How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
Henners said:
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze.
It’s not about ‘second best’, (as described) there were good reasons why the marriage wasn’t working out and those reasons got fixed. She wanted out of a marriage that wasn’t working. The marriage (apparently) now is.
Henners said:
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze.
i forgot to mention she even had all the finances written down as to what she was going to offer him to fek off! She was also pretty brazen about the whole thing when the news broke. I remember being at her b'day party when she said "this time last year i was getting a good seeing to"!!!!
Not sure i could have come back from that but then she also held all the financial cards
Ari said:
Henners said:
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze.
It’s not about ‘second best’, (as described) there were good reasons why the marriage wasn’t working out and those reasons got fixed. She wanted out of a marriage that wasn’t working. The marriage (apparently) now is.
The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
Henners said:
It is when she comes back only after being denied by the other guy. Sounds like if he’d have said yes, she wouldn’t be seen for dust.
The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
That was pretty much the crux of it yes......The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
Henners said:
Ari said:
Henners said:
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze.
It’s not about ‘second best’, (as described) there were good reasons why the marriage wasn’t working out and those reasons got fixed. She wanted out of a marriage that wasn’t working. The marriage (apparently) now is.
The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
Henners said:
It is when she comes back only after being denied by the other guy. Sounds like if he’d have said yes, she wouldn’t be seen for dust.
The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
the old analogy to monkeys seems quite apt.The marriage only got a second chance because she got dumped and hubby was the next best option.
ETA: see the post above by Focus. Hubby is deffo second best.
tombar said:
This. Exactly why this is proving so hard. She admitted to loving him.
To be fair, just like my mate's wife, the feelings at the time may have been not love per se, but more of an infatuation at a time when the marriage wasn't working. The line between love and infatuation may be a fine one at times, and many people find it hard to differentiate at the time. That certainly was the case with my mate's wife and she did eventually recognise it for what it is. As it happens, at the height of their troubles, my mate also started having some feelings for someone else, someone a bit younger and fitter, and was desperate to get into her knickers. Luckily he didn't and after a few weeks, his lust subsided. If either his or his wife's feelings to others outside their marriage had been real love, I don't think they could've rescued things. Looking back at my own relationships, most of them were a combination of lust and infatuation rather than true love. The only one that is real love is what I feel for my wife. It is completely different to anything I have ever felt for anyone else. However, that's something I can only recognise with a very powerful retrospectoscope. If I had been asked at the time, I would've said that I loved my girlfriend at any one time, but I now realise that I didn't.
If your wife had truly loved this other person, you wouldn't be where you are today. She would either have gone off with him, or she would've kept quiet. The fact that she feels guilty for having had some feelings for someone else for a brief period, and she still feels remorseful means that the person she really loves and cares about is you. To me, the crux of the matter is that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't feel guilty. It really is that simple.
There's a huge difference between what happened in your marriage, which is similar to what happened in the marriage of my mate, and the situation described by FocusRS3. To be fair, that's far more reminiscent of how many men seem to behave after an affair. It's a reversal of the traditional male/female roles in a marriage, including the "breadwinner" role so to speak, which in itself is not a bad thing, but in that instance, it seems to have also reflected on to the traditional roles in infidelity where a man has an affair, almost leaves his wife, the affair collapses, man has no option but to stay married, the dutiful wife forgives him, the husband sometimes realises he was an idiot but sometimes he doesn't, their marriage improves if he does, it goes back to a loveless despair if he doesn't. That's obviously a generalisation and doesn't necessarily or fully apply in many affairs, but there are many where it does.
Having witnessed practically the same car crash of an affair as your wife's and spent many months reflecting upon it, from what you've said, your wife does truly love you and you have nothing to fear. This revelation may well cause months of emotional turbulence for you and your wife; I am not for one moment trying to minimise the impact on you or your feelings towards your wife and marriage. What I would say is that your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail, and you would be no less of a man to forgive. There certainly is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you if you want to walk towards it, or go back towards the darkness and find another exit. Different options will work for different people and different circumstances, and some will find a much brighter light at a different exit, others will never find one, and yet others will find light elsewhere but nowhere near as bright as the one they walked away from. Only you can make the decision to walk towards or away from the light you can see, and you may well go backwards and forwards over the next few weeks, months or even years. Just don't lose sight of that light till you've made a final decision.
Edited by QuickQuack on Saturday 17th March 23:33
tombar said:
Anyway, it all came out. She was in love with him - which is the bit that hurts so much. Affair lasted maybe a year. She says not sexual - I don't think I believe her.
