Modern toilets cannot cope
Discussion
TVR Moneypit said:
Gad-Westy said:
Notwithstanding. Our office toilet is pathetic. Open office. Little toilet in the corner. Flush can be heard across entire office. Walk of shame having just submitted a quadruple flusher.
Or the walk of honour?At least flushing four times isn't anywhere near as bad as having to fetch several buckets of hot water whilst shouting "[i]just go you b
d![i/]" as the dump just sits there, laughing at your feeble attempts to dislodge it.TVR Moneypit said:
parabolica said:
TVR Moneypit said:
Gad-Westy said:
Notwithstanding. Our office toilet is pathetic. Open office. Little toilet in the corner. Flush can be heard across entire office. Walk of shame having just submitted a quadruple flusher.
Or the walk of honour?At least flushing four times isn't anywhere near as bad as having to fetch several buckets of hot water whilst shouting "[i]just go you b
d![i/]" as the dump just sits there, laughing at your feeble attempts to dislodge it.
And then the look of horror on Moiras face as you hand them back unwashed.
I'm fortunate that all my toilets (bar the one hooked up to a saniflo, which I prefer not to st in) are more than capable of handling the gargantuan logs that are propelled into them (incidentally, isn't there something immensely satisfying about firing something at such a speed that it self flushes?)
Also, I think women don't get enough credit - my Girlfriend was the one who would almost always block the toilet in our old house. We lost a good many wire coat hangers...
t in) are more than capable of handling the gargantuan logs that are propelled into them (incidentally, isn't there something immensely satisfying about firing something at such a speed that it self flushes?)Also, I think women don't get enough credit - my Girlfriend was the one who would almost always block the toilet in our old house. We lost a good many wire coat hangers...
Both my toilets can cope, pre-dating these new rules etc
My problem is the tiny amount of room that some people allocate as a toilet. My downstairs toilet is only marginally bigger than going to the toilet on an aeroplane, there is no chance of me doing anything which requires sitting down in there as there is nowhere suitable to put either of my legs. This problem permeates other places as well, with all these conversions done to a minimum spec etc. The other good thing about going to the proper upstairs bathroom is that I can of course have the window open the whole time and all the smells waft away
My problem is the tiny amount of room that some people allocate as a toilet. My downstairs toilet is only marginally bigger than going to the toilet on an aeroplane, there is no chance of me doing anything which requires sitting down in there as there is nowhere suitable to put either of my legs. This problem permeates other places as well, with all these conversions done to a minimum spec etc. The other good thing about going to the proper upstairs bathroom is that I can of course have the window open the whole time and all the smells waft away
On a slightly related tone...
Wife and I once went round to another couple's house for dinner. Lovely meal. Hostess disappears for a few minutes between courses, I assumed to the kitchen, so I thought I'd nip to the loo while the going was good. Only a number 1 I hasten to add. Anyway, turns out she'd actually been in the bog not the kitchen and was coming out just as I got to the bathroom. Nothing amiss as I approach the throne. No bad smells lingering. But when I lifted the lid the hunt for the brown October was over. Massive brown log firmly lodged in the bottom of the pan. I gave the toilet a quick flush to see if I might get lucky. Didn't move a mm. Could hear voices outside, the husband waiting to have a wizz. So now, me, who's innocently snuck away for a quick piss has a choice of either shaming the guy's wife (a small shy type) or dealing with this monster. Had to spend a good 5 minutes tackling that thing with the toilet brush. Then trying to clean the debris off the brush. Then everyone wondering why I'd been in the bog so long. Bloody awful night.
Wife and I once went round to another couple's house for dinner. Lovely meal. Hostess disappears for a few minutes between courses, I assumed to the kitchen, so I thought I'd nip to the loo while the going was good. Only a number 1 I hasten to add. Anyway, turns out she'd actually been in the bog not the kitchen and was coming out just as I got to the bathroom. Nothing amiss as I approach the throne. No bad smells lingering. But when I lifted the lid the hunt for the brown October was over. Massive brown log firmly lodged in the bottom of the pan. I gave the toilet a quick flush to see if I might get lucky. Didn't move a mm. Could hear voices outside, the husband waiting to have a wizz. So now, me, who's innocently snuck away for a quick piss has a choice of either shaming the guy's wife (a small shy type) or dealing with this monster. Had to spend a good 5 minutes tackling that thing with the toilet brush. Then trying to clean the debris off the brush. Then everyone wondering why I'd been in the bog so long. Bloody awful night.
