How Solid Really is Your Marriage

[singlecoil]

GT03ROB said:

singlecoil said:

It's just one way of coming to terms with situation described. If one party has been having extra-mural bonkies, then the other party doing likewise puts things back in balance.

Relationships are competitions to see who can be the biggest st to the other....

I should have made myself even clearer...

The first party to stray doesn't need to know, it's a way of making the wronged party feel alright about themselves.

[Alltrack]

tombar said:

Sadly, line manager isn't trustworthy and I wouldn't mention it to her in a million years. I get on well with her boss and I might mention to him if things stay difficult. I've one of those transparent faces!! And I work with my wife too - we have a business together which does really great work with people who need our help.

Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).

I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.

I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.

You need to realise that the affair was not your fault. Nobody forced her to have it.
There may have been issues in your marriage but they could have been resolved in a dignified and honest way.
She had the affair because she wanted to, not because of you.

Going forward you need to set some explicit boundaries in your relationship. If they are crossed...

[Ari]

singlecoil said:

GT03ROB said:

singlecoil said:

It's just one way of coming to terms with situation described. If one party has been having extra-mural bonkies, then the other party doing likewise puts things back in balance.

Relationships are competitions to see who can be the biggest st to the other....

I should have made myself even clearer...

The first party to stray doesn't need to know, it's a way of making the wronged party feel alright about themselves.

So how does the wronged person go about that? Pay for sex? Lie (to his spouse) and then use someone else by creating and then ending a sexual relationship just to get back at the spouse? Try and find a slapper prepared to put out for a quick one night knee trembler and hope he doesn't catch anything nasty?

You have very different ideas about what makes you 'feel alright about yourself' then I do...

[Robertj21a]

tombar said:

Sadly, line manager isn't trustworthy and I wouldn't mention it to her in a million years. I get on well with her boss and I might mention to him if things stay difficult. I've one of those transparent faces!! And I work with my wife too - we have a business together which does really great work with people who need our help.

Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).

I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.

I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.

Personally, I reckon you're doing really well. There's some quite odd 'advice' on this thread but it seems that you are way ahead of all that already. I know others on here will disagree (!), but any chance of you both going off on a really nice holiday ?

[singlecoil]

Ari said:

singlecoil said:

GT03ROB said:

singlecoil said:

It's just one way of coming to terms with situation described. If one party has been having extra-mural bonkies, then the other party doing likewise puts things back in balance.

Relationships are competitions to see who can be the biggest st to the other....

I should have made myself even clearer...

The first party to stray doesn't need to know, it's a way of making the wronged party feel alright about themselves.

So how does the wronged person go about that? Pay for sex? Lie (to his spouse) and then use someone else by creating and then ending a sexual relationship just to get back at the spouse? Try and find a slapper prepared to put out for a quick one night knee trembler and hope he doesn't catch anything nasty?

You have very different ideas about what makes you 'feel alright about yourself' then I do...

If you look back to what I first said (in the nested quotes) "It's just one way of coming to terms " then you will see that it's one way. It hopefully isn't the only way but it's one way. It may even be that thinking about it and planning to do it should the opportunity arise will be enough.

One thing is for sure and that is that anybody in that situation is going to have to find a way to come to terms with it or else extract themselves from the situation entirely.

[hyphen]

singlecoil said:

Ari said:

singlecoil said:

GT03ROB said:

singlecoil said:

It's just one way of coming to terms with situation described. If one party has been having extra-mural bonkies, then the other party doing likewise puts things back in balance.

Relationships are competitions to see who can be the biggest st to the other....

I should have made myself even clearer...

The first party to stray doesn't need to know, it's a way of making the wronged party feel alright about themselves.

So how does the wronged person go about that? Pay for sex? Lie (to his spouse) and then use someone else by creating and then ending a sexual relationship just to get back at the spouse? Try and find a slapper prepared to put out for a quick one night knee trembler and hope he doesn't catch anything nasty?

You have very different ideas about what makes you 'feel alright about yourself' then I do...

If you look back to what I first said (in the nested quotes) "It's just one way of coming to terms " then you will see that it's one way. It hopefully isn't the only way but it's one way. It may even be that thinking about it and planning to do it should the opportunity arise will be enough.

One thing is for sure and that is that anybody in that situation is going to have to find a way to come to terms with it or else extract themselves from the situation entirely.

[GT03ROB]

singlecoil said:

If you look back to what I first said (in the nested quotes) "It's just one way of coming to terms " then you will see that it's one way. It hopefully isn't the only way but it's one way. It may even be that thinking about it and planning to do it should the opportunity arise will be enough.

One thing is for sure and that is that anybody in that situation is going to have to find a way to come to terms with it or else extract themselves from the situation entirely.

Fair point but I would argue that if thats the way, the relationship is dead anyhow. Just my 2p worth.

[FocusRS3]

Tombar , you have already in a way accepted it and you seem keen to move on and good for you .

Better now to embrace things IMO and get on with enjoying the rest of your life and marriage .
You have explained that your wife is remorseful, loves you and wants to move forward .

