Being the poor relation, how do you cope?
Discussion
theplayingmantis said:
Success isn’t measured by work. One mans success is another’s failure. Having a good job and being successful by societies norms are not a yardstick. Practical skills/talents can be learnt. Don’t give up. Joy and pleasure can be found in the unlikeliest places and the smallest things.
A mate of mine is the very definition of a success and he makes £20k a year, his misses works the back shift in Tesco.
I described him to my girlfriend as the last of the 1950's dads, he has 2 laddies that he dotes on but they aren't his friends and they are very clear about that.
They are polite yet not deferential, both have a paper round at 10 and 12 years old. Their mothers word is gospel but they regularly fill his work boots with lego and swap his sandwich fillings for dryer lint or a cheese slice with the plastic on.
I know 3 or 4 dads who make wayyyyy more than Dave but are much less of a success.
Canning social media is such a release!
OP, just think, you work to live, you don't live to work. Work and career is just a means to an end. Life is what it's all about. Save some money. See the world. Offer your support on a voluntary basis. Do new things, try new things! As much as you can afford to. f
k having things. As long as you are warm at night and are not going hungry you are blessed.
OP, just think, you work to live, you don't live to work. Work and career is just a means to an end. Life is what it's all about. Save some money. See the world. Offer your support on a voluntary basis. Do new things, try new things! As much as you can afford to. f
k having things. As long as you are warm at night and are not going hungry you are blessed. I have another suggestion to help your psychological issues, and that's to try a change or improvement in diet.
Try plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, and reduce your meat and dairy intake. If you're into junk food and processed food I would be inclined to drop that altogether.
Doing it in small stages makes it easier to manage though rather than one massive change all at once which is hard to sustain.
Try plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, and reduce your meat and dairy intake. If you're into junk food and processed food I would be inclined to drop that altogether.
Doing it in small stages makes it easier to manage though rather than one massive change all at once which is hard to sustain.
RowntreesCabana said:
The depression and anxiety is a terrible cycle, but I'm that mentally weak that I can't even take myself to get help as I know I'll break down into a ball of tears and snot.
So break down into a ball of tears and snot. If it that's what it takes to start you on the road to getting the help it looks like you need then do it. You won't be the first they've seen like that and you won't be the last.You can't be your mates, they can't be you so that's on a hiding to nothing. Just be a better version of yourself today than you were yesterday. Even if the difference is yesterday's you thought about making a cup of tea, but couldn't be arsed in the end and today's you made that cuppa.
If we're giving book recommendations, can I put forward The subtle art of not giving a f
k by Mark Manson.I can't really add anything to what's already been said - rather well, in some cases.
What I will offer though, is a sense of perspective. Your OP points towards an element of the materialistic and looking at your current & previous cars, I guarantee that people have looked at those cars with envy.
You currently own, and have owned, cars that are a pipe dream for many people.
I realise that this won't be much help in the scheme of things in terms of how you feel mentally but as I say, just offering a little perspective.
What I will offer though, is a sense of perspective. Your OP points towards an element of the materialistic and looking at your current & previous cars, I guarantee that people have looked at those cars with envy.
You currently own, and have owned, cars that are a pipe dream for many people.
I realise that this won't be much help in the scheme of things in terms of how you feel mentally but as I say, just offering a little perspective.
TheJimi said:
I can't really add anything to what's already been said - rather well, in some cases.
What I will offer though, is a sense of perspective. Your OP points towards an element of the materialistic and looking at your current & previous cars, I guarantee that people have looked at those cars with envy.
You currently own, and have owned, cars that are a pipe dream for many people.
I realise that this won't be much help in the scheme of things in terms of how you feel mentally but as I say, just offering a little perspective.
I like it! +1 and it wouldn't be Pistonheads if someone didn't say it What I will offer though, is a sense of perspective. Your OP points towards an element of the materialistic and looking at your current & previous cars, I guarantee that people have looked at those cars with envy.
You currently own, and have owned, cars that are a pipe dream for many people.