TVR Moneypit said:
At the last nick I was at I went to drop off a load and inevitably blocked it up. It was one of those satisfying poo's that comes out in a long clean coil, right up to the point that you're having to start to stand up before you've finished as the turd is so long and has already reached the bottom of the pan. Several large 20 litre buckets of hot water later and the dam thing still wouldn't shift.
There was nothing else for it, I had to go and report the written off toilet to the Officer on duty on the wing. To add insult to injury, the Officer in question was the quite cute Miss Saul and as I was informing her of the damage I'd done, I did a loud fart
Unfortunately for the other 21 guys on my landing, there was only three stalls, (now down to two operational ones), and quite often first thing in the morning they'd be quite a cue to use the crappers and as the incident had happened late on a Friday afternoon, GeoAmey wouldn't be out to 'fix' the problem until Monday.
It didn't matter how many josh sticks were burnt over that weekend, the landing f
king stank as my beast of a turd fermented in the mid summer heat. Needless to say I got plenty of grief of of the other lads on my landing and the one above as the stench made its way upstairs.On the Monday lunchtime when GeoAmey eventually turned up to deal with the incident I was sat in my room after lunch smoking a cigarette with the door wide open. My room was opposite the toilets. As soon as the fire doors opened at the end of the landing I could hear the GeoAmey maintenance guys complaining about the smell, (the toilet windows didn't open for security purposes). As they walked into the cesspit of the toilets and opened the door for trap three, one of them threw up, such was the sensory overload that hit him.
I took the opportunity to go into the toilets for a leak and complain to GeoAmey about some of the animals that live on the landing
Jack Whithall's Spanish Restaurant story still makes me chuckle.
http://rebrn.com/re/the-best-language-barrier-stor...
http://rebrn.com/re/the-best-language-barrier-stor...
Triumph Man said:
Incidentally, isn't there something immensely satisfying about firing something at such a speed that it self flushes?
I've never had the pleasure 
Triump Man said:
Also, I think women don't get enough credit - my Girlfriend was the one who would almost always block the toilet in our old house
By the number of posts across PH on womens' loos and the state of them - except the weird tosser who proudly wrote that he laid a cable in the ladies' loos every morning so it could be found when people came in 
- what they hell do they look like and what do women eat to make such a mess?talking of language barriers, when I travelled with my job, I had some experiences in foreign traps, the most notorious of which involved blocking a small-throated bog in china.
after several adjustment burgers in hong kong to prepare my digestive tract for a week's work, I capitulated at the hotel one night with the monster of all logs. one flush later just left a level pan full of water with the blind brown otter nestled at the bottom.
trying to ask for a bog brush at reception was certainly a linguistic challenge that ended up like some faecal charades. the petite young receptionist didn't understand and asked to "come and have a look". wanting to save her modesty (and petite nostrils) clearly I had to improvise and take this one on alone. back up in the room, I scanned for utensils. the coat hangers were out of bounds due to being mated into the hanging rail. the shoehorn was at best, bendy, and not man enough to dechunk. there was a carrier bag in the bin for sanitary purposes but this was an emergency. however it was full of holes and was ruled out.
in the end i considered putting my arm straight in to attempting a squishing thought this would have left me with a "truckers tanline" which I didnt really want
i eventually settled on using a towel from the laundry set to wedge into the pan, and yank out quickly. I remembered GCSE physics taught me about creating vacuums, thereby hoping this action would suck both the pan full of water and offender away.
good theory?
in essence, all that happened by pulling wet towels out of the bog quickly, was that I recreated a far eastern version of "spud" snatching the bedsheets from trainspotting.
the damage was not confined to the toilet area, think pebble dashed the walls of the bathroom and, out into the suite, most of the wardrobe doors with a tasteful watery brown mark adding to the decor. I cleaned the walls and mirrors but left 3 soggy towels in the bath. Oh and a turd for the maid to handle in the morning.
I never did stay at the hyatt towers shanghai again.
after several adjustment burgers in hong kong to prepare my digestive tract for a week's work, I capitulated at the hotel one night with the monster of all logs. one flush later just left a level pan full of water with the blind brown otter nestled at the bottom.
trying to ask for a bog brush at reception was certainly a linguistic challenge that ended up like some faecal charades. the petite young receptionist didn't understand and asked to "come and have a look". wanting to save her modesty (and petite nostrils) clearly I had to improvise and take this one on alone. back up in the room, I scanned for utensils. the coat hangers were out of bounds due to being mated into the hanging rail. the shoehorn was at best, bendy, and not man enough to dechunk. there was a carrier bag in the bin for sanitary purposes but this was an emergency. however it was full of holes and was ruled out.