Bottom line is you love her , want to continue being married , as does she and there isn’t the complication of this so called ‘affair’ that can ever come back .

You also have two lovely boys , what’s the point in turning their lives upside down now ?

Yes you may always question why and fair enough but then maybe back 10yrs you may not have been the husband you should have been, who knows . Frankly it’s too late anyway .

[Kewy]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

This over and over again. When there are children involved, then they become priority no matter what.

Just a brief background, but I have a 10 year old daughter who has been living with my and my o/h for a good few years now. Me and her mum split up when she was less than 2 years old, I was prevented from seeing her for a year, she was moved up country 3 hours away and I spent a couple of years driving up there and back twice every weekend or other weekend. It's been a long bumpy road, but most importantly, I have never said a bad word about her mum to my daughter, and never will.

Mirroring what others of said, and not aimed at anyone's situation on here specifically – document, everything. That doesn't just mean the bad st. Document the good events "mum arrived on time for collection today", "had a constructive chat about the future arrangements" blah blah – it's important that you also document the good bits to show non-bias.

Also, prepare to be the most patient, reserved version of yourself you will ever have to be. There will be times that you see red and and want to shout and rage or write a long text of abuse. But needless to say this won't do you any favours. I used to make sure I waited 24 hours before replying to messages sometimes just so it gave me time to see things clearer. Always thinking about the contact with my daughter and her wellbeing.

Symptomless Coma said:

They’re with me currently, then it’s 50:50 when she buys a house.

I’m pushing to get everything sorted asap, she was dragging her feet but now interest rates are looking to go up she wants it sorted quickly too.
She is now restricted because I have to close out our joint mortgage before she can even start.

I just don’t have the time for the gym, looking after two young children and a full time job doesn’t leave much ‘free’ time.

Maybe grab yourself some weights or try some body weight stuff at home? It's amazing how much better some exercise can make you feel, get the endorphins flowing and let off some steam at the same time.

You've started off on the upper foot with regards to custody of the kids, she walked out and by the sounds of it hasn't been very consistent or punctual since then. So make sure you stay on that upper foot. If you're willing to arrange 50:50 custody then so be it, but get it all officially in a court order. Personally I would suggest that they reside with yourself, but you make that available for contact with mum on X Y and Z days, that way you've always got a fallback.

[FocusRS3]

tombar said:

Sadly, line manager isn't trustworthy and I wouldn't mention it to her in a million years. I get on well with her boss and I might mention to him if things stay difficult. I've one of those transparent faces!! And I work with my wife too - we have a business together which does really great work with people who need our help.

Things will no doubt be semi-rubbish for a while but I'm lucky in that i) she chose to stay 9 years ago, ii) we love each other still iii) I can understand some of the reasons for what happened in retrospect and we have agreed to learn from them, and iv) I'm not letting a corpse win (!).

I just need to train my mind to look forward together and not obsess on the past. It may be understandable but it isn't helpful.

I'm immensely grateful for the help from this forum.

Tombar, how are you coping with things?

[tombar]

Thanks for asking. Not well if honest. I know the sensible path forward but I can't get the images of them together out of my mind - an amazingly painful process. I just wonder if this is always going to be there (clearly it is) and whether I can get over, under or around it to move forward. Have just decided counseling might be a good idea. She has too - she's going though a lot of other rough and stressful stuff with dementia of mum and aunt and unresolved bereavement issues of her best friend who died 11 years ago today.
She's the absolute love of my life, my family mean everything to me, and I can't get the feeling or or my head that is all spoiled.
Sorry for downer! I know it's a grief curve and it will move forward. I also know I can't change the past but been the future. I want to rescue my marriage so very much. (I'm also mentally tired, have thoughtt of nothing else for a week and am probably going nuts)

[Robertj21a]

tombar said:

Thanks for asking. Not well if honest. I know the sensible path forward but I can't get the images of them together out of my mind - an amazingly painful process. I just wonder if this is always going to be there (clearly it is) and whether I can get over, under or around it to move forward. Have just decided counseling might be a good idea. She has too - she's going though a lot of other rough and stressful stuff with dementia of mum and aunt and unresolved bereavement issues of her best friend who died 11 years ago today.
She's the absolute love of my life, my family mean everything to me, and I can't get the feeling or or my head that is all spoiled.
Sorry for downer! I know it's a grief curve and it will move forward. I also know I can't change the past but been the future. I want to rescue my marriage so very much. (I'm also mentally tired, have thoughtt of nothing else for a week and am probably going nuts)

So sorry to hear that. Always so much more difficult when other, unrelated, issues have to also be considered.

All most of us can probably add is that it should definitely improve with the passage of time. At least it seems that both your wife and yourself are committed to making the effort - that's much more than most similar situations.

Best wishes to you both - you know we're always here if you want a rant about anything, or to just get stuff off your chest.

[rovermorris999]

A very hackneyed piece of advice but time is a healer. It will never be quite the same again but you need to stick it in a mental box and put it away, never to be looked at again. Easy to say, hard to do. But do-able. Look forward, think positive. Your wife also needs your support with the stresses in her life. Your support will help to confirm to her that she made the right choice back then.

[Fckitdriveon]

rovermorris999 said:

A very hackneyed piece of advice but time is a healer. It will never be quite the same again but you need to stick it in a mental box and put it away, never to be looked at again. Easy to say, hard to do. But do-able. Look forward, think positive. Your wife also needs your support with the stresses in her life. Your support will help to confirm to her that she made the right choice back then.

What an terrible piece of advice .

The correct advice is , constructively work through the process of emotions attached to the news you’ve been given and truly come to terms with it, that may involve some tough moments especially when looking at your role in the situation , however you should be able to end up at peace with it.

Your wife needs to undertake a similar journey herself and visit the unpleasant places that are cause of her current emotional pain, that will involve couples Councilling but probably also individual therapy sessions.

Attempting to cheat that process by locking it away as above will end you up with repressed feelings and all sorts of unresolved issues. It doesn’t take a genius to guess where that path takes you.

Couples counselling should give you both the platform to probe your relationship and work through these issues, willingness from both parties is all that’s required , you’re halfway there already without realising it.

Best of luck !

Edited by Fckitdriveon on Sunday 25th March 03:52

[rovermorris999]

Fckitdriveon said:

What an terrible piece of advice .

Edited by Fckitdriveon on Sunday 25th March 03:52

IYHO.
IMHO, it was ten years ago, the other guy is dead, the wife recognises she made a mistake and wants to keep together. It's not as if she was a serial adultress. She made a mistake. Move on and stop picking the scab.

Edited by rovermorris999 on Sunday 25th March 07:01

[Bobberoo99]

Funnily enough you're both right, counselling will definitely help you both come to terms with the past and current issues, however once you reach that point then you open up a mental file, put it in there, shut it and lock.it!! The very fact that tombar is on here talking about it shows he's seeking help and reassurance, there are a lot of mixed views about how to deal with what he feels, unfortunately with this stuff one size doesn't fit all, it's all about how the individual copes, my advice FWIW seek counselling both together and individually, keep talking because communication is EVERYTHING and try to support each other as much as possible, it will bring you closer together. Good luck everybody!!

[rovermorris999]

Bobberoo99 said:

Funnily enough you're both right, counselling will definitely help you both come to terms with the past and current issues, however once you reach that point then you open up a mental file, put it in there, shut it and lock.it!! The very fact that tombar is on here talking about it shows he's seeking help and reassurance, there are a lot of mixed views about how to deal with what he feels, unfortunately with this stuff one size doesn't fit all, it's all about how the individual copes, my advice FWIW seek counselling both together and individually, keep talking because communication is EVERYTHING and try to support each other as much as possible, it will bring you closer together. Good luck everybody!!

Absolutely. Personally counselling isn't for me but may well be for someone else. Ten years is a long time, there were young children then with the potential stresses that can bring; situations and people change and mature. Of course learn any lessons but don't over-analyse, it only hurts when you think about it. A bit like the old Tommy Cooper gag; chap goes into the doctor, puts his arm over his head and says 'Doctor, it hurts when I do this'. Doctor says 'don't do it then'.
Ultimately, it's what is right for you.

[FocusRS3]

tombar said:

Thanks for asking. Not well if honest. I know the sensible path forward but I can't get the images of them together out of my mind - an amazingly painful process. I just wonder if this is always going to be there (clearly it is) and whether I can get over, under or around it to move forward. Have just decided counseling might be a good idea. She has too - she's going though a lot of other rough and stressful stuff with dementia of mum and aunt and unresolved bereavement issues of her best friend who died 11 years ago today.
She's the absolute love of my life, my family mean everything to me, and I can't get the feeling or or my head that is all spoiled.
Sorry for downer! I know it's a grief curve and it will move forward. I also know I can't change the past but been the future. I want to rescue my marriage so very much. (I'm also mentally tired, have thoughtt of nothing else for a week and am probably going nuts)

I figured as much hence me asking .
Without question seeing a councillor is a good idea as it will help to break it down and in some ways maybe understand it.
It may also be an idea for you to have individual time with the councillor.

Take some time for yourself especially as you work together so it may be that you feel suffocated by her in some ways .

You will move on from this I’m sure but it’s going to take time . You’ll never forget it but you’ll learn how to deal with it. The councillor is an important part here

All the best

[tombar]

Thanks everyone. I think a big problem is that she's she's had 9 years to move on and get used to this. Although I was very suspicious at the time, I'd put the whole thing to the back of my mind, so I'm processing this in the present.
I think both bits are important, the attitude of not brooding on it, moving forward, but acknowledging that we have different things we need to work through, mine is obvious, hers is guilt, mixed with (unrelated) family/ dementia stress and (I think) bereavement around her friend and probably for him too, if honest.
We are talking, always did, always will but I deliberately didn't bring it up last night, we just had a 'normal' night in with a bottle of wine, felt a lot better. But you wake up in the morning with a kick in the guts.... If only she hadn't loved him, even so many years ago....
So, individual counselling for now and see how we get on.

[rovermorris999]

Good luck Tombar. It'll work out because you are both moving in the same direction with the same goal.