Messing yourself....

[RedWhiteMonkey]

My wife is a teacher and a colleague of hers had a kid st himself in class yesterday. Poor kid ain’t going to live that one down any time soon.

[carguy45]

RedWhiteMonkey said:

My wife is a teacher and a colleague of hers had a kid st himself in class yesterday. Poor kid ain’t going to live that one down any time soon.

Indeed, kids have brutal abilities of recollection for things like that.

Have any of you ever seen that video where some student spiked the drinks or something in the school with laxatives and kids are literally having to use plant pots and any other available repositories? Funny and horrifying all at once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH9y_fVVmVA

[J4CKO]

RedWhiteMonkey said:

My wife is a teacher and a colleague of hers had a kid st himself in class yesterday. Poor kid ain’t going to live that one down any time soon.

39 years and counting for one kid at school, A lad called Whittaker shat himself (admittedly not the first time) so instant nick name coined of "sttaker", someone on FB was reminiscing about Junior school and a class picture popped up and we were naming all we could remember, I stopped myself at saying "sttaker" for some reason. He was the "Kenny" from South Park poor kid, hand me down clothes, sometimes ponged a bit (even when not covered in his own crap), free lunches, borrowed PE kit etc

Anyway, I hadnt heard of sttaker since maybe the mid eighties, never bumped into him, nobody knew him any more, I am glad I stopped short at using that name as up he popped on Facebook and commented on the same picture

I remember doing comprehension in English and we had to work a word into a sentence and my moment came, the teacher ask for volunteers to make a sentence, "Ok, who can give me a sentence with Undeterred in it", I put my hand up and said "Kevin was Undeterred" but I kind of hyphenated Undeterred with a pause so it sounded like "Undy Turd", teacher got it immediately, smirked briefly and said "very good", in a moving on kind of thing then the rest of the class got it and chaos ensued, Kevin was a bit dim so just grinned and didnt really get it, the teacher cracked and had a laugh, couldnt help himself, mainly as he had dealt with Kevins latest problem. I saw him years later and he mentioned it and said it was a tale he had recounted on occasion.

[BigMon]

Bought a duck and hoisin sauce wrap from Waitrose. Sat on the park bench to eat it and, after about half of it, looked down my fleece and wondered what that large stain was. All the sauce must have been at the bottom of the wrap and each bite squirted it down my top.

Was drinking a pint of milk on the bus on the way in work (many years ago) and my throat tightened like a camel's arse in sandstorm as I had a brimming mouthful of milk. Panicked, coughed and spat the entire mouthful of milk all over the woman on the seat in front of me. I apologised about 1000 times and offered to pay to dryclean her clothing but I think she was so traumatised she couldn't process anything beyond the fact I'd spat milk all over her.

Put a full pint of beer on a table with a rail running all the way around the bottom of it, then went to walk back to bar. I was wearing Dr Martens (essential student gear) and the sole has a lip on it. Somehow managed to catch the rail with the lip of the sole and knocked the full pint of beer in the lap of the bloke on the bench seat next to our table.

There are probably other examples too that I've forgotten in my shame. I am tall, very clumsy and Sod's law dictates that things seem to happen to you that wouldn't happen to other people (even when you're concentrating hard to try and prevent things happening).

[Berkshire bred]

2 litre bottle of fizz on the passenger seat of my mx5, I have to touch the brakes and it slides of the seat into the passenger foot well. I think 'fk it' and leave there to get it once home. I then forget about it and give it a boot full at the next opportunity, bottle of fizz shoots back into the seat rail which puts a hole into the bottle. fking everywhere is where it went, over the entire interior, all glass and covering me, I'm still driving as this happens, sod all I can do as I can't see or reach the bd, also it's dark. Pulled over and indiscriminatly threw the fker out the car. Nothing to clean anything with so had to drive home like it. As you can imagine I was swearing considerably. When I made the mistake of reciting my misfortune everyone found it highly amusing.

[GC8]

J4CKO said:

rfisher said:

Google dyspraxia.

Yeah, I am obviously dyspraxic based on three events, two of which were me over a fifteen plus year period.

And... most people know very well what dyspraxia is and do not need to 'Google' it. Stop being SO forum, you bell-end.

[Herr Schnell]

carguy45 said:

RedWhiteMonkey said:

My wife is a teacher and a colleague of hers had a kid st himself in class yesterday. Poor kid ain’t going to live that one down any time soon.

Indeed, kids have brutal abilities of recollection for things like that.

Have any of you ever seen that video where some student spiked the drinks or something in the school with laxatives and kids are literally having to use plant pots and any other available repositories? Funny and horrifying all at once.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH9y_fVVmVA

I hate to break it to you but that video was a teaser for season 2 of American Vandal on Netflix:

http://collider.com/american-vandal-season-2-revie...

[carguy45]

Herr Schnell said:

I hate to break it to you but that video was a teaser for season 2 of American Vandal on Netflix:

http://collider.com/american-vandal-season-2-revie...

My mate showed it to me few weeks ago on phone and I thought it was real. Actually slightly relieved now

[Silverbullet767]

Berkshire bred said:

2 litre bottle of fizz on the passenger seat of my mx5, I have to touch the brakes and it slides of the seat into the passenger foot well. I think 'fk it' and leave there to get it once home. I then forget about it and give it a boot full at the next opportunity, bottle of fizz shoots back into the seat rail which puts a hole into the bottle. fking everywhere is where it went, over the entire interior, all glass and covering me, I'm still driving as this happens, sod all I can do as I can't see or reach the bd, also it's dark. Pulled over and indiscriminatly threw the fker out the car. Nothing to clean anything with so had to drive home like it. As you can imagine I was swearing considerably. When I made the mistake of reciting my misfortune everyone found it highly amusing.

To be fair, that IS funny.

[prand]

BigMon said:

Was drinking a pint of milk...and my throat tightened like a camel's arse in sandstorm

Can I ask how/why that happened?

[Ej74]

Before you say anything I know.

I was having a roast dinner on the sofa with piping gravy managed to spill the gravy over my belly (note I was not wearing a shirt)
Self inflicted gravy belly burn not pleasant

[BigMon]

prand said:

BigMon said:

Was drinking a pint of milk...and my throat tightened like a camel's arse in sandstorm

Can I ask how/why that happened?

I wish I could tell you! Somehow managed to start choking while I had a mouthful of milk.

I've had it happen a few times when liquid goes down 'the wrong hole' and I've had to spit it out and then had a coughing fit.

It was almost 30 years ago so I can't remember every minute point but I can clearly remember the incident as it was so embarrassing.

[squareflops]

Out for a meal in Poland (Moment Resto Bar in Krakow if anyone wants to know, lovely place) First drink of the evening was a pint of zywiec, 2nd drink was an espresso martini (I'm on holiday; why not..) Can't put it down to anything accept not being accustomed to drinking from such an oddly shaped glass but I totally missed my face as I went to take my first slurp, came up short and emptied most of it down my new-that-night crisp white short sleeved smart casual shirt and into the crouch of my new jeans. I really don't like starting an evening covered in coffee stains and damp but regardless it went on to be one of the best nights in recent memory.

And I still thoroughly recommend Krakow

[morgs_]

Have got various food and drink down myself over the years, but one of the best/worst involved blue T-Cut.

The bottle hadn't been used for a while so I was giving it a good shake, must have been slightly distracted and gripped the bottle too hard as I was shaking it. I was being pretty vigorous at this point and it went everywhere, all over my black jacket and trousers. Looked like a Smurf had spunked over me. Sympathy was of course high from those who viewed my predicament

[Lazermilk]

Condi said:

Pissed myself on an airplane once, does that count?

irocfan said:

Bloke where I used to work sharted in the canteen

Winners

[Lazermilk]

DanielSan said:

Monkeylegend said:

A cup of Maccie D's coffee. Got a fortune in compo.

This hasn't has the acknowledgement it deserves

Have you seen the pics of the burns?

They look horrific!

There are links in this page to the pics, but be warned!

https://www.finkellaw.com/Blog/2017/July/The-Merit...

[TameRacingDriver]

Dunno whether it really belongs but what the hell...

A few years ago we went straight out to the pub from work on a Thursday night, hence we all had to go in the next day.

My mate said I could crash over at his house so I accepted.

Come the end of the night we got the metro (train) back to where he lived. At the time his estate was being built so much of it still a building site.

He took us on a shortcut but it was very dark and couldn't see where I was going... We got slightly separated when I got this sinking feeling.

I sank up to my chest in cement and had to get my mate to pull me out.

He then (unsurprisingly) made me strip off in his yard where I remained in my boxer shorts all night and then also in his partners car while she gave me a lift the next morning.

I put my clothes back on in the work car park in the morning, and went into the office and was promptly given the day off as naturally I was covered almost from the neck down in dry cement.

Novel way of getting the day off

[Berkshire bred]

carguy45 said:

In fairness, I spent about an hour in the shower each time scrubbing like a man possessed lol

Well that's what he told the Mrs he was doing anyway

[J4CKO]

morgs_ said:

Have got various food and drink down myself over the years, but one of the best/worst involved blue T-Cut.

The bottle hadn't been used for a while so I was giving it a good shake, must have been slightly distracted and gripped the bottle too hard as I was shaking it. I was being pretty vigorous at this point and it went everywhere, all over my black jacket and trousers. Looked like a Smurf had spunked over me. Sympathy was of course high from those who viewed my predicament

Do Smurfs have acrid smelling, yellow, abrasive semen ?

[morgs_]

J4CKO said:

morgs_ said:

Have got various food and drink down myself over the years, but one of the best/worst involved blue T-Cut.

The bottle hadn't been used for a while so I was giving it a good shake, must have been slightly distracted and gripped the bottle too hard as I was shaking it. I was being pretty vigorous at this point and it went everywhere, all over my black jacket and trousers. Looked like a Smurf had spunked over me. Sympathy was of course high from those who viewed my predicament

Do Smurfs have acrid smelling, yellow, abrasive semen ?

No, blue semen ^^