That can all be forgiven, but for me the quid pro quo is a loved one being entirely truthful. Classifying a year long relationship with another man as an affair but with no sex doesn't sound credible. QuickQuack said:
Lots of stuff.
Very well put. Edited by QuickQuack on Saturday 17th March 23:33
She may well be denying the sexual aspect of the affair because she thinks it will hurt her husband which of course it will. I can only speak for myself but the deceit and the resultant destroying of trust would be the biggest thing for me. In this situation, based on what has been said here, I'd try to save the marriage. I'd also think back to see if there was anything in my behaviour back then that may have contributed to her being in the frame of mind that would contribute to something like this happening but that isn't easy at such a distance in time. Not that it really matters. What happened, happened. Better to spend the energy looking forward, not back. We all make mistakes.
rovermorris999 said:
Very well put.
She may well be denying the sexual aspect of the affair because she thinks it will hurt her husband which of course it will. I can only speak for myself but the deceit and the resultant destroying of trust would be the biggest thing for me. In this situation, based on what has been said here, I'd try to save the marriage. I'd also think back to see if there was anything in my behaviour back then that may have contributed to her being in the frame of mind that would contribute to something like this happening but that isn't easy at such a distance in time. Not that it really matters. What happened, happened. Better to spend the energy looking forward, not back. We all make mistakes.
Obviously we don’t know how Tombars relationship was with his wife back then. She may well be denying the sexual aspect of the affair because she thinks it will hurt her husband which of course it will. I can only speak for myself but the deceit and the resultant destroying of trust would be the biggest thing for me. In this situation, based on what has been said here, I'd try to save the marriage. I'd also think back to see if there was anything in my behaviour back then that may have contributed to her being in the frame of mind that would contribute to something like this happening but that isn't easy at such a distance in time. Not that it really matters. What happened, happened. Better to spend the energy looking forward, not back. We all make mistakes.
If he treated his wife anything like my friend did then it’s no wonder she found another man to lean on that then got deeper and he was only in it for the sex clearly .
I think if Tombar is in anyway to blame for his wife’s behaviour then that’ll be the easiest way for him to move on and accept it even if there is niggling doubt about the sexual part.
I’m not sure anyone can say what the answer is unless you’re in the position yourself and can weigh up all the factors , not to mention two grown kids. They I’m assuming have no knowledge of this and it may seriously affect them going forward if they felt the great marriage they always believed their parents had really wasn’t and start thinking of their mum being decietfull. They may then start to question other parts of the parenting .
Tombar, as I said no one can deal with this for you and you sound like you’ve already decided to move forward with your marriage .
If it’s to work it all has to stack up in your head and only you can make this happen.
I would definitely take a tiny step back from things rather than going it saying “don’t worry darling it’s all forgotten” . Get it straight in your mind , maybe take a little more time for you . Maybe your relationship with your wife becomes more platonic but your still love each other and remain together , maybe you move on from this happier and stronger . Only you can decide.
Obviously I wish you all the best
QuickQuack said:
To be fair, just like my mate's wife, the feelings at the time may have been not love per se, but more of an infatuation at a time when the marriage wasn't working. The line between love and infatuation may be a fine one at times, and many people find it hard to differentiate at the time. That certainly was the case with my mate's wife and she did eventually recognise it for what it is. As it happens, at the height of their troubles, my mate also started having some feelings for someone else, someone a bit younger and fitter, and was desperate to get into her knickers. Luckily he didn't and after a few weeks, his lust subsided. If either his or his wife's feelings to others outside their marriage had been real love, I don't think they could've rescued things.
Looking back at my own relationships, most of them were a combination of lust and infatuation rather than true love. The only one that is real love is what I feel for my wife. It is completely different to anything I have ever felt for anyone else. However, that's something I can only recognise with a very powerful retrospectoscope. If I had been asked at the time, I would've said that I loved my girlfriend at any one time, but I now realise that I didn't.
If your wife had truly loved this other person, you wouldn't be where you are today. She would either have gone off with him, or she would've kept quiet. The fact that she feels guilty for having had some feelings for someone else for a brief period, and she still feels remorseful means that the person she really loves and cares about is you. To me, the crux of the matter is that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't feel guilty. It really is that simple.
There's a huge difference between what happened in your marriage, which is similar to what happened in the marriage of my mate, and the situation described by FocusRS3. To be fair, that's far more reminiscent of how many men seem to behave after an affair. It's a reversal of the traditional male/female roles in a marriage, including the "breadwinner" role so to speak, which in itself is not a bad thing, but in that instance, it seems to have also reflected on to the traditional roles in infidelity where a man has an affair, almost leaves his wife, the affair collapses, man has no option but to stay married, the dutiful wife forgives him, the husband sometimes realises he was an idiot but sometimes he doesn't, their marriage improves if he does, it goes back to a loveless despair if he doesn't. That's obviously a generalisation and doesn't necessarily or fully apply in many affairs, but there are many where it does.
Having witnessed practically the same car crash of an affair as your wife's and spent many months reflecting upon it, from what you've said, your wife does truly love you and you have nothing to fear. This revelation may well cause months of emotional turbulence for you and your wife; I am not for one moment trying to minimise the impact on you or your feelings towards your wife and marriage. What I would say is that your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail, and you would be no less of a man to forgive. There certainly is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you if you want to walk towards it, or go back towards the darkness and find another exit. Different options will work for different people and different circumstances, and some will find a much brighter light at a different exit, others will never find one, and yet others will find light elsewhere but nowhere near as bright as the one they walked away from. Only you can make the decision to walk towards or away from the light you can see, and you may well go backwards and forwards over the next few weeks, months or even years. Just don't lose sight of that light till you've made a final decision.
Excellent stuff, well thought through. Full of common sense.Looking back at my own relationships, most of them were a combination of lust and infatuation rather than true love. The only one that is real love is what I feel for my wife. It is completely different to anything I have ever felt for anyone else. However, that's something I can only recognise with a very powerful retrospectoscope. If I had been asked at the time, I would've said that I loved my girlfriend at any one time, but I now realise that I didn't.
If your wife had truly loved this other person, you wouldn't be where you are today. She would either have gone off with him, or she would've kept quiet. The fact that she feels guilty for having had some feelings for someone else for a brief period, and she still feels remorseful means that the person she really loves and cares about is you. To me, the crux of the matter is that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't feel guilty. It really is that simple.
There's a huge difference between what happened in your marriage, which is similar to what happened in the marriage of my mate, and the situation described by FocusRS3. To be fair, that's far more reminiscent of how many men seem to behave after an affair. It's a reversal of the traditional male/female roles in a marriage, including the "breadwinner" role so to speak, which in itself is not a bad thing, but in that instance, it seems to have also reflected on to the traditional roles in infidelity where a man has an affair, almost leaves his wife, the affair collapses, man has no option but to stay married, the dutiful wife forgives him, the husband sometimes realises he was an idiot but sometimes he doesn't, their marriage improves if he does, it goes back to a loveless despair if he doesn't. That's obviously a generalisation and doesn't necessarily or fully apply in many affairs, but there are many where it does.
Having witnessed practically the same car crash of an affair as your wife's and spent many months reflecting upon it, from what you've said, your wife does truly love you and you have nothing to fear. This revelation may well cause months of emotional turbulence for you and your wife; I am not for one moment trying to minimise the impact on you or your feelings towards your wife and marriage. What I would say is that your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail, and you would be no less of a man to forgive. There certainly is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you if you want to walk towards it, or go back towards the darkness and find another exit. Different options will work for different people and different circumstances, and some will find a much brighter light at a different exit, others will never find one, and yet others will find light elsewhere but nowhere near as bright as the one they walked away from. Only you can make the decision to walk towards or away from the light you can see, and you may well go backwards and forwards over the next few weeks, months or even years. Just don't lose sight of that light till you've made a final decision.
Edited by QuickQuack on Saturday 17th March 23:33
.
Ari said:
Henners said:
Must be hard for him, being forever second best to her! Jeeze.
It’s not about ‘second best’, (as described) there were good reasons why the marriage wasn’t working out and those reasons got fixed. She wanted out of a marriage that wasn’t working. The marriage (apparently) now is.
Waiting for another branch to grab shows a lack of character surely?
QuickQuack said:
To be fair, just like my mate's wife, the feelings at the time may have been not love per se, but more of an infatuation at a time when the marriage wasn't working. The line between love and infatuation may be a fine one at times, and many people find it hard to differentiate at the time. That certainly was the case with my mate's wife and she did eventually recognise it for what it is. As it happens, at the height of their troubles, my mate also started having some feelings for someone else, someone a bit younger and fitter, and was desperate to get into her knickers. Luckily he didn't and after a few weeks, his lust subsided. If either his or his wife's feelings to others outside their marriage had been real love, I don't think they could've rescued things.
Looking back at my own relationships, most of them were a combination of lust and infatuation rather than true love. The only one that is real love is what I feel for my wife. It is completely different to anything I have ever felt for anyone else. However, that's something I can only recognise with a very powerful retrospectoscope. If I had been asked at the time, I would've said that I loved my girlfriend at any one time, but I now realise that I didn't.
If your wife had truly loved this other person, you wouldn't be where you are today. She would either have gone off with him, or she would've kept quiet. The fact that she feels guilty for having had some feelings for someone else for a brief period, and she still feels remorseful means that the person she really loves and cares about is you. To me, the crux of the matter is that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't feel guilty. It really is that simple.
There's a huge difference between what happened in your marriage, which is similar to what happened in the marriage of my mate, and the situation described by FocusRS3. To be fair, that's far more reminiscent of how many men seem to behave after an affair. It's a reversal of the traditional male/female roles in a marriage, including the "breadwinner" role so to speak, which in itself is not a bad thing, but in that instance, it seems to have also reflected on to the traditional roles in infidelity where a man has an affair, almost leaves his wife, the affair collapses, man has no option but to stay married, the dutiful wife forgives him, the husband sometimes realises he was an idiot but sometimes he doesn't, their marriage improves if he does, it goes back to a loveless despair if he doesn't. That's obviously a generalisation and doesn't necessarily or fully apply in many affairs, but there are many where it does.
Having witnessed practically the same car crash of an affair as your wife's and spent many months reflecting upon it, from what you've said, your wife does truly love you and you have nothing to fear. This revelation may well cause months of emotional turbulence for you and your wife; I am not for one moment trying to minimise the impact on you or your feelings towards your wife and marriage. What I would say is that your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail, and you would be no less of a man to forgive. There certainly is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you if you want to walk towards it, or go back towards the darkness and find another exit. Different options will work for different people and different circumstances, and some will find a much brighter light at a different exit, others will never find one, and yet others will find light elsewhere but nowhere near as bright as the one they walked away from. Only you can make the decision to walk towards or away from the light you can see, and you may well go backwards and forwards over the next few weeks, months or even years. Just don't lose sight of that light till you've made a final decision.
Thank you so much for your time, wisdom and care in writing this. It is exactly right. We need to work towards the light. Looking back at my own relationships, most of them were a combination of lust and infatuation rather than true love. The only one that is real love is what I feel for my wife. It is completely different to anything I have ever felt for anyone else. However, that's something I can only recognise with a very powerful retrospectoscope. If I had been asked at the time, I would've said that I loved my girlfriend at any one time, but I now realise that I didn't.
If your wife had truly loved this other person, you wouldn't be where you are today. She would either have gone off with him, or she would've kept quiet. The fact that she feels guilty for having had some feelings for someone else for a brief period, and she still feels remorseful means that the person she really loves and cares about is you. To me, the crux of the matter is that if she didn't love you, she wouldn't feel guilty. It really is that simple.
There's a huge difference between what happened in your marriage, which is similar to what happened in the marriage of my mate, and the situation described by FocusRS3. To be fair, that's far more reminiscent of how many men seem to behave after an affair. It's a reversal of the traditional male/female roles in a marriage, including the "breadwinner" role so to speak, which in itself is not a bad thing, but in that instance, it seems to have also reflected on to the traditional roles in infidelity where a man has an affair, almost leaves his wife, the affair collapses, man has no option but to stay married, the dutiful wife forgives him, the husband sometimes realises he was an idiot but sometimes he doesn't, their marriage improves if he does, it goes back to a loveless despair if he doesn't. That's obviously a generalisation and doesn't necessarily or fully apply in many affairs, but there are many where it does.
Having witnessed practically the same car crash of an affair as your wife's and spent many months reflecting upon it, from what you've said, your wife does truly love you and you have nothing to fear. This revelation may well cause months of emotional turbulence for you and your wife; I am not for one moment trying to minimise the impact on you or your feelings towards your wife and marriage. What I would say is that your marriage isn't automatically doomed to fail, and you would be no less of a man to forgive. There certainly is a very bright light at the end of the tunnel but it's up to you if you want to walk towards it, or go back towards the darkness and find another exit. Different options will work for different people and different circumstances, and some will find a much brighter light at a different exit, others will never find one, and yet others will find light elsewhere but nowhere near as bright as the one they walked away from. Only you can make the decision to walk towards or away from the light you can see, and you may well go backwards and forwards over the next few weeks, months or even years. Just don't lose sight of that light till you've made a final decision.
Edited by QuickQuack on Saturday 17th March 23:33
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