope it all goes well for you both.

[MYOB]

Robertj21a said:

What's happened to that other topical thread - 'Relationship breakdown to separation' ? It seems to have been closed down ......

Last I saw was that the ex was apoplectic after seeing a letter from his solicitor referring to her absconding with the kids, when in fact she had simply gone to visit her family. So it was bad advice from some on here encouraging the op to take action by seeing his solicitor.

It's a shame and I hope everything is okay with him and the kids.

[anonymous-user]

MYOB said:

Last I saw was that the ex was apoplectic after seeing a letter from his solicitor referring to her absconding with the kids, when in fact she had simply gone to visit her family. So it was bad advice from some on here encouraging the op to take action by seeing his solicitor.

It's a shame and I hope everything is okay with him and the kids.

More than a bit of a mis representation there.
If you recall the OP on that thread had already been seeing a solicitor a day or so previously. His partner had been doing it before that.
The OP received several types of advice and some of it was good some bad.

[MYOB]

techiedave said:

More than a bit of a mis representation there.
If you recall the OP on that thread had already been seeing a solicitor a day or so previously. His partner had been doing it before that.
The OP received several types of advice and some of it was good some bad.

No it's not a misrepresentation. Did you see his last post before the thread was deleted?

[FocusRS3]

MYOB said:

Last I saw was that the ex was apoplectic after seeing a letter from his solicitor referring to her absconding with the kids, when in fact she had simply gone to visit her family. So it was bad advice from some on here encouraging the op to take action by seeing his solicitor.

It's a shame and I hope everything is okay with him and the kids.

Sounds like she has a longer term plan that doesnt include him anyway so going legal was only a matter of time only i think

[Pericoloso]

MYOB said:

techiedave said:

More than a bit of a mis representation there.
If you recall the OP on that thread had already been seeing a solicitor a day or so previously. His partner had been doing it before that.
The OP received several types of advice and some of it was good some bad.

No it's not a misrepresentation. Did you see his last post before the thread was deleted?

The OP of a thread like that always has the option for deletion if he asks a md to do so.

sometimes the Ex finds the separation thread and stuff hits the fan.

[QuickQuack]

tombar said:

Me too now. Just found out that my wife had an affair 10 years ago. I'd my suspicions at the time but it all seemed to resolve itself and we have had mostly a good marriage - 22 years in, 2 lovely sons of 20 and 16.

So I found out that this 'friend' had died. She had known but hadn't told me, which raised suspicions. A quick (shameful) look at her search history brought up "Stories about affair and the man died". Subtle.

Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her. It was all 9 years ago and I believe her that she broke it off and has been faithful ever since.

Anyway - I don't know what to feel. She is very remorseful and wants to fix things. I don't fancy a life alone at 52. Has anyone brought it back from the brink - and how? Not looking for Snakes with .....answers....

Thanks

Yes I have known it to come back and although it wasn't me, I was quite involved. My best mate's wife had an affair about 7 years ago. At the time they'd been married for over a decade, and together for 15 years. It was a very tough time for both of them, she too thought she was in love with the other guy, but then realised she wasn't, and she was genuinely remorseful; indeed she still is to this day. It took a long time with lots of ups and downs for them to work things out, but in the end they did. They're now closer than they were before the affair, don't take each other for granted and have a lot more mutual respect than they ever did before. I was and still am trusted by both, and helped them through; mainly by pointing out their own faults more often than not, because neither party was fault free. What drove her to the affair was lack of love and respect from her husband, him taking her for granted. What led to his behaviour towards her was the fact that she seemed incapable of doing anything by herself other than look pretty; incapable of sticking with a part time job, incapable of calling a locksmith when she left her keys indoors etc etc. However, the reason she turned into that was because he took care of everything and didn't let her do anything so despite her degree and intelligence, she had become deskilled at life. Put simply, a chicken and egg cycle of diminishing mutual respect. When it looked like he was going to end the marriage, she pulled her socks up, and started exerting herself a hell of a lot more and found her inner strength again. She admitted to her own faults without blaming him and gradually fixed herself. Throughout, she remained remorseful for the affair. MBM also saw sense, slowly understood his own faults, and came to the realisation that although it takes two to have an affair, it took two to nearly ruin their marriage in the first place. It took a few years for the whole process, it certainly wasn't a quick or easy fix, but they got there in the end.

Some time later, while sitting on a train and contemplating life in general, I wondered I how would react. I had got married not that long ago, and up until then, my thoughts had always been that an affair would be something I would never forgive. As I sat on that train, I felt physically sick at the thought that my wife could have an affair and leave me, even though it wasn't even remotely likely. What it taught me though was that if she did have an affair, I would forgive and would want to save our relationship. When I spoke to my wife later, she said she felt the same too, she would also forgive and work to save our marriage.

Interestingly, the first part of my best mate's wife's "affair" was also non-sexual but to her it still counted as an affair because of her feelings. This seems to be a far more important aspect to women than men. Therefore if your wife is saying that nothing sexual happened, then I'd be inclined to believe her.

You have my sympathies; I do hope that you can work through your feelings, sort out your problems and be happy together.