Modern toilets cannot cope
Discussion
The Nur said:
You forgot something.
To truly assert your dominance, leave the door open at all times and if possible, conduct a conversation with an unsuspecting fellow user of the facilities. Maintain constant eye contact.
This reminds me of Neil, a guy I used to work with. He had zero boundaries. To truly assert your dominance, leave the door open at all times and if possible, conduct a conversation with an unsuspecting fellow user of the facilities. Maintain constant eye contact.
He'd sit in the trap, hear someone come in and ask who it was. The times I'd be having a piss and he'd want to talk about the meeting we'd just been in while farting, plopping and other noises came from the cubicle he was in.
He did have one very funny party trick.
He would wait in the trap until someone came in. He would then let out a terrifying scream. He would sometimes back this up with exclamations like "Oh f
k, no, no, no!". Before unlocking the door and washing his hands, with maybe a polite nod to whoever his shocked audience was.It worked best on new starters.
motco said:
What usually happens when you're disposing of a Bristol Stool Chart 4 or 5 and trapped methane decides to burst past the soft morass? A st storm, is the result! Lasers are unlikely to cope with that without slicing lumps from your rump!
I think this illustrates the scenario you have in mind.t storm, is the result! Lasers are unlikely to cope with that without slicing lumps from your rump!https://youtu.be/Qr0OcXst59k
I got caught short last night.
I was in the pub with the dog and a friend (A fellow PHer).
We were mid way through the merits of a V8 XF Vs a Phaeton when I handed him the dog lead and made for the gents. Friday night, small gents with only one stter.
There is a two door vestibule arrangement to get into the bogs and you need to be careful not to A. Get caught between the doors as one slams behind you and B. Not to just charge into the bogs as ten to one you'll slam the door into an exiting person who will instinctively jump back hitting the chaps standing up to piss in the two urinals which amusingly look like Mick Jagger's mouth.
Praying hard for a clear path and with a brewing storm just inboard of the bonus hole, I charged the doors pushing past a hapless gent to get to the stter.
There was no lock on the door, but I was dominating this cubicle and with the heat, sound and velocity of a Space Shuttle trying to escape earth's gravitational clutches, it happened, and continued, and continued. I flushed but then had to go some more.
The last explosion was so impressive I photographed it and sent it to my waiting friend with my dog before using all the bog roll in the stter to construct a kind of nappy to put on under my boxers.
I got out, no soap so I washed my hands with water.
I collected the dog who decided on the short walk home that he wanted a st. He produced the canine equivalent of what I had just done. The only difference being I had to pick the mess up. The dog st bags I had on me were those cheap light weight ones which are thinner than a stretched Durex Feather lite.
That's the last time I drink Black Sheep and definitely the last time the dog gets any.
I'd post the picture but it's probably not appropriate.
I was in the pub with the dog and a friend (A fellow PHer).
We were mid way through the merits of a V8 XF Vs a Phaeton when I handed him the dog lead and made for the gents. Friday night, small gents with only one s
tter.There is a two door vestibule arrangement to get into the bogs and you need to be careful not to A. Get caught between the doors as one slams behind you and B. Not to just charge into the bogs as ten to one you'll slam the door into an exiting person who will instinctively jump back hitting the chaps standing up to piss in the two urinals which amusingly look like Mick Jagger's mouth.
Praying hard for a clear path and with a brewing storm just inboard of the bonus hole, I charged the doors pushing past a hapless gent to get to the s
tter.There was no lock on the door, but I was dominating this cubicle and with the heat, sound and velocity of a Space Shuttle trying to escape earth's gravitational clutches, it happened, and continued, and continued. I flushed but then had to go some more.
The last explosion was so impressive I photographed it and sent it to my waiting friend with my dog before using all the bog roll in the s
tter to construct a kind of nappy to put on under my boxers.I got out, no soap so I washed my hands with water.
I collected the dog who decided on the short walk home that he wanted a s
t. He produced the canine equivalent of what I had just done. The only difference being I had to pick the mess up. The dog st bags I had on me were those cheap light weight ones which are thinner than a stretched Durex Feather lite.That's the last time I drink Black Sheep and definitely the last time the dog gets any.
I'd post the picture but it's probably not appropriate.
Edited by Wildcat45 on Saturday 18th August 10:29
Edited by Wildcat45 on Saturday 18th August 10:33
Wildcat45 said:
I got caught short last night.
I was in the pub with the dog and a friend (A fellow PHer)........
A cautionary tale well told there.I was in the pub with the dog and a friend (A fellow PHer)........
Just as the drama and tension was rising, I was waiting for you to say that there was no bogroll and that you had to rip up the cardboard tube to scrape the residue out as so often can happen in a pub bog. Luckily that didn't happen. As for no soap, errhg
Wildcat45 said:
motco said:
What usually happens when you're disposing of a Bristol Stool Chart 4 or 5 and trapped methane decides to burst past the soft morass? A st storm, is the result! Lasers are unlikely to cope with that without slicing lumps from your rump!
I think this illustrates the scenario you have in mind.t storm, is the result! Lasers are unlikely to cope with that without slicing lumps from your rump!https://youtu.be/Qr0OcXst59k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIJvPj_pjE
colin_p said:
I think it is more like an A10 Tankbuster type noise, Brrrrrrrrrrrrrt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIJvPj_pjE
The fart of death!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIJvPj_pjE
We needed a new bog for the upstairs facility. Didn't want to spend too much as the bathroom was going to get an expensive make over some time soon. I had a look at what Screwfix had to offer, found something that would do so I had a look at the reviews. Bob the Builders* review had me laughing almost as much as some of the posts in this topic. To begin with he was very complimentary but finished with something like "why do I always leave skid marks in the pan?" How very true that turned out to be. Easy to stop happening, two sheets of paper, still joined. Dip about 20mm of the paper into the water, gently slide it up the back of the pan and allow the dry end to fall back, no more skids. Had to instruct the rest of the Cube family in skid mark avoidance. After that I noticed they mostly used the downstairs facility, an old school high level job that not even a Dreadnought has got the better of.
Moral of this story? Modern cheap toilets can't cope.
*Might not have been Bob the Builder.
Moral of this story? Modern cheap toilets can't cope.
*Might not have been Bob the Builder.
Modern toilets are indeed, well, crap... See what i did there. I very much dislike my toilet and plan to replace it as soon as i have the funds to do so.
I often look at the many heavily oversized people running or rather slogging about in public and i have a serious wonder as to how they manage to fit their massive asses on the toilet. And they manage to wipe properly since many toilets are placed in a corner with limited knee and standing room. Its a nasty thought but i am willing to bet that there is a good portion of the public that walk around with half wiped arses.
Speaking of toilets did you know that commercial airplane engineers are now making plans to produce larger lavatory areas to accommodate the overweight public. Its true, look it up.
I often look at the many heavily oversized people running or rather slogging about in public and i have a serious wonder as to how they manage to fit their massive asses on the toilet. And they manage to wipe properly since many toilets are placed in a corner with limited knee and standing room. Its a nasty thought but i am willing to bet that there is a good portion of the public that walk around with half wiped arses.
Speaking of toilets did you know that commercial airplane engineers are now making plans to produce larger lavatory areas to accommodate the overweight public. Its true, look it up.
[quote=ESOG
I often look at the many heavily oversized people running or rather slogging about in public and i have a serious wonder as to how they manage to fit their massive asses on the toilet. And they manage to wipe properly
[/quote]
The very fat ones use a sponge on a stick because they cannot reach the trapdoors by hand.
I often look at the many heavily oversized people running or rather slogging about in public and i have a serious wonder as to how they manage to fit their massive asses on the toilet. And they manage to wipe properly
[/quote]
The very fat ones use a sponge on a stick because they cannot reach the trapdoors by hand.
Here in Asia we are blessed with the “bum gun”, like a less Parisienne version of the bidet.
I’ve not used bog paper in six years and my arse (very hairy) thanks me for it. There’s been many times I’ve used half a roll to smear ste across my hole only to then having a sneaky nugget decide it wants to come out.
My tiny wife (35kg) does the biggest chunks I’ve ever seen on a human. It must hurt like hell when they emerge. I told her giving birth would be less painful.
All hail the bum gun. (And you can also clean smearage and wash your feet)
I’ve not used bog paper in six years and my arse (very hairy) thanks me for it. There’s been many times I’ve used half a roll to smear s
te across my hole only to then having a sneaky nugget decide it wants to come out. My tiny wife (35kg) does the biggest chunks I’ve ever seen on a human. It must hurt like hell when they emerge. I told her giving birth would be less painful.
All hail the bum gun. (And you can also clean smearage and wash your feet)
Jesus Christ I’ve been reading this fittingly on the bog after a particularly rough curry last night.
Tears rolling down my face and my arse at the same time.
Toilet utopia is actually those Japanese ones that squirt your arse then blow it dry afterwards.
It took my 1 month to pluck up the courage when I lived there and once tried it was like a revelation.
Never has my ring been so shiny and clean. Returning home was like coming back to the dark ages, unheated bogs complete with a handy roll of paper to smear st around til it looks clean.
Western savages.
Tears rolling down my face and my arse at the same time.
Toilet utopia is actually those Japanese ones that squirt your arse then blow it dry afterwards.
It took my 1 month to pluck up the courage when I lived there and once tried it was like a revelation.
Never has my ring been so shiny and clean. Returning home was like coming back to the dark ages, unheated bogs complete with a handy roll of paper to smear s
t around til it looks clean. Western savages.
How the hell do you squirt water all over your date-hole without the splash back and pooey run off going all over your clothes?
You'd either need to go into trap one stark bk naked or perform some sort of gymnastic like twerking moves or have a shower afterwards as surely there would be s**t everywhere?
Also what do use to dry your botty, that Jap blow-dryer bog sounds interesting especially if the air velocity was such that re-charged you for lots of farting fun and games. Do they have a cold air setting to help sooth a dose of ring sting?
You'd either need to go into trap one stark b
k naked or perform some sort of gymnastic like twerking moves or have a shower afterwards as surely there would be s**t everywhere?Also what do use to dry your botty, that Jap blow-dryer bog sounds interesting especially if the air velocity was such that re-charged you for lots of farting fun and games. Do they have a cold air setting to help sooth a dose of ring sting?
They’re telescopic, think headlamp cleaner nozzle, water pressure forces it outward until it’s eye to eye with your ring then like a Karcher it blasts the debris away from in a localised area.
Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.
Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.
Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.
Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.
Bum guns are a revelation.
I do want to fit a proper jap auto bidet anus spa in my house. Can we get them in the UK? I remember when I got married 2 years ago the bridal suite bathroom had one fitted - far more interesting to play with than chat with half of the relatives I didn't want to invite in the first place.
I do want to fit a proper jap auto bidet anus spa in my house. Can we get them in the UK? I remember when I got married 2 years ago the bridal suite bathroom had one fitted - far more interesting to play with than chat with half of the relatives I didn't want to invite in the first place.
Cyder said:
They’re telescopic, think headlamp cleaner nozzle, water pressure forces it outward until it’s eye to eye with your ring then like a Karcher it blasts the debris away from in a localised area.
Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.
Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.
How does telescoping bit know when to stop and not actually go up your bum?Oh the water is also warm and adjustable to your preference.
Then a nice blast of (warm) air makes sure all is ticketyboo.
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