Modern toilets cannot cope
Discussion
Rawwr said:
You missed a subsection:
8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
I did that once and couldn't leave the trap for 10 mins due to the face I couldn't stop laughing and neither could the guy in the other trap.8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
I'm currently on quite a lot of morphine and that blocks you up a treat so you have to take lactolose and Senokot to counter it. I went a couple of days ago and was glad of the grab handle (aka the heated towel rail). I had to stand up when I felt it pushing back on the bottom of the pan...
Rawwr said:
You missed a subsection:
8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
Or the alternative:8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
"A bit more choke and that would start"
I once stayed at a mates place in Sweden, not on main drainage so had an eco toilet.
You did your business onto a disc, once finished, press a button, the disc span, flinging waste into a circular drum (sometimes you had to help the overcome the inertia of a big load, a stick was provided for the purpose)
A heater the evaporated away any liquid, leaving a solid cake, every so often the drum was detached, and taken outside, cake was sprayed with some sort of neutralising stuff then spread on the garden.
The system had trouble coping with too much liquid so beer drinking males were encouraged to go outside.
You did your business onto a disc, once finished, press a button, the disc span, flinging waste into a circular drum (sometimes you had to help the overcome the inertia of a big load, a stick was provided for the purpose)
A heater the evaporated away any liquid, leaving a solid cake, every so often the drum was detached, and taken outside, cake was sprayed with some sort of neutralising stuff then spread on the garden.
The system had trouble coping with too much liquid so beer drinking males were encouraged to go outside.
colin_p said:
As the OP it warms my heart to know that I'm not alone thinking and knowing modern bogs being crap. From of the anecdotes I've read have literally had me in tears and put my own efforts to shame.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
hyphen said:
colin_p said:
As the OP it warms my heart to know that I'm not alone thinking and knowing modern bogs being crap.
Are all modern toilets crap though, or is it a case of the cheaper ones being crap?Rawwr said:
"This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33. Now, this little babe can cope with anything - and I mean anything. Earlier on, I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake; let’s take a look! Not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board."
Water way to have a good timeyellowjack said:
I don't know where they stand in the sanitary appliance order of merit, but my crappy crapper was made by Villeroy & Boch. Maybe their product is rubbish, or maybe the installation wasn't as it should be? I don't really know. But I do know that a properly designed, manufactured, and installed WC pan shouldn't need to be subject to a "no solids" rule. To my mind that makes it unfit for it's purpose...
I moved from a rental flat where 'it' constantly got stuck to a house with an old loo with no issues at anytime.Can't put a price on that!
Rawwr said:
You missed a subsection:
8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
Swanny87 said:
Don't forget you'll glue nice shiny blue passports as well!
I've never given any thought to eating a passport.Up and down the land, any self respecting Brexit voting Alpha will at the first opportunity be wiping their arse with the old maroon ones though.
[edit] Talking of which, areoplane toilets. Do it right and you will quickly find yourself Dominating a 747.
Edited by colin_p on Thursday 15th March 13:00
colin_p said:
I've never given any thought to eating a passport.
Up and down the land, any self respecting Brexit voting Alpha will at the first opportunity be wiping their arse with the old maroon ones though.
[edit] Talking of which, areoplane toilets. Do it right and you will quickly find yourself Dominating a 747.
Just make sure you crop dust the aisle as you make your way to the bog.Up and down the land, any self respecting Brexit voting Alpha will at the first opportunity be wiping their arse with the old maroon ones though.
[edit] Talking of which, areoplane toilets. Do it right and you will quickly find yourself Dominating a 747.
Edited by colin_p on Thursday 15th March 13:00
Apparently you can find pointers to help you select an appropriate toilet from here.
http://www.map-testing.com/consumer-household-toil...
An epic thread for many reasons.
http://www.map-testing.com/consumer-household-toil...
An epic thread for many reasons.
gottans said:
Apparently you can find pointers to help you select an appropriate toilet from here.
http://www.map-testing.com/consumer-household-toil...
An epic thread for many reasons.
Nice link.http://www.map-testing.com/consumer-household-toil...
An epic thread for many reasons.
I've never ever eaten a single Golf ball, let alone crapped out 20 of them and tried to flush them away.
Bring a whole new meaning to shouting "four".
As I've said above a bucket of savaloys and mushey peas would be a better test.
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