End of tether with our son
Discussion
Pothole said:
croyde said:
Thanks people for listening and writing all sorts of good ideas and advice.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
Not a personal attack but what the fMany I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
k is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.He likely also needs to know that this integrity is a bit misplaced, and whatever someone's doing to him, they might also be doing to other people.
It may help to ask him what he thinks the answer is and any option can be an option. Obviously some arent going to happen, but you could suggest everything from 'just let it carry on' to 'I'm moving schools' to 'I'm going to ram that kids head up his own arse'
Talking about it never hurt as much as a whack
croyde said:
This happened in his last school. Bullied badly for his first 2 years of secondary. School were ineffective in dealing with it despite us going in many times.
In the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
If the school won't deal with it you can try involving Cafcass. In my experience the school sIn the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
t themselves once Cafcass became involved and it became a lot easier to deal with the school. andy-xr said:
Pothole said:
croyde said:
He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
"I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little 'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system.He likely also needs to know that this integrity is a bit misplaced, and whatever someone's doing to him, they might also be doing to other people.
When I was in the first year at secondary school I had mates in year 11 who had a reputation for being tough and as a result I missed out on a lot of bullying because the bullies respected the fact I was genuinely mates with people who could/would wipe the floor with them.
It seems to me he needs to be cultivating the respect of his peers, not losing it even further by being a tattle-tale. Not snitching is a good way to build up respect but that needs to be coupled with knowing how to handle yourself (not necessarily in a violent way) and not taking any s
t from anyone, whilst paying his parents and teachers full respect. Obviously what someone said earlier about him playing up at home being 'safer' than at school was bang on. HE needs to realise that the little oiks who are victimising him should be the ones getting their stuff mashed up and fearing for their safety, and not his mum who presumably loves him very much despite his current bad behaviour. Edited by vsonix on Tuesday 23 January 15:23
Pothole said:
Not a personal attack but what the fk is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.
What do you mean "these days"? It was like that when I was a lad, I'm 40 now. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but to go off on the tired old "what's wrong with kids these days" tirade on that score is wide of the mark.k is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.@OP - that's good news, some positive progress, hope that continues.
8bit said:
Pothole said:
Not a personal attack but what the fk is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.
What do you mean "these days"? It was like that when I was a lad, I'm 40 now. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but to go off on the tired old "what's wrong with kids these days" tirade on that score is wide of the mark.k is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.@OP - that's good news, some positive progress, hope that continues.
OP, regardless of what you think of "no snitching" or any other opin ions your son has, try to respect them, he's in a bad enough place with further pressure.
My Daughter was bullied for a period and also didn't want to be a snitch. We told her we accepted that but still needed to solve the current issue. After some discussions and meeting with a (very helpful) school we managed to stop the bullying without her becoming a snitch. (this is very important for kids)
Some things are important for kids and us adults can't see the point. However we still need to see their point and try to be sympathetic to it otherwise they'll never come to us and ask for help.
My Daughter was bullied for a period and also didn't want to be a snitch. We told her we accepted that but still needed to solve the current issue. After some discussions and meeting with a (very helpful) school we managed to stop the bullying without her becoming a snitch. (this is very important for kids)
Some things are important for kids and us adults can't see the point. However we still need to see their point and try to be sympathetic to it otherwise they'll never come to us and ask for help.
This may seem all Chuck Norriss, but it shouldn't be. I had a chap i know, not really a mate, he was a guy who did some work on the house and confided in me about a similar problem with his similar aged son, allthough his issues were drugs and dealing weed. But cops involved, Court, stepson etc. Anyway, this tactic did pretty much work, although now he is in his late 20s and moved out and is a dick again!
Anyway, I think you go see him, take him out for a burger and ask him, outright, "one chance" to tell you what is going on, is it drugs, is it bullying, is it a girl? Tell him your are serious, you all think he is fking up his life royally, and he has one chance there and then to tell his dad WTF is going on, and why he has become such an obnoxious tt, quite frankly, and you will help him. If he doesnt, or tells you to fk off, or goes into a tantrum, next time you have a chance, to see your ex, arrange to go around and smash the living st out of his PS4, all his ancilliaries and take all the over 15 games off him and burn them. destroy any o
Leave him a note and tell him to stop wasting his fking life like an enormous baby, playing pointless games with fat fks called bubba from Texas, cut all the wires to the router, drop his phone in the loo, and tell him to stop being a cxxt. Tell him to come to speak to you if he doesn't like it, like a man, not a baby and if he breaks anything in his mums house, you will charge him three times the price to replace it. . .
Obsessive and competitive on computer games are for wkers and flids, and he is wasting his life on them. He is already a drain on his family, at every level, he should be ashamed of himself as to how he has wasted his life so far, and he is destined to be a total drain on society unless he snaps the fk out of it and starts living in the real world. He is 15, but he is not a child, he is a young adult and should behave as such. He should have more important stuff to do than sitting til 3am in his fantasy world, playing like a little girl. Tell him he choses to exists as a "child" and until he stops, you will treat him like it. Tell him what you were doing as a 15 year old, I was building racing cars, racing motorbikes, riding and doing tricks my BMXs, playing footy, rugby, tennis etc and I bet you were doing something more productive that tour of wky duty.
Tell your ex's new fella he has your permission to smack the little tt next time he kicks off and breaks anything in the house, as well as cutting a hole in all his favourite clothes, if he has any, ie destroy his gear if he choses to destroy your missus'.
You may think this harsh, but you need to be tough and ruthless. If you don't, once he is 16 he will drop out of school and at 18 he is an adult and you can do fk all about it apart from look at him and think what a he has become.
Be fking harsh on him if he ignores your one chance to tell you WTF is wrong with him. If you are lucky, he will thank you one day. And if it doesn't work, at least you had a crack at it. If you don't act quick and tough, he has no chance.
Anyway, I think you go see him, take him out for a burger and ask him, outright, "one chance" to tell you what is going on, is it drugs, is it bullying, is it a girl? Tell him your are serious, you all think he is f
king up his life royally, and he has one chance there and then to tell his dad WTF is going on, and why he has become such an obnoxious tt, quite frankly, and you will help him. If he doesnt, or tells you to fk off, or goes into a tantrum, next time you have a chance, to see your ex, arrange to go around and smash the living st out of his PS4, all his ancilliaries and take all the over 15 games off him and burn them. destroy any o Leave him a note and tell him to stop wasting his f
king life like an enormous baby, playing pointless games with fat fks called bubba from Texas, cut all the wires to the router, drop his phone in the loo, and tell him to stop being a cxxt. Tell him to come to speak to you if he doesn't like it, like a man, not a baby and if he breaks anything in his mums house, you will charge him three times the price to replace it. . . Obsessive and competitive on computer games are for w
kers and flids, and he is wasting his life on them. He is already a drain on his family, at every level, he should be ashamed of himself as to how he has wasted his life so far, and he is destined to be a total drain on society unless he snaps the fk out of it and starts living in the real world. He is 15, but he is not a child, he is a young adult and should behave as such. He should have more important stuff to do than sitting til 3am in his fantasy world, playing like a little girl. Tell him he choses to exists as a "child" and until he stops, you will treat him like it. Tell him what you were doing as a 15 year old, I was building racing cars, racing motorbikes, riding and doing tricks my BMXs, playing footy, rugby, tennis etc and I bet you were doing something more productive that tour of wky duty. Tell your ex's new fella he has your permission to smack the little t
t next time he kicks off and breaks anything in the house, as well as cutting a hole in all his favourite clothes, if he has any, ie destroy his gear if he choses to destroy your missus'.You may think this harsh, but you need to be tough and ruthless. If you don't, once he is 16 he will drop out of school and at 18 he is an adult and you can do f
k all about it apart from look at him and think what a he has become. Be f
king harsh on him if he ignores your one chance to tell you WTF is wrong with him. If you are lucky, he will thank you one day. And if it doesn't work, at least you had a crack at it. If you don't act quick and tough, he has no chance.So to summaries he is being bullied his mum is very ill his parents are separated an he is 15. Seems fairly logical he is acting up.
Re the bullies that st has to stop talk to the school an other parents find out if its just face to face or via social media also. End of day a crash course in bare knuckle fighting is probably not an option but the school can help an should. Also obviouse but tell him what happened to most of the "hard" "tough" "popular" bullies you were at school with. Most i know of 5 years later we basically useless s even the so called cool kids who were not really bad but just self important 10 years later I bumped into a few of them still eating in same place we used to go for a fry up.sat mornings after night out on the cider.....they had not moved on at all beyond knowing the cafe owner by his first name....
The smashing up stuff not going to school again see above do you want to have a home travel nice car bike etc or live in the st part of town with your looser mates driving your st car from motopoint.
The divorce an his mum being ill ask him how he feels about it explain the reality is life can suck but its never wose to make it worse for yourself.
best of luck OP
Re the bullies that s
t has to stop talk to the school an other parents find out if its just face to face or via social media also. End of day a crash course in bare knuckle fighting is probably not an option but the school can help an should. Also obviouse but tell him what happened to most of the "hard" "tough" "popular" bullies you were at school with. Most i know of 5 years later we basically useless s even the so called cool kids who were not really bad but just self important 10 years later I bumped into a few of them still eating in same place we used to go for a fry up.sat mornings after night out on the cider.....they had not moved on at all beyond knowing the cafe owner by his first name....The smashing up stuff not going to school again see above do you want to have a home travel nice car bike etc or live in the s
t part of town with your looser mates driving your st car from motopoint.The divorce an his mum being ill ask him how he feels about it explain the reality is life can suck but its never wose to make it worse for yourself.
best of luck OP
Blown2CV said:
smifffymoto said:
Follow S3fella's advice if you never want to speak to your child ever again.
well yes exactly. I mean blokes are criticised for not being in touch with their emotions, but it's not really unfounded for the most part. OP, follow the schools advice, though you may need to push them.
Personally I don't follow the "No snitching" model as I think it sets the wrong pattern for future life... the key is the balance between when to "take some banter" and when a line is crossed into abuse. There is an amount of "toughening up" at school, but there are also a bunch of psychopaths in most play grounds... the school should have ways of approaching it without naming names in the first instance. Your son has rights to be in a safe environment.
If someone is making his life hell at school, he may not understand why the people who are supposed to love him are trying to make him return to that hell, daily...
What would he really like to do about it?
Then, can he help you understand why he wants to do that?
To help him, you could explain that there are halfway steps without snitching, he could explain without naming names, or call the perps A and B, if he described an incident without saying all the details such as exact time, date and place it couldn't be prosecuted, or maybe he could give a hypothetical situation to you, "Ok Dad, how would you like it if you went into work and..." etc
Finally, maybe you could help him understand the practicalities of moving schools, home schooling, going to work at 16, or whatever it is he really wants to do.
What would he really like to do about it?
Then, can he help you understand why he wants to do that?
To help him, you could explain that there are halfway steps without snitching, he could explain without naming names, or call the perps A and B, if he described an incident without saying all the details such as exact time, date and place it couldn't be prosecuted, or maybe he could give a hypothetical situation to you, "Ok Dad, how would you like it if you went into work and..." etc
Finally, maybe you could help him understand the practicalities of moving schools, home schooling, going to work at 16, or whatever it is he really wants to do.
vsonix said:
I agree that his 'no snitching' policy is actually a good thing. Informing the authorities on others should only ever be a last resort. The older he gets the more he will find this attitude pays off in the long run.
Your advice can also be bad advice. There are situations in an adult professional life where knowing and not reporting can make you an accomplice. vsonix said:
OO Beckton said:
I wouldn't have thought a 6"2 lad in an independent school was being bullied, nor that his history of bullying was still was upsetting him
Not always. At my school the chief bullies were wiry little weasels. Physical bullying wasn't a thing but mental/emotional bullying was way more commonplace. Fighting wasn't tolerated and if you raised a fist to someone who was making your life miserable you would invariably get in the most trouble, even more so if you appeared bigger or stronger. And as a bigger chap you often get issues with aggro little guys trying to prove themselves. Being a tall bloke does not mean you’re immune from bullying
Muzzer79 said:
vsonix said:
OO Beckton said:
I wouldn't have thought a 6"2 lad in an independent school was being bullied, nor that his history of bullying was still was upsetting him
Not always. At my school the chief bullies were wiry little weasels. Physical bullying wasn't a thing but mental/emotional bullying was way more commonplace. Fighting wasn't tolerated and if you raised a fist to someone who was making your life miserable you would invariably get in the most trouble, even more so if you appeared bigger or stronger. And as a bigger chap you often get issues with aggro little guys trying to prove themselves. Being a tall bloke does not mean you’re immune from bullying
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