Being the poor relation, how do you cope?
Discussion
rowntreescabana said:
The depression and anxiety is a terrible cycle, but I'm that mentally weak that I can't even take myself to get help as I know I'll break down into a ball of tears and snot.
Good. There's no shame in seeking help, no shame in crying and definitely no shame in admitting to a trained medical professional that you need help working through whatever issues you feel are plaguing you.
The only thing I really regret in my life is not seeking help when I needed it. I went through a particularly hideous two years where my life contained only two things; nursing my terminally ill mother through cancer and dementia and working in a job I hated for a boss I detested. I'd always considered myself to be emotionally and mentally rock solid but dealing with my day-to-day life through that period put my mental health through a progressively worsening punishment. I wasn't dealing with large, crushing blows, I was dealing with tiny chips to my psyche every day and as such, it was barely noticeable.
When I look back to that period, there were definitely some signs that things weren't right. I can't remember any time in those two years where I was happy or when I looked forward to something. I was just dealing with routine, day in, day out. I started making mistakes at work; miscalculations, misjudgements, mistimings all over the place, which became increasingly more erratic as time went on but, as I said, barely noticeable over a short term.
At the time, I probably thought I was coping with it and that was probably true in some sense of the word but it all came crashing down whilst at work one day. I got a bit irritated by my awful boss, so I slammed my fist into my keyboard, stood up, pointed at him and screamed 'C*NT' into his face with every bit of energy I could muster and stormed out of the building, almost taking several doors with me. It was a full-fat, extra sugar, mental collapse served with whipped cream and a cherry.
I was incredibly fortunate that my boss's boss was on my side and she was invaluable when it came to getting me the help I needed both at work and at home, which then served as a catalyst to get a lot of other things sorted out. The first step was visiting my GP and telling her the whole story of what had happened over the last two years and what it led to. I really can't put into words the feeling of elation from the cathartic experience of getting everything out to someone who was prepared to listen and the fresh, renewed, almost zen-like state of calm which followed directly afterwards. Things only improved with a run of CBT and these days I have a totally different outlook on life. I'm really happy with everything, I don't get angry nor do I bottle things up.
There are ways to cope that you can't see yet and I would implore you with every fibre of my being to just go and have a chat with your GP. I promise you it's the right thing to do and I'm confident you'll feel a lot better for just talking to someone. I just wish someone had given me that advice before my explosion.
Good luck.
15 years ago i had a friend who was 8 years younger that me - he had a good job and was also doing some dodgy dealings and had a fair bit of cash laying around.
He bought a house, spend a fortune doing it up, it looked lovely, him and his missus had nice cars, wanted for nothing. all the while i was driving around in a beaten up old golf and living with my parents in a dead end job. He wasn't exactly understanding of how he made me feel either, mainly because i never told him.
fast forward to now - he's split from his wife, sold the nice house, on benefits for depression and anxiety snorted his share of the house sale and lives a one bed flat in a social housing block borrowing £10's from fed up family members to pay for his drugs.
Since then i now own two houses, have our own business which my partner and i run in our spare time, i have a half decent job which i do during the week and nice cars.
You never know when its going to be 'your turn' - all you can do is be ready for the challenge when it makes an appearance - positive mental attitude makes one hell of a difference to how people see you.
Do as others are suggesting - go speak to someone and get your brain back on track - be ready for when opportunity comes knocking.
Be the right person, at the right time in the right place and i promise you it will come together.
He bought a house, spend a fortune doing it up, it looked lovely, him and his missus had nice cars, wanted for nothing. all the while i was driving around in a beaten up old golf and living with my parents in a dead end job. He wasn't exactly understanding of how he made me feel either, mainly because i never told him.
fast forward to now - he's split from his wife, sold the nice house, on benefits for depression and anxiety snorted his share of the house sale and lives a one bed flat in a social housing block borrowing £10's from fed up family members to pay for his drugs.
Since then i now own two houses, have our own business which my partner and i run in our spare time, i have a half decent job which i do during the week and nice cars.
You never know when its going to be 'your turn' - all you can do is be ready for the challenge when it makes an appearance - positive mental attitude makes one hell of a difference to how people see you.
Do as others are suggesting - go speak to someone and get your brain back on track - be ready for when opportunity comes knocking.
Be the right person, at the right time in the right place and i promise you it will come together.
Depression is not something I can pass comment on and believe that unless one has direct, first hand experience of, is a dangerous thing to attempt.
But..the issue of the topic of the thread and the driving essence of your post; i.e the notion of being the 'poor relation'. This, I do have experience of.
The bottom line is that mates could not give a toss what you or anyone else in the group earn or are worth. You're mates because you get on, share common opinions and likes and have a laugh - none of which is related to wealth.
If it was, they would have long and quietly dropped you from the circle (most likely unknowingly) and the fact that they haven't suggests to me that they're a good bunch.
Hopefully you can use that as a solid base to realign your thinking.
But..the issue of the topic of the thread and the driving essence of your post; i.e the notion of being the 'poor relation'. This, I do have experience of.
The bottom line is that mates could not give a toss what you or anyone else in the group earn or are worth. You're mates because you get on, share common opinions and likes and have a laugh - none of which is related to wealth.
If it was, they would have long and quietly dropped you from the circle (most likely unknowingly) and the fact that they haven't suggests to me that they're a good bunch.
Hopefully you can use that as a solid base to realign your thinking.
I could have written the original post. I've gone from a role I enjoyed and was good at into a completely new role in a new function, and I too feel completely black about it.
It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
RTB said:
I could have written the original post. I've gone from a role I enjoyed and was good at into a completely new role in a new function, and I too feel completely black about it.
It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
Might seem an odd question RTB but can i ask what it is you do for a living ?It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
RTB said:
I could have written the original post. I've gone from a role I enjoyed and was good at into a completely new role in a new function, and I too feel completely black about it.
It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
This is virtually what my wife is going through, though it is the people she works with who are the problem not the company changing, she has 13yrs in her role and enjoys her job, it is the inability of others to do their jobs which is grinding her down, to the point where despite hating doing it she feels it's easier just to plod along doing just enough instead of all she can, as she gets treated no differently to those who do little more than turn up!!!It's getting worse as I've been in the new role for nearly 2 years so my lack of interest (and subsequent quality of work) can't be hidden behind my newb status anymore. Before Christmas I had a particular bad patch and booked an appointment with my GP.
I'd like to say that all is well now but it's not really, I cancelled the GP appointment as a couple of weeks away from work over Christmas made me feel much better and highlighted what a negative impact work was having on me. I've currently taken up a more stoic philosophy to life and try keep the feelings of inadequacy and general worthlessness at bay. I know that I need to change how I make money, but it's a deep rut and finding the energy to get out of it is a real struggle.
As for comparing yourself to others; its a difficult habit to get out of, just remember that your 4 managerial mates will be comparing themselves to other people in similar positions and secretly having similar thoughts to you.
Very interesting thread this. I don't know about anyone else, but for me its re-assuring to know you're not the only one out there struggling sometimes, because when you're in "that" place, it's easy to convince yourself otherwise. And I bet there are lots of people probably reading this thread, but not replying, who can relate to much of this. I am inclined to think these days that most people are struggling in their own way, but being an internal symptom, on the face of it, look like they are coping just fine to the outside world.
I've been there myself, and although I'm better than I was, every day is a new day, and can present another challenge or setback. Even when you think you've got control, sometimes life throws curve-balls and you're back where you started. It's important not to give up and keep reminding yourself of a lot of the points people have brought up. A lot of this is ingrained in our psyches so it takes time to reprogram the mind - it's worth doing though, and remember, its OK not to be OK sometimes.
I've been there myself, and although I'm better than I was, every day is a new day, and can present another challenge or setback. Even when you think you've got control, sometimes life throws curve-balls and you're back where you started. It's important not to give up and keep reminding yourself of a lot of the points people have brought up. A lot of this is ingrained in our psyches so it takes time to reprogram the mind - it's worth doing though, and remember, its OK not to be OK sometimes.
rossub said:
AndStilliRise said:
I think we all envious of people around us. I was recently working in a place where I was comparing my fitness level with someone who was an elite, world-class, professional ex-Olympic medalist!
Seriously, join a gym and lift some weights. You will look and feel better. And you will find the confidence in filter into other parts of your life, e.g. work, girls, going out.
You don't need any anti-depression magic mills. Keep away from that junk.
Are you for real? You actually think lifting weights solves depression and anxiety? Don’t think so.Seriously, join a gym and lift some weights. You will look and feel better. And you will find the confidence in filter into other parts of your life, e.g. work, girls, going out.
You don't need any anti-depression magic mills. Keep away from that junk.
FocusRS3 said:
I cab relate to your lack of enthusiasm in the compliance role. Its not my day to day job but we are surrounded in it within financial mkts.
I'm poacher turned gamekeeper 
Its the only job I've had where there is no job satisfaction and nothing of any real interest, just hassle and SoPs.
So many threads on PH (particularly in N,P&E) make me despair about the userbase of Pistonheads so it's really nice to read a thread like this which is full of great advice and general helpfulness.
I have nothing to add OP, apart from you have my best wishes and I sincerely hope you take some of the advice on offer here and help yourself to get better.
I have nothing to add OP, apart from you have my best wishes and I sincerely hope you take some of the advice on offer here and help yourself to get better.
Having re-read the original post again, I would urge you not to push your mates away. They are not easily replaceable, you will regret it in the long run, and if they are true friends you should be able to confide in them and they should support you.
I had to be honest with my mates and they were great, if anything it seemed to make our friendship stronger than before. Don't whatever you do lose these friends if can help it.
I had to be honest with my mates and they were great, if anything it seemed to make our friendship stronger than before. Don't whatever you do lose these friends if can help it.
Pothole said:
rowntreescabana said:
The depression and anxiety is a terrible cycle, but I'm that mentally weak that I can't even take myself to get help as I know I'll break down into a ball of tears and snot.
I feel for you, mate, but:So what? Do you really think a mental health professional will be at all phased by that? It sounds like it might be exactly what you need and would precipitate the right help pretty sharpish.
Do try and get it together enough to go and see someone. They really won't judge you because you cry. I know it's scary, but please go.
I withdrew from my family for a couple of years, part of it was because of feeling like the poor relation in comparison to a couple of very successful people. I recently realised none of that actually matters. I do OK. It could be better, but it could be massively worse too.
Get help. You're 43, not 93. You've plenty of life left to live.
Another vote for getting out in the fresh air and getting some exercise, it might not solve all your problems but it'll take the edge off it a bit.
Running, or a brisk walk, depending on how fit you are at the moment (everyone has to start somewhere) and even better if you can do it outside rather than a treadmill in a gym. Gives you time to think about stuff and clear your head. Outside because natural light is good for you. And as said a hundred times already, exercise releases happy endorphins.
Running, or a brisk walk, depending on how fit you are at the moment (everyone has to start somewhere) and even better if you can do it outside rather than a treadmill in a gym. Gives you time to think about stuff and clear your head. Outside because natural light is good for you. And as said a hundred times already, exercise releases happy endorphins.
Apologies for not getting back sooner, but the rather abrupt end to the post was due to me heading out for a 12 hour night shift.
Firstly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you, not only for replying, but for taking the time to post some very special, kind and thoughtful words. As has already been pointed out, the forum can be a harsh place at times, but it can also be a very thoughtful and caring place too, and this thread is testament to that. I must admit to clicking submit with great deal of trepidation, but those fears were completely unfounded.
I will not lie to you all and promise that I'll seek medical help, but I will promise you that I will try. If I do, it'll most probably be off the cuff as I'm passing a GP's surgery. I still have a huge barrier in my head preventing me from making that step of walking through those doors, and I'm sure that fear will be perplexing to a lot of you, but these are the hurdles in place for those of us who suffer with social anxiety, an anxiety which is only more compounded by my current emotional state.
So, I'm going to start off with a plan involving regular exercise (running and weights), reading books (stepping away from the Internet), and I'm going to make significant improvements to my diet. I also think it may be time to knock social media on the head for the time being. I'm hoping that this will improve things enough for me to push me through those GP's doors. I know this is the right thing to do long term and that is my ultimate target.
Once again, I want to thank you all for taking the time to selflessly checkout of your own lives for a moment to offer help to a total stranger. If I could buy you all a beer I would.
Thanks again.
Firstly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you, not only for replying, but for taking the time to post some very special, kind and thoughtful words. As has already been pointed out, the forum can be a harsh place at times, but it can also be a very thoughtful and caring place too, and this thread is testament to that. I must admit to clicking submit with great deal of trepidation, but those fears were completely unfounded.
I will not lie to you all and promise that I'll seek medical help, but I will promise you that I will try. If I do, it'll most probably be off the cuff as I'm passing a GP's surgery. I still have a huge barrier in my head preventing me from making that step of walking through those doors, and I'm sure that fear will be perplexing to a lot of you, but these are the hurdles in place for those of us who suffer with social anxiety, an anxiety which is only more compounded by my current emotional state.
So, I'm going to start off with a plan involving regular exercise (running and weights), reading books (stepping away from the Internet), and I'm going to make significant improvements to my diet. I also think it may be time to knock social media on the head for the time being. I'm hoping that this will improve things enough for me to push me through those GP's doors. I know this is the right thing to do long term and that is my ultimate target.
Once again, I want to thank you all for taking the time to selflessly checkout of your own lives for a moment to offer help to a total stranger. If I could buy you all a beer I would.
Thanks again.
RowntreesCabana said:
I will not lie to you all and promise that I'll seek medical help, but I will promise you that I will try. If I do, it'll most probably be off the cuff as I'm passing a GP's surgery. I still have a huge barrier in my head preventing me from making that step of walking through those doors, and I'm sure that fear will be perplexing to a lot of you, but these are the hurdles in place for those of us who suffer with social anxiety, an anxiety which is only more compounded by my current emotional state.
I know it's hard, I really do, but try not to think of it is 'medical help' but as 'someone to listen to you and someone who will understand'. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff