End of tether with our son
Discussion
croyde said:
Things seem to have got worse.
Still won't go to school, only interested in the PS4. His mother keeps giving in so I've just driven round, walked in and taken the internet connection. I wanted the PS4 but he's hidden it and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my temper.
School are now talking home visits and possibly collecting him. I think that means social workers.
A great end to bringing the boy up, happy, safe, loved and warm.
I am really sick of it as it's effecting his mother badly as well as me and his brothers and sisters. A very unhappy household. Pretty sad.
There will be an internet connection back in place by the end of the week. Still won't go to school, only interested in the PS4. His mother keeps giving in so I've just driven round, walked in and taken the internet connection. I wanted the PS4 but he's hidden it and I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me lose my temper.
School are now talking home visits and possibly collecting him. I think that means social workers.
A great end to bringing the boy up, happy, safe, loved and warm.
I am really sick of it as it's effecting his mother badly as well as me and his brothers and sisters. A very unhappy household. Pretty sad.
Sadly, whilst the mother won't stand up to her own son you've got no chance of having any effect, short of removing him from that environment and her (lack of) control.
Feel for you, must be very difficult. Unfortunately his behaviour is just a symptom of an underlying problem that needs to be established.
Growing up, my parents split in my early teens. I seemed to cope fairly well at the time and don't feel as though I've had any lasting negative effects.
My sister however was severely affected and 30 years later still suffers from the road it sent her down. She was a happy go lucky, full of fun 12 year old who's life changed and really has never been the same since.
This was after a fairly straightforward amicable marriage split and didn't involve other complications such as one parent having a cancer diagnosis etc.
My mum still beats herself up about not getting her counselling when she was a teenager.
Don't take this the wrong way but nobody said being a parent was supposed to be easy, in my work over the last few years I've worked with parents of children with multiple disabilities, some of whom day in-day out spend there time changing feeding tubes/administering meds up to 6 times a day/dealing with multiple seizures each day and pushing against bureaucracy, and abuse from nightmare neighbours amongst many other things. Certainly makes me apreciate what a charmed life I have. My point is, your going through a really bad patch at the moment but it won't always be like this. You seem more concerned with your girlfriend and getting away to Europe to be honest. I'm sure you wouldn't of started the thread if you didn't care but it comes across like its a bit of an inconvenience.
Growing up, my parents split in my early teens. I seemed to cope fairly well at the time and don't feel as though I've had any lasting negative effects.
My sister however was severely affected and 30 years later still suffers from the road it sent her down. She was a happy go lucky, full of fun 12 year old who's life changed and really has never been the same since.
This was after a fairly straightforward amicable marriage split and didn't involve other complications such as one parent having a cancer diagnosis etc.
My mum still beats herself up about not getting her counselling when she was a teenager.
Don't take this the wrong way but nobody said being a parent was supposed to be easy, in my work over the last few years I've worked with parents of children with multiple disabilities, some of whom day in-day out spend there time changing feeding tubes/administering meds up to 6 times a day/dealing with multiple seizures each day and pushing against bureaucracy, and abuse from nightmare neighbours amongst many other things. Certainly makes me apreciate what a charmed life I have. My point is, your going through a really bad patch at the moment but it won't always be like this. You seem more concerned with your girlfriend and getting away to Europe to be honest. I'm sure you wouldn't of started the thread if you didn't care but it comes across like its a bit of an inconvenience.
Dinoboy said:
You seem more concerned with your girlfriend and getting away to Europe to be honest. I'm sure you wouldn't of started the thread if you didn't care but it comes across like its a bit of an inconvenience.
Far from it mate. maybe you haven't read the whole thread.I gave up my life with my girlfriend and my lovely life in the country to come back and help. It has cost me thousands, it has made me very depressed plus my scooter got stolen, all in the 4 weeks that I have been back.
My ex wife split with me 9 years ago and I have had a krappy time of it, including a heart attack, but still I know that my kids are my responsibility, so I am back.
I think my girlfriend wants out, as I have basically abandoned her and the 'trip' to Europe is a job, my only work this week and possibly this month, I'd rather not go, but it will pay me money I badly need for rent that I can't afford.
This is not a bit of an inconvenience.
Edited by croyde on Tuesday 20th February 15:34
croyde said:
His only friends seem to be out there in PS4 land where he just yells obscenities into his mouthpiece.
That sort of lifestyle is horribly common, and from my observations is very corrosive.I used to be the manager of a guy in his mid 20's who was very bright, but was getting more and more into gaming.
He would come into work totally shattered all the time because he would sit playing games until the middle of the night.
He never saw any real life friends anymore, but insisted he had loads of 'Friends' though his gaming. He used to talk about them like they were his best pals who lived next door, saying things like "Yeah, I was talking to my mate Dwayne about this last night", but when pressed on the matter he would admit that Dwayne was a 14 year old kid in Alabama who he had never met, but would swear he was better than any friend he had in person.
The language they used to use and the things they would shout and scream about while playing the games was vile. They would literally scream about killing Jews, be vile about black people calling them N*****s, and saying horrendous things about every other ethnicity you can think of.
He used to say that it was just how it was in the big online gaming communities, with everyone being massively obscene and offensive to each other in the name of 'banter' and trying to upset each other.
The more you screamed and shouted about disgusting things, the more you upset people you didn't like, and the more your 'friends' laughed.
The problem was he would then come into work start repeating 'funny jokes' about killing Jews and suchlike.
I think it's a slippery slope.
Lord Marylebone said:
croyde said:
His only friends seem to be out there in PS4 land where he just yells obscenities into his mouthpiece.
That sort of lifestyle is horribly common, and from my observations is very corrosive.I used to be the manager of a guy in his mid 20's who was very bright, but was getting more and more into gaming.
He would come into work totally shattered all the time because he would sit playing games until the middle of the night.
He never saw any real life friends anymore, but insisted he had loads of 'Friends' though his gaming. He used to talk about them like they were his best pals who lived next door, saying things like "Yeah, I was talking to my mate Dwayne about this last night", but when pressed on the matter he would admit that Dwayne was a 14 year old kid in Alabama who he had never met, but would swear he was better than any friend he had in person.
The language they used to use and the things they would shout and scream about while playing the games was vile. They would literally scream about killing Jews, be vile about black people calling them N*****s, and saying horrendous things about every other ethnicity you can think of.
He used to say that it was just how it was in the big online gaming communities, with everyone being massively obscene and offensive to each other in the name of 'banter' and trying to upset each other.
The more you screamed and shouted about disgusting things, the more you upset people you didn't like, and the more your 'friends' laughed.
The problem was he would then come into work start repeating 'funny jokes' about killing Jews and suchlike.
I think it's a slippery slope.
OP could you move your son in with you and your girlfriend on the country? then you can control the things in order to sort his life out. You can make him go to school, turn the internet off at bed time, restrict PS4 use, proper meals not junk etc. Hopefully get him into more positive activities like cadets/Duke of Edinburgh award/sports.
If you can stretch to it a firm boarding school would probably be even better.
If you can stretch to it a firm boarding school would probably be even better.
That's an idea, a good one. Means me not seeing much of my other 2 though.
Would have to see if girlfriend is happy with that too. She has a 5 year old who she won't want any bad influences around.
I think I have a 6 month get out clause in this flat. Hope so. Means another 5 months but that's not an eternity.
Moving a kid during his GSCEs is not a good idea but considering he's not going to school anyway.
Unfortunately boarding school is out. We were having problems at his last school which was private. Not going in to that one as well.
The costs were crippling financially.
Would have to see if girlfriend is happy with that too. She has a 5 year old who she won't want any bad influences around.
I think I have a 6 month get out clause in this flat. Hope so. Means another 5 months but that's not an eternity.
Moving a kid during his GSCEs is not a good idea but considering he's not going to school anyway.
Unfortunately boarding school is out. We were having problems at his last school which was private. Not going in to that one as well.
The costs were crippling financially.
AndStilliRise said:
Wow, that's an eye opener. Bloke at work was a massive gamer and at no stage was he ever on time. Also seemed to not look after himself well in the hygiene or health department.
I'm not saying all hardcore gamers are like I described, but I think it's quite an addictive hobby where it's too easy for them to find it far more entertaining than real life and get pulled in.smifffymoto said:
My son was like that,he has just been put on anti depressants and is now starting to become the son we used to have.
My daughter has been on anti depressants since her 18th birthday, they have worked wonders.May I ask how old your son was when he started on medication?
PM me if you don't want to put it on here.
Thanks
I wonder if it would be worth your son doing a bit of work experience? I haven't read the whole thread as I am dashing out somewhere....
I have a friend with a difficult teenage son and he asked me to mentor him a bit - so I brought him into my company for a couple of weeks over the summer and spent a bit of time with him focussing him on his goals in life. It made a difference.
Very difficult situation for you - I have a boy of roughly the same age.
I have a friend with a difficult teenage son and he asked me to mentor him a bit - so I brought him into my company for a couple of weeks over the summer and spent a bit of time with him focussing him on his goals in life. It made a difference.
Very difficult situation for you - I have a boy of roughly the same age.
I've observed this thread since the outset and want to offer my commiserations to Croyde.
It strikes me that your son is proving to be such a disruptive influence on so many lives that his behaviour needs to be quickly reigned in.
Irrespective of the potential bullying at school, yet to be proven & resolved, you need to resolve his behaviour to the rest of the family.
He has lost all right to privileges and negotiation on boundaries as he has repeatedly reverted to his anti-social behaviour.
PS4 needs to destroyed in front of him so that he knows it's gone and the home wi-fi cut off. Somehow he needs to be separated from your ex-wife as she has lost her credibility as a parent and role model and I'm sure her health could do without the stress.
How you engineer a fresh start where you become the father figure once more and rebuild a relationship with your son, I don't know.
However it seems clear to me, observing this from the dispassionate vantage point of an internet forum, that things are almost at the point of no return for your son.
Good luck and best wishes.
It strikes me that your son is proving to be such a disruptive influence on so many lives that his behaviour needs to be quickly reigned in.
Irrespective of the potential bullying at school, yet to be proven & resolved, you need to resolve his behaviour to the rest of the family.
He has lost all right to privileges and negotiation on boundaries as he has repeatedly reverted to his anti-social behaviour.
PS4 needs to destroyed in front of him so that he knows it's gone and the home wi-fi cut off. Somehow he needs to be separated from your ex-wife as she has lost her credibility as a parent and role model and I'm sure her health could do without the stress.
How you engineer a fresh start where you become the father figure once more and rebuild a relationship with your son, I don't know.
However it seems clear to me, observing this from the dispassionate vantage point of an internet forum, that things are almost at the point of no return for your son.
Good luck and best wishes.
AndStilliRise said:
Wow, that's an eye opener. Bloke at work was a massive gamer and at no stage was he ever on time. Also seemed to not look after himself well in the hygiene or health department.
Let's just caveat this by saying not all gamers are stinky, or lazy, or feckless.:-)
However certainly, at an age where they are still learning about boundaries then these are things that should not be going on.
I read this thread and find so much sadness amongst the responders. I have two adult children (24 and 29) and two adult step children (25 and 30). They were young when the hand held gaming toys were out and had dial up computers. Since the instant gratification of mobile phone based internet, on line gaming, instagram etc, became widely available (along with the late nights described here, the on line bullying etc) I have noted a massive (really massive) Increase in serious anxieties amongst perfectly well educated, well brought up and otherwise lovely young people. I think we pretty much got away with it with our kids, but only just! We know people (who are wealthy and enjoy a nice lifestyle) who's kids are totally screwed up. Wont leave the house. Dont want to assimilate. I even have a mate who was taking his wife, 17 year old son and one of his schoolmates to Greece for a summer holiday. The son got a panic attack on the plane and they had to remove themselves and go home. No holiday. WTF?
There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
Johnniem said:
I read this thread and find so much sadness amongst the responders. I have two adult children (24 and 29) and two adult step children (25 and 30). They were young when the hand held gaming toys were out and had dial up computers. Since the instant gratification of mobile phone based internet, on line gaming, instagram etc, became widely available (along with the late nights described here, the on line bullying etc) I have noted a massive (really massive) Increase in serious anxieties amongst perfectly well educated, well brought up and otherwise lovely young people. I think we pretty much got away with it with our kids, but only just! We know people (who are wealthy and enjoy a nice lifestyle) who's kids are totally screwed up. Wont leave the house. Dont want to assimilate. I even have a mate who was taking his wife, 17 year old son and one of his schoolmates to Greece for a summer holiday. The son got a panic attack on the plane and they had to remove themselves and go home. No holiday. WTF?
There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
Well said, a lot of common sense there that I can fully agree with.There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
Robertj21a said:
Johnniem said:
I read this thread and find so much sadness amongst the responders. I have two adult children (24 and 29) and two adult step children (25 and 30). They were young when the hand held gaming toys were out and had dial up computers. Since the instant gratification of mobile phone based internet, on line gaming, instagram etc, became widely available (along with the late nights described here, the on line bullying etc) I have noted a massive (really massive) Increase in serious anxieties amongst perfectly well educated, well brought up and otherwise lovely young people. I think we pretty much got away with it with our kids, but only just! We know people (who are wealthy and enjoy a nice lifestyle) who's kids are totally screwed up. Wont leave the house. Dont want to assimilate. I even have a mate who was taking his wife, 17 year old son and one of his schoolmates to Greece for a summer holiday. The son got a panic attack on the plane and they had to remove themselves and go home. No holiday. WTF?
There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
Well said, a lot of common sense there that I can fully agree with.There is a much bigger issue here than we realise I think. Are we being too molly coddling of our kids? Are we suffocating them with love? Are we over indulging them? I think we all know the answers but we are scared to be otherwise as that may be seen as abuse. What? Ask a child under 10 to unload the dishwasher? You have to be joking right? I hated my step mother for being the typical disney step mother but I could pretty much take care of a house by the time I was 14. She actually showed me then expected me to do what was required to be part of a household. Still hate her but much of what I learned was useful and made me a useful adult with consideration for others that I shared space with.
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