in the end i considered putting my arm straight in to attempting a squishing thought this would have left me with a "truckers tanline" which I didnt really want
i eventually settled on using a towel from the laundry set to wedge into the pan, and yank out quickly. I remembered GCSE physics taught me about creating vacuums, thereby hoping this action would suck both the pan full of water and offender away.
good theory?
in essence, all that happened by pulling wet towels out of the bog quickly, was that I recreated a far eastern version of "spud" snatching the bedsheets from trainspotting.
the damage was not confined to the toilet area, think pebble dashed the walls of the bathroom and, out into the suite, most of the wardrobe doors with a tasteful watery brown mark adding to the decor. I cleaned the walls and mirrors but left 3 soggy towels in the bath. Oh and a turd for the maid to handle in the morning.
I never did stay at the hyatt towers shanghai again.
Perhaps time for the famous 'team stty socks ' tale
A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
tty socks ' tale A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
TVR Moneypit said:
oilbethere said:
TVR Moneypit said:
When I tell you that my big daddys can quite often be the length of your forearm and the girth of your wrist, I'm sadly not joking.
Prison pussy?
My rectum is a one way street.
Mind you, I have seen guys smuggle i-Phones into the nick up their botties.
Years ago, I was on a waste transfer station on part of the site that is now the Bluewater shoppinghell complex. We'd gone down to install a waste handling machine. After tea break, I asked where the loo was and was directed to the portacabin adjacent to the office (also a portakabin).
The 'toilet' was a stock, standard portakabin office, no frosted glass, and empty save for one very shoddily installed crapper. Fortunately, I was only in for a number one, because there was a sign on the wall next to said convenience:
The 'toilet' was a stock, standard portakabin office, no frosted glass, and empty save for one very shoddily installed crapper. Fortunately, I was only in for a number one, because there was a sign on the wall next to said convenience:
the sign said:
PLEASE DO NOT SH*T IN THIS BOG
It is not equipped to deal with turds.
It is not equipped to deal with turds.
BryanC said:
Perhaps time for the famous 'team stty socks ' tale
A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
Oh that is ftty socks ' tale A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
king tremendous, nothing cracks me up like dump anecdotes.“Ten yards later the demon turd made its presence felt again, and again I slammed my a
hole shut, hoping that I hadn’t beheaded the fker in the process”Oh lordy that made me well up with laughter
2 days ago i had a monster of a poo block the main bathroom toilet, nar worries, it usually takes a number of flushes and away she goes.
Not this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the bd!
Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
Not this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the b
d!Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
Gary29 said:
My toilet at home is crap (pun) it won't even take my mrs' turds, never mind my king kong fingers. I tend to go at work daily, and the bogs there are decent and seem to take whatever monstrosity you throw at them in their stride, and we have some real 'characters' working with us, I've yet to see one blocked.
If caught short at home and I can sense it's going to be 'eventful', I'll 'pinch' a cable at regular intervals and courtesy flush as I go.
Drink more water and eat more fruit chaps.
Ah, the old pinch and flush technique, the sign of a professional crapper, can result in excessive splashback though.If caught short at home and I can sense it's going to be 'eventful', I'll 'pinch' a cable at regular intervals and courtesy flush as I go.
Drink more water and eat more fruit chaps.
A word of warning for those who rise to see Nessie reclining in the pot.
I'd been to that pretty village in Somerset, Easton in Gordano but an unexpected post-strain visit from fissure in ano was horrendous.
Blood, ferocious pain and yet more claret. We know that a split ring can be useful.. But only in the workshop, trust me.
The doc wouldn't even put her finger in that particular pie. It would've been agonising.
The fix was Botox, injected into the fundament under general anaesthetic. It worked but believe me, it isn't worth it as a way of getting a catwalk-quality chuff.
Get some roughage or suffer.
I'd been to that pretty village in Somerset, Easton in Gordano but an unexpected post-strain visit from fissure in ano was horrendous.
Blood, ferocious pain and yet more claret. We know that a split ring can be useful.. But only in the workshop, trust me.
The doc wouldn't even put her finger in that particular pie. It would've been agonising.
The fix was Botox, injected into the fundament under general anaesthetic. It worked but believe me, it isn't worth it as a way of getting a catwalk-quality chuff.
Get some roughage or suffer.
BryanC said:
Perhaps time for the famous 'team stty socks ' tale
A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
tty socks ' tale A legend since published in 2006 but there might be a few who missed a le mans encounter with the French long drops.
Also a timely reminder for those planning a trip onto the continent this summer.
http://www.lemans2006.co.uk/socks.htm
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff