End of tether with our son
Discussion
BenjiS said:
I’m going to say the thing nobody else seems to, and I hope you take this in the spirit it’s intended.
It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
I'm going to say the thing that many others must be thinking. You need to have one final 'debate' with your son, attempt the best of the various suggestions made in this thread - and give him that one last chance. If he can't/won't co-operate you go back to your more enjoyable life in the country, with your girlfriend. It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
It's all very well everybody highlighting the blood ties within the family but it also requires co-operation from all parties. He's not a baby, he knows what he's doing - and he is happily ruining the lives of many other people. Enough is enough.
Robertj21a said:
BenjiS said:
I’m going to say the thing nobody else seems to, and I hope you take this in the spirit it’s intended.
It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
I'm going to say the thing that many others must be thinking. You need to have one final 'debate' with your son, attempt the best of the various suggestions made in this thread - and give him that one last chance. If he can't/won't co-operate you go back to your more enjoyable life in the country, with your girlfriend. It seems to me, the solution is he lives with you. Your cottage in the country, and your girlfriend need to be put in second place to your main role, which is to be a father to your son.
It's all very well everybody highlighting the blood ties within the family but it also requires co-operation from all parties. He's not a baby, he knows what he's doing - and he is happily ruining the lives of many other people. Enough is enough.
FN2TypeR said:
Andy-SP2 said:
Ari said:
I was far from a model child, but the idea of a child swearing at his parents was completely unimaginable when I was a kid! If I had, losing 30 mins of playing games would have been the very least of my worries..!
Times have changed.
My Mum reaching for a wooden spoon was enough to scare meTimes have changed.
Blown2CV said:
you can't just desert your 15 year old son, that's really terrible advice. He needs a father figure, and maybe not having that to the degree he has needed in his life to date is the thing that has brought all this about in the first place.
No, he needs a mother prepared to stand up to him rather than trying and bribe him to school with unlimited Playstation access. Until you get that (and you won't) then any other action is just pissing in the wind.
Ari said:
Blown2CV said:
you can't just desert your 15 year old son, that's really terrible advice. He needs a father figure, and maybe not having that to the degree he has needed in his life to date is the thing that has brought all this about in the first place.
No, he needs a mother prepared to stand up to him rather than trying and bribe him to school with unlimited Playstation access. Until you get that (and you won't) then any other action is just pissing in the wind.
Thanks people for listening and writing all sorts of good ideas and advice.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
So you know he’s definitely being bullied, mystery solved. Now you need to deal with it.
eta do not underestimate the seriousness of bullying, a teenager took there own life in our local high school last year due to this. Just because he’s a big strong lad it means nothing.
eta do not underestimate the seriousness of bullying, a teenager took there own life in our local high school last year due to this. Just because he’s a big strong lad it means nothing.
Edited by Dinoboy on Monday 22 January 20:10
croyde said:
Thanks people for listening and writing all sorts of good ideas and advice.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
OP, good progress. I would be trying to find out who the bullies are. Perhaps you could start dropping him off and start talking to the other parents? See if you can covertly find out. Perhaps old newspapers, school reports etc.Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
sounds like he's had it tough recently. 'Recently' to a teen probably seems like a lifetime though. I guess it is a case of how to get the situation into a containment position so he can get the next year done, complete exams and get out of that school. High school is often s
t for kids and social media has really boosted the opportunities to make it even stter. At that age you don't know who is your real friend and who isn't, and so-called friendships can be abusive. I will be willing to bet that the root of this all is someone supposedly close to him, not just a random kid threatening violence. Rarely is bullying like that, it's nearly all psychological, especially with social media, and only a false friend can cause that level of upset. They are probably the ones that are super nice and polite to you when you meet them to, so it isn't a case of thinking through his list of friends for who of the ones you've met might throw up a red flag.
t for kids and social media has really boosted the opportunities to make it even stter. At that age you don't know who is your real friend and who isn't, and so-called friendships can be abusive. I will be willing to bet that the root of this all is someone supposedly close to him, not just a random kid threatening violence. Rarely is bullying like that, it's nearly all psychological, especially with social media, and only a false friend can cause that level of upset. They are probably the ones that are super nice and polite to you when you meet them to, so it isn't a case of thinking through his list of friends for who of the ones you've met might throw up a red flag. I was bullied at school OP because I was fat and came from a different area so I didn't know anyone. I was picked on because I came from a small school where everyone was well behaved and you didnt have to stick up for yourself; in short I was an easy target. I was also quite bright which probably didn't help, I probably tried to show the less able kids up academically (i.e. the ones who were bulling me).
It came to a head after a few months and I ended up having to fight a lad who was picking on me an enormous amount. I won by a considerable margin and the bullying virtually stopped over night.
So perhaps your son would benefit from learning a martial art like judo, boxing or karate. He would learn confidence, self discipline and how to look after himself. I'm sure some people would disagree but sometimes the best way to stop a bully is to face up to them. He's already said he's not going to grass on them anyway so the teachers are powerless.
It came to a head after a few months and I ended up having to fight a lad who was picking on me an enormous amount. I won by a considerable margin and the bullying virtually stopped over night.
So perhaps your son would benefit from learning a martial art like judo, boxing or karate. He would learn confidence, self discipline and how to look after himself. I'm sure some people would disagree but sometimes the best way to stop a bully is to face up to them. He's already said he's not going to grass on them anyway so the teachers are powerless.
Ouch, he is going thru some serious st it sounds like.
I was lucky in having one teacher who cared when I went into a tailspin at that age and pulled me out before it was too damaging. My parents would have been no help frankly, whereas the teacher had seen it with hundreds of boys over the years (he was near retirement)
For me it was being late to reach puberty plus being 18 months younger than most of my peers (born in August and skipped a year, so at age 14 there where 16 year olds in the same classes), and the bullying that attracted (not helped by inappropriate attention from another male teacher - I was ‘pretty’)
t it sounds like.I was lucky in having one teacher who cared when I went into a tailspin at that age and pulled me out before it was too damaging. My parents would have been no help frankly, whereas the teacher had seen it with hundreds of boys over the years (he was near retirement)
For me it was being late to reach puberty plus being 18 months younger than most of my peers (born in August and skipped a year, so at age 14 there where 16 year olds in the same classes), and the bullying that attracted (not helped by inappropriate attention from another male teacher - I was ‘pretty’)
There's a good chance he is playing with his friends online and they are all on their PS4s every waking hour too. Smashing up the PS4 or telling him to go outside or get another hobby won't help and will just isolate him.
Most kids his age care less about school and exams, eventually (hopefully) they grow out of it. I don't think there's an instant fix, and you risk making things worse. Just be glad he chose gaming rather than getting smashed in a park every night, which I guarantee a significant amount of his classmates do.
Discipline is another matter, confiscating can work, but I was never particularly unruly and had rather strict parents, so hard to comment on the rest. There's always positive reinforcement - provide incentive for getting good grades etc.
The important thing is just to be there when he needs you.
Most kids his age care less about school and exams, eventually (hopefully) they grow out of it. I don't think there's an instant fix, and you risk making things worse. Just be glad he chose gaming rather than getting smashed in a park every night, which I guarantee a significant amount of his classmates do.
Discipline is another matter, confiscating can work, but I was never particularly unruly and had rather strict parents, so hard to comment on the rest. There's always positive reinforcement - provide incentive for getting good grades etc.
The important thing is just to be there when he needs you.
OO Beckton said:
I wouldn't have thought a 6"2 lad in an independent school was being bullied, nor that his history of bullying was still was upsetting him
Not always. At my school the chief bullies were wiry little weasels. Physical bullying wasn't a thing but mental/emotional bullying was way more commonplace. Fighting wasn't tolerated and if you raised a fist to someone who was making your life miserable you would invariably get in the most trouble, even more so if you appeared bigger or stronger. And as a bigger chap you often get issues with aggro little guys trying to prove themselves. This happened in his last school. Bullied badly for his first 2 years of secondary. School were ineffective in dealing with it despite us going in many times.
In the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
In the end I had had enough and told him to belt them back.
He did and won but then the school treated him harshly yet didn't touch the bully.
It was a private school and the bully was their top rugby player.
As blown2cv has mentioned allready,it could be a so called close pal along with others.
It happened with my son and went on for a fair time. I fortunately found out in time and confronted the other lads parents. They were mortified and delt with instantly.
Weird time for young lads of that age thier hormones are all over the place and many lads are at different stages all together at the same time.
Good luck op.
It happened with my son and went on for a fair time. I fortunately found out in time and confronted the other lads parents. They were mortified and delt with instantly.
Weird time for young lads of that age thier hormones are all over the place and many lads are at different stages all together at the same time.
Good luck op.
AppleJuice said:
Andy-SP2 said:
My Mum reaching for a wooden spoon was enough to scare me
My Dad reaching for a wooden spatula was enough - Dad and I then chatted and he helped me to work through that the thought of being smacked with a spatula was worse than the action. I'm a better person for it.Being hit with objects by mum really damaged our relationship. We pretty much hated each other until my late teens when my dad died and we had to get over our issues and support each other like family.
croyde said:
Thanks people for listening and writing all sorts of good ideas and advice.
Many I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
Not a personal attack but what the fMany I have already tried ie father/son holidays. OK it was Norfolk Broads not Dubai.
The added problem is that his mum has been very ill for the past 5 years. Aggressive breast cancer. How she has been able to work and deal with the home is beyond me. This has made her spoil the kids and not think of discipline.
Suggestions that I go back to my country idyll and my girlfriend are tempting but as said, he's my son and my other kids are suffering. I'm responsible for them.
I have only been back a week and I've been round there every day, which is pleasing my daughter and other son.
Long calm chat with 15 year old last night, after a 14 hour night shift, was bloody hard to do, in order to get him to come to mine didn't work but he promised to go to bed at 9pm and go to school this morning.
His mum texted me to say he was well behaved and I went over there to drive them to school this morning. He was really anxious but we kept it calm and he went into school.
Then he starts texting his mum by mid morning, someone come and get him, same boys are taunting him again and he can't stand it.
One of the teachers took him under her wing and got him to talk it out. He still won't name the trouble makers because of some stupid snitching rules.
'I won't Snake' he keeps saying.
Teacher has put a plan in place, too long winded to get into here, and we have a meeting with the head of year later in the week.
Lets see how this goes, you people have given me plenty to mull over.
PH at it's best. Thank you, really appreciated.
k is wrong with kids these days? "I won't snake" I'll just be prepared to let some nasty little s fk up my schooling and, potentially my whole life because of ridiculous misunderstood "honour" system. Grrr. Sadly, schools are pretty fking useless at this stuff too. You can guarantee that his head of year knows exactly which little sts are doing it. I'd be inclined to go in and confront them about it and not to leave it until you get some answers.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff