Modern toilets cannot cope
Discussion
Dog Star said:
I live in East Lancashire. My back garden is a steep slope - it's the base of a Pennine. We have so much water, so much never ending rain, a perpetual deluge that I really cannot see why I should have my water use policy dictated by Londoners who have to drink recycled piss - same goes for transport policy. I should have a 500 litre cistern 
Clitheroe?dazwalsh said:
2 days ago i had a monster of a poo block the main bathroom toilet, nar worries, it usually takes a number of flushes and away she goes.
Not this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the b
d!
Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
Here's a suggestionNot this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the b
d!Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
You may need an extension cord but they're quite agressive.
As the OP it warms my heart to know that I'm not alone thinking and knowing modern bogs being crap. From of the anecdotes I've read have literally had me in tears and put my own efforts to shame.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
colin_p said:
As the OP it warms my heart to know that I'm not alone thinking and knowing modern bogs being crap. From of the anecdotes I've read have literally had me in tears and put my own efforts to shame.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
What is worrying though is that there have been some Betas posting who maybe are unsure how to crap like a champion. Hopefully with the help all you fellow Alpha crappers we can help the Beta crappers DOMINATE the toilet.
Genrally;
1, Never rush, it is perfectly acceptble to spend at least 45 minutes having a proper clear out.
2, Sit on the pot until you get pins and needles but not so badly that you collapse on the floor when you stand up.
3, Never pass the time on the pot with a smartphone playing candycrush. Instead take a Haynes manual or 1997 (or older and even more out of date) AA road atlas in there and learn something. Smartphones are ok at work but only if you play "World of Tanks".
At home;
4, If you are unsure if your toilet is a modern problem one and are unable to produce the neccessary, go to the chip shop buy half a dozen savaloys, three tubs of mushy peas, three tubs of curry sauce and a chicken and mushroom pie. When you get home combine all of the stuff from the chippy into a bucket except the chiken and mushroom pie, eat that as they are lush. Stir it all up in the bucket and then horse the whole lot down the toilet pan in one go. Behold the mess for a few moments and then try and flush it away. A crap crapper will not be able to do this in one go.
5, Never crap at home if you can help it. There is nothing more joyous than crapping and being paid for it at work. Well built company director types may raise an eyebrow at this but we all know that they have clever accountants who make sure their crapping time is tax deductable so don't give s**t about their raised eyebrows.
At work;
6, This is where your crapping can make a massive difference and lead to fast promotions and pay rises.
7, Dominate the bogs, always chose trap one, never hide away in the corner in trap four.
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
9, Quite often others will enter the bogs to use the urinals and are hit square in the face by the stinking brown cloud. Never stay in the trap and wait until they have gone. Wipe [*] as neccessary, pull your cacks up fling open the door and head off to the sinks to wash your hands without a care in the world. Always use eight plus paper hand towels to dry your hands and pull them out of the dispenser in one clump.
I'm sure other Alpha crappers will have many more helpful tips to add.
[*] A note on wiping; the holy grail is to achieve the "Ace" where you wipe once and don't need to do so again as the paper is clean. As with any type of holy grail event, these are quite rare.
dazwalsh said:
2 days ago i had a monster of a poo block the main bathroom toilet, nar worries, it usually takes a number of flushes and away she goes.
Not this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the bd!
Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
If she feels this way then let HER clear the blockage! Not this time, and to make matters worse my daughter has gone in multiple times for a wee, used half a toilet roll like her mother each time and my 3 yr old lad has gone in both mornings since and added to the monster dump with his very own mini monsters, just sat on top of the brown tissue mess.
The hope of it clearing itself is diminishing fast, and i may be forced to go elbow deep in a leak free rubble sack and do some squishing and digging to get it all cleared, thats a vomit inducing thought, and i am praying to the name of every god which appears on a google search that i am spared of such a horrific task.
PS. I would use the loo brush but the mrs informs me its new and she doesnt want me destroying it yet.
Funny tale how we artived at a new one. The head fell off he old one as i rummaged about in the toilet trying to break up my mates poo who had left a disgusting otter in the downstairs bog the last time he was round for xbox and rum, the b
d!Dont worry, i plan to retrn the favour on the away leg at his house, only this time an otter of my own will be swimming about in the cistern rather than the pan.
The Nur said:
colin_p said:
*assorted wisdom*
You forgot something. To truly assert your dominance, leave the door open at all times and if possible, conduct a conversation with an unsuspecting fellow user of the facilities. Maintain constant eye contact.
FN2TypeR said:
DoctorX said:
Our work bog has no windows and PIR activated lights with a 10 minute timer. The sensor is out of range of the trap. Total darkness. bds.
I feel your pain; internet browsing on my mobile phone has often ended in said darkness ds. 
Perhaps you could use the opportunity, in conjunction with the passionate gremlim, to do a health and safety presentation about. A fully featured powerpoint with photos with the Macc Lads song, "Dan's big log" playing in the background. And pepper with Star Trek jokes about the Captains log and Number One being ordered to take a number two et al.
Failing that you could do a health and safety "moment" at the start of a meeting as is the trend these days and call it "Trapped in trap one".
colin_p said:
The Nur said:
colin_p said:
*assorted wisdom*
You forgot something. To truly assert your dominance, leave the door open at all times and if possible, conduct a conversation with an unsuspecting fellow user of the facilities. Maintain constant eye contact.
The barracks was built in the 1930s I think, in the run up to WWII. Each stall had about one third of a door, hung mid-way up the frame, so that your feet and head were clearly visible to other users of 'The Ablutions' while you did your business. The only "privacy" was around your nethers while you sat and shat, and while you wiped. I have a feeling that it was meant to deter us young lads from any form of self-abuse during the period we were confined to barracks (which was about the first six months, aside from leave periods. Rows of showers without curtains too, and not a single bath to be found. Weirdly, looking back on it now, it doesn't seem quite as grim as it sounds, which is only slightly less grim than the barracks in the first half of Full Metal Jacket...
colin_p said:
8, Let it go and blast away as soon as is possible, but never rush, do not wait for the bogs to be empty. The massive echo of a ring rattling pre crap fart will also intimidate any Beta hiding away in trap four. Cough, fart, crap and splashdown like a boss as you soon will be if you crap like one!
You missed a subsection:8a. If you yourself are enjoying a particularly girthy loaf and you hear someone rattle off a horse-choking fart in one of the other cubicles, be sure to acknowledge and confirm your alpha status on termination of their gas by shouting; "I'll name that tune in one."
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