I realise that this won't be much help in the scheme of things in terms of how you feel mentally but as I say, just offering a little perspective.
AndStilliRise said:
The Vambo said:
AndStilliRise said:
Seriously, join a gym and lift some weights. You will look and feel better.
I was saying this in my head the whole way down this thread but it seemed a bit flippant to post. It really is true, lift basic weights and read for an hour before bed every night and you will be ahead of 90% of the population in one years time.People would rather jump straight to suggesting you sit on a couch filled with pills talking to some steve jobs lookalike after a referral from your GP.
supercommuter said:
Exercising helps, a lot. Give it a blast!
People would rather jump straight to suggesting you sit on a couch filled with pills talking to some steve jobs lookalike after a referral from your GP.
That’s slightly dismissive I feel, there are a number of tools and techniques that the OP could try. Seeing a GP is just one of them. People would rather jump straight to suggesting you sit on a couch filled with pills talking to some steve jobs lookalike after a referral from your GP.
That said, I understand your sentiment, but on the other hand, doing it alone is very very hard, and many people simply don’t make it.
Personally I’ve avoided pills and a shrink this time around, but I did use them about 22-3 years ago.
Some great advice on here, proving it can be a really great place to find support. I've been here OP, I'll briefly tell you what happened and maybe it can help.
I have 2 very successful brothers, I do ok, but it's natural to compare.
One of those brothers is no longer with us, the stress of his life took it's toll.
The other has eloped on his own, the stress of his life took it's toll.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was forced to go to the doctor by my fantastic gf. The best bit of advice he gave me - it's ok to not be ok.
I've changed my lifestyle, increased exercise, reduced booze, changed my job (to something far less lucrative). I finally succumbed to medication and counselling, and coming into 2018 I'm a far better person than I've ever been.
It's not what you have, it's who you are. And those who from the outside seem to have everything are typically the unhappiest. Be happy in your own skin and try to make the changes, one step at a time.
I have 2 very successful brothers, I do ok, but it's natural to compare.
One of those brothers is no longer with us, the stress of his life took it's toll.
The other has eloped on his own, the stress of his life took it's toll.
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was forced to go to the doctor by my fantastic gf. The best bit of advice he gave me - it's ok to not be ok.
I've changed my lifestyle, increased exercise, reduced booze, changed my job (to something far less lucrative). I finally succumbed to medication and counselling, and coming into 2018 I'm a far better person than I've ever been.
It's not what you have, it's who you are. And those who from the outside seem to have everything are typically the unhappiest. Be happy in your own skin and try to make the changes, one step at a time.
To be fair, a social circle of 4 isn't a bad thing. Mine is 3. It's easier that way, 3 close friends that you can tell anything to and would take secrets to the grave for you. Everyone else is just a friendly hello. As I have got older my friendship circle has gone from 20-30 to just those 3. I like it better, less drama.
I would say, and I think you know it, that a lot of the issues is linked to the anxiety and depression, both go hand in hand together and feed off each other too. Leaving you in a cycle that will never end if you don't do something to interrupt it.
I'm lucky that I have never had any but my Mrs suffers from it and is constantly up and down at times. The one thing I've learned is that sometimes, at the start, you will feel it is in control, but with time you will come out the other side of it and learn how to control IT. Mental health has nowhere near the stigma it used to and there is many groups & services available to you away from your doctor that could help.
Breaking down isn't a bad thing and does not mean your weak or useless. More a sign that despite the depression and anxiety, you have been strong for so long. I can't imagine the struggle it must be, but to still be doing a job, being sociable etc, you're coping better than you think.
With the massive amount of help out there now its really your choice which service to access first but, if you feel comfortable, I would recommend your doctor first as they can look at tablets as maybe a short-term solution for the here and now and then they will have information on all the other services in your area such as self-help support groups, counselling to help with the anxiety or CBT.
I would say, and I think you know it, that a lot of the issues is linked to the anxiety and depression, both go hand in hand together and feed off each other too. Leaving you in a cycle that will never end if you don't do something to interrupt it.
I'm lucky that I have never had any but my Mrs suffers from it and is constantly up and down at times. The one thing I've learned is that sometimes, at the start, you will feel it is in control, but with time you will come out the other side of it and learn how to control IT. Mental health has nowhere near the stigma it used to and there is many groups & services available to you away from your doctor that could help.
Breaking down isn't a bad thing and does not mean your weak or useless. More a sign that despite the depression and anxiety, you have been strong for so long. I can't imagine the struggle it must be, but to still be doing a job, being sociable etc, you're coping better than you think.
With the massive amount of help out there now its really your choice which service to access first but, if you feel comfortable, I would recommend your doctor first as they can look at tablets as maybe a short-term solution for the here and now and then they will have information on all the other services in your area such as self-help support groups, counselling to help with the anxiety or CBT.
TameRacingDriver said:
Anthony Micallef said:
A very interesting post which I can relate to a lot. I'm nearly 46 and working in IT at the lowest level barely making over £20k a year. I've never had any real success in my life whether it was at school or at work. I didn't achieve any grades above a D in my GCSEs and have always had low paying jobs. Any job I've had has always been at the lowest level and never been promoted.
I don't have any skills or talents that I could use outside of work. Its a daily battle for me to try and accept that I probably wont have any success in my life. Part of me tells me never to give up but the other part is just too tired of trying.
I try and be thankful for what I have but it is hard.
Reading back this sounds all very negative but I just want the OP to know he's not the only one out there feeling like this.
I’m a bit younger than you, and have been lucky enough to end up on a slightly better salary, but I am pretty much still on the bottom wrung too. I have tried my best my whole life to better myself, gone for promotions, done my job well, and ultimately always lose out to someone else. Some of those people were also hilariously bad at their job. I was even made redundant from one job even though I was probably better and more experienced than many who stayed.I don't have any skills or talents that I could use outside of work. Its a daily battle for me to try and accept that I probably wont have any success in my life. Part of me tells me never to give up but the other part is just too tired of trying.
I try and be thankful for what I have but it is hard.
Reading back this sounds all very negative but I just want the OP to know he's not the only one out there feeling like this.
Through circumstance more than anything else, I ended up in a job for a big company on a bit more money (not by much though), and history seems to look like its repeating itself. I seem to be the go to person for a lot of our team for help and support, I do my job to a high standard, but still I’m witnessing others getting ahead, again.
I’ve honestly stopped caring now. As long as I do my job to a good standard, which I know I do thanks the feedback I get from them, then I’m not going to lose any sleep. Nowadays I just shrug my shoulders and say “story of my life, as per usual”. I think ultimately, I probably don’t sell myself enough, or talk the company talk, play the silly games, or whatever it is that seems to work for others regardless of their level of ability; some people are like cats, they always land on their feet. They could fall in a vat full of cow s
t and come out smelling of roses Keep your head up mate, for some of us, it wasn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop trying, and it definitely doesn’t mean people don’t appreciate you or the work you do.
Anthony Micallef said:
Thank you for taking the trouble to reply. I will never stop trying but sometimes think that makes me feel worse. I wish that I wasn't bothered and just never feel the need to want to try.
To be honest, these days, I only try to do my job to a high standard, rather than constantly aim for promotion that never seems forthcoming. If I can do my job well, know that I do (good feedback) and still not get promoted, I think that says more about those who are dishing promoting people than anything else.If there’s one thing I’ve noticed, its that quite often people are not promoted on merit but on how far they have their tongues stuck up their managers backside. I don’t sweat it anymore, I accept that I might not get any higher up the ladder than now because I am not prepared to lick my bosses arse. I will of course be respectful, friendly and do what they want me to do as I always do, but if I have to be in some kind of clique or be shouty as they seem to suggest at times, then I accept I’ll probably stay where I am! My current boss seems to like me so maybe it will be my year, maybe not, but I’m not expecting anything.
You also have to ask yourself, do you want any more stress? I know I don’t. I’m actually fairly happy in a low level job with minimal responsibility.
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