How Solid Really is Your Marriage
Discussion
Symptomless Coma said:
tombar said:
Thank you so much for your time, wisdom and care in writing this. It is exactly right. We need to work towards the light.
I hope it works out for you, good luck!And also, if you ever wanted to ride a motorbike solo across the USA, or sail around the UK, or, or, or....
...now's the perfect time to do it!
Tell her you need a bit of space, but reassure her you ARE coming home, and then go and have some fun on your own terms.
SpeckledJim said:
And me. Good luck, I think you're doing the right thing.
And also, if you ever wanted to ride a motorbike solo across the USA, or sail around the UK, or, or, or....
...now's the perfect time to do it!
Tell her you need a bit of space, but reassure her you ARE coming home, and then go and have some fun on your own terms.
Good point Jim!! Perhaps snorkelling what's left of the Great Barrier Reef. Funny thing is I don't want space at the moment - in fact it doesn't do me any good. I'm happier with her company. I was at work today and it is fair to say it is a roller coaster of emotions - anger to near tears to feeling ill to brooding to being very calm and rational. I'm determinedly not sharing this with friends or colleagues - too close to the heart. I guess I have to roll with the punches and keep moving forward around forgiveness. Will get there.And also, if you ever wanted to ride a motorbike solo across the USA, or sail around the UK, or, or, or....
...now's the perfect time to do it!
Tell her you need a bit of space, but reassure her you ARE coming home, and then go and have some fun on your own terms.
tombar said:
Good point Jim!! Perhaps snorkelling what's left of the Great Barrier Reef. Funny thing is I don't want space at the moment - in fact it doesn't do me any good. I'm happier with her company. I was at work today and it is fair to say it is a roller coaster of emotions - anger to near tears to feeling ill to brooding to being very calm and rational. I'm determinedly not sharing this with friends or colleagues - too close to the heart. I guess I have to roll with the punches and keep moving forward around forgiveness. Will get there.
Is there not even one really close friend that you could confide in ?. It might help quite a bit - you know, a problem shared etc.TwigtheWonderkid said:
Robertj21a said:
you know, a problem shared etc.
Is a problem doubled, in my experience. Don't isolate yourself from friends/family this can and will lead to issues further down the line, good luck.
Anyone who believes that it was non physical and she loved him need their heads checking. It's called denial. Men wouldn't enter into this sort of emotional connection rubbish. It'd move Swiftly to physical. Ontop of this it reduces grown women down to what men would like to think of women as.
tombar said:
Good point Jim!! Perhaps snorkelling what's left of the Great Barrier Reef. Funny thing is I don't want space at the moment - in fact it doesn't do me any good. I'm happier with her company. I was at work today and it is fair to say it is a roller coaster of emotions - anger to near tears to feeling ill to brooding to being very calm and rational. I'm determinedly not sharing this with friends or colleagues - too close to the heart. I guess I have to roll with the punches and keep moving forward around forgiveness. Will get there.
Please, please, please share what is happening with your line manager. You may not see it but your work is already likely suffering. Last thing you need is more problems on top of existing. They will be understanding and help to give you breathing room if you need it. duffy78 said:
Please, please, please share what is happening with your line manager. You may not see it but your work is already likely suffering. Last thing you need is more problems on top of existing. They will be understanding and help to give you breathing room if you need it.
Not sure that's very good advice. Too many line managers will not have appropriate skills to handle such matters, may not be totally trustworthy, or simply lack much empathy. It just needs to be someone highly reliable, who can keep confidences.Sadly, line manager isn't trustworthy and I wouldn't mention it to her in a million years. I get on well with her boss and I might mention to him if things stay difficult. I've one of those transparent faces!! And I work with my wife too - we have a business together which does really great work with people who need our help.
Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).
I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.
Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).
I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.
tombar said:
I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
Not very mature, but if my OH had had an affair and in the (very unlikely 0.00000001%) event that we were going to work things out, the least I would do is bang a girl or two just for the sake of it.As a guy, there is always temptation on offer to stray, and I would feel aggrieved at the prior opportunities not taken up
But as I say, probably not the 'mature thing' to do, just what I would do, thinking hypothetically anyway.
Edited by hyphen on Tuesday 20th March 11:47
hyphen said:
Not very mature, but if my OH had had an affair and we were going to work things out, the least I would do is bang a girl or two just for the sake of it.
As a guy, there is always temptation on offer to stray, and I would feel aggrieved at the prior opportunities not taken up
But as I say, probably not the 'mature thing' to do, just what I would do, thinking hypothetically anyway.
Correct! Not the right response. But I'm sure meant in jest...(I hope)... As a guy, there is always temptation on offer to stray, and I would feel aggrieved at the prior opportunities not taken up
But as I say, probably not the 'mature thing' to do, just what I would do, thinking hypothetically anyway.
tombar said:
Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).
I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.
With that attitude you will both be fine. I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.
See one of my earlier posts..... been there done it got the teeshirt
hyphen said:
tombar said:
I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.
Not very mature, but if my OH had had an affair and we were going to work things out, the least I would do is bang a girl or two just for the sake of it.As a guy, there is always temptation on offer to stray, and I would feel aggrieved at the prior opportunities not taken up
But as I say, probably not the 'mature thing' to do, just what I would do, thinking hypothetically anyway.
t to the other....
Robertj21a said:
Not sure that's very good advice. Too many line managers will not have appropriate skills to handle such matters, may not be totally trustworthy, or simply lack much empathy. It just needs to be someone highly reliable, who can keep confidences.
they dont have to give him any counselling ffs, just so that they know the reason behind any performance slips such that allowances can be made.Last thing the guy needs is work pressure on top of home pressure.
The advice stands.
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