How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
desolate said:
Surely if nothing sexual happened then it's just a friendship?
If we all have to get divorced because we quite fancy the idea of shagging someone then there would be trouble.
I think that, to women at least, they will consider it an 'affair' once the other party arranges clandestine meetings, trips away, outings to film/theatre etc - and hides all knowledge of those meetings from the husband/partner. Although it's probably unusual, I guess that sex itself is not always necessary (for women).If we all have to get divorced because we quite fancy the idea of shagging someone then there would be trouble.
Everyone is different and maybe this is selfish but I couldn't trust or forgive if my wife had an affair. My best friend had an affair with a married woman at work. That too started out as non sexual, lots of flirting and dirty talk then sex whilst still having sex at home often on the same day as it felt naughty. Remember as kids getting up to stuff in a girl's parents house? That's what it's like except 'the parents' this time is the boring staid relationship i.e. The partner at home.
Oral sex wasn't a guilt filled chore for either transgressor it was exciting and naughty fun.
For me. An affair goes through a life cycle;
- Flirt. Eye contact.
- Engage, talk, talk dirty, intimate messages in their hundreds.
- Sex. Alot of it. Anyone who says there isn't is in denial. Even in a short period it can be intense.
- A desert. Where do we go from here? One party wants more, one unsure.
- Something happens that forces one of the parties hand (or both).
- It ends.
The reason why people have affairs isn't because they aren't respected at home. It's primeval. They want someone. Want the chase, the thrill.
The reason why they stay is because they were burnt or the pain was too much that it put them off forever.
Call me a cynic or wrong but been there. Done that.
Oral sex wasn't a guilt filled chore for either transgressor it was exciting and naughty fun.
For me. An affair goes through a life cycle;
- Flirt. Eye contact.
- Engage, talk, talk dirty, intimate messages in their hundreds.
- Sex. Alot of it. Anyone who says there isn't is in denial. Even in a short period it can be intense.
- A desert. Where do we go from here? One party wants more, one unsure.
- Something happens that forces one of the parties hand (or both).
- It ends.
The reason why people have affairs isn't because they aren't respected at home. It's primeval. They want someone. Want the chase, the thrill.
The reason why they stay is because they were burnt or the pain was too much that it put them off forever.
Call me a cynic or wrong but been there. Done that.
Robertj21a said:
I think that, to women at least, they will consider it an 'affair' once the other party arranges clandestine meetings, trips away, outings to film/theatre etc - and hides all knowledge of those meetings from the husband/partner. Although it's probably unusual, I guess that sex itself is not always necessary (for women).
I suppose so - I've never really bought the "no sex" angle, not that that helps the OP.Personally if you think you can move on and put it behind you then it's worth making the effort, but if you are the type to brood and hold a grudge it's probably best to move on whilst you still have some life left in you.
rovermorris999 said:
Personally speaking, the deceit and 'loving' the other guy would be more hurtful than a shag per se. Getting drunk at a works do and shagging someone, whilst bad enough, wouldn't be as painful as a year-long affair.
A year long affair is sexual. It's a series of sexual liasons with deceipt at every turn. It puts everyone's lives on hold. The flirting part is very short. Don't be naive trying to pair down the physical element with denial.Sa Calobra said:
A year long affair is sexual. It's a series of sexual liasons with deceipt at every turn. It puts everyone's lives on hold. The flirting part is very short. Don't be naive trying to pair down the physical element with denial.
If I understood the last sentence I'd respond!rovermorris999 said:
Sa Calobra said:
A year long affair is sexual. It's a series of sexual liasons with deceipt at every turn. It puts everyone's lives on hold. The flirting part is very short. Don't be naive trying to pair down the physical element with denial.
If I understood the last sentence I'd respond!Or something.
FocusRS3 said:
Henners said:
The process of making an existing hole larger.
I did actually google it in the end . We are talking here about the OP's wife not having a sexual relationship with this guy so it confused me a tad.
Maybe the comment was just in general.
tombar said:
Thank you so much for your genuinely helpful replies, one and all. I was looking for some perspective when all I could think was hurt and confusion, and it really helped.
She is genuinely remorseful and I think has been more or less honest with me about what happened - which as well as being painful to hear, was also helpful. I love her (always did - we've 26 years invested together and it has been a pretty good marriage) and she loves me. I slept on it (2 hours, but hey, it's a start) and decided that the only option I want is to forgive her. I just told her that. Forgiveness is a process I guess, but it feels a positive decision I can make. It feels better already.
I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.
It will take work and time but she's committed to that - at least that's what we talked about last night.
I'll let you know how we get on. Continued advice very much welcomed from those who've forgiven. Best of luck to the others on this thread.
Nows probably as good a time as any to suggest some back door action.....She is genuinely remorseful and I think has been more or less honest with me about what happened - which as well as being painful to hear, was also helpful. I love her (always did - we've 26 years invested together and it has been a pretty good marriage) and she loves me. I slept on it (2 hours, but hey, it's a start) and decided that the only option I want is to forgive her. I just told her that. Forgiveness is a process I guess, but it feels a positive decision I can make. It feels better already.
I'll need to watch 'being the victim' (I have a brooding personality!) and yes, I need to recognise that there was probably fault on all sides - it was a long time ago.
It will take work and time but she's committed to that - at least that's what we talked about last night.
I'll let you know how we get on. Continued advice very much welcomed from those who've forgiven. Best of luck to the others on this thread.
Sa Calobra said:
A year long affair is sexual. It's a series of sexual liasons with deceipt at every turn. It puts everyone's lives on hold. The flirting part is very short. Don't be naive trying to pair down the physical element with denial.
Yup a year spent flirting without any sex does seem an extraordinary length of time but you never know.My mates missus affair was about 6 months from start to finish. She fessed up when he caught her lying and then she admitted that she had suggested to her lover they leave their respective partners and crack on together but he told her he wasn't leaving his wife and kid. The fact she had gotten so into the guy to the point where she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him was the hard bit for my mate. That said it must have been a kick on the butt for her when he told her no interest !
As stated previously however , they are no solid and have been for the last 20yrs
FocusRS3 said:
Yup a year spent flirting without any sex does seem an extraordinary length of time but you never know.
My mates missus affair was about 6 months from start to finish. She fessed up when he caught her lying and then she admitted that she had suggested to her lover they leave their respective partners and crack on together but he told her he wasn't leaving his wife and kid. The fact she had gotten so into the guy to the point where she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him was the hard bit for my mate. That said it must have been a kick on the butt for her when he told her no interest !
As stated previously however , they are no solid and have been for the last 20yrs
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze. My mates missus affair was about 6 months from start to finish. She fessed up when he caught her lying and then she admitted that she had suggested to her lover they leave their respective partners and crack on together but he told her he wasn't leaving his wife and kid. The fact she had gotten so into the guy to the point where she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him was the hard bit for my mate. That said it must have been a kick on the butt for her when he told her no interest !
As stated previously however , they are no solid and have been for the last 20yrs
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