Experience with extra marital affairs!

Experience with extra marital affairs!

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Otispunkmeyer

10,054 posts

105 months

Friday 18th January 2019
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Sorry no help, but as I was reading that I was going to ask if I know you because I have a friend who has had the exact same thing happen to him. Though they didn't have kids.

But married for ages, she was off here there and everywhere with work and now shacks up with the guy she was travelling with (who might have been her boss I think).

Petrus1983

3,038 posts

112 months

Friday 18th January 2019
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enzozidanedragan said:
Petrus1983 said:
It’s over. Keep it civil but also appreciate that women often play mean over these things - even when they’re in the wrong.
I am the woman, it’s my husband who’s been having the affair
Just seen this - apologies for naughty assumptions!

Sa Calobra

28,939 posts

161 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Emmapuma said:
Speaking from experience, you will never EVER trust him again. You would only be lying to yourself if you said you could.

My ex husband had an affair with a work colleague of his - began in a very similar way, bit of flirting, inflating his ego, coming onto him etc. One thing led to another and the started a relationship behind my back. I only found out because he wanted to be with her and his guilty conscious and cowardice meant that he text me to tell me.

Anyway, I so desperately wanted it to work - I loved the man and took my wedding vows seriously and ultimately we gave it another go. The feeling of not trusting him whilst I knew he was at work with her was incredibly unbearable and I ended up ending our relationship in order to save my sanity.

The emotional scars he has given me still lie deep, I have had insecurity issues ever since. I am very lucky that I have since met a wonderful man who was in a similar situation to myself so he has been extremely patient when I have my 'moments' (which are becoming quite rare now thankfully!)
Just to muddy the waters: I had an affair and ended it. I married my long-term partner three years ago. I haven't strayed since and there is massive opportunity at work but I'm not interested.

I'm allowed to go where I want whenever with no checks.

There are many reasons why someone strays.

eltawater

1,985 posts

129 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Otispunkmeyer said:
Sorry no help, but as I was reading that I was going to ask if I know you because I have a friend who has had the exact same thing happen to him. Though they didn't have kids.

But married for ages, she was off here there and everywhere with work and now shacks up with the guy she was travelling with (who might have been her boss I think).
Unlikely given that the OP is a She and it's her hubby who has been doing the travelling smile

theboss

4,600 posts

169 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Sa Calobra said:
Just to muddy the waters: I had an affair and ended it. I married my long-term partner three years ago. I haven't strayed since and there is massive opportunity at work but I'm not interested.

I'm allowed to go where I want whenever with no checks.

There are many reasons why someone strays.
Does your partner know about the affair?

ApOrbital

6,957 posts

68 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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And how old was he?

Thesprucegoose

20,516 posts

145 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Trust has gone, if he had fessed up you could at leat trust a bit of what he said. It's clear he wants his cake and eat it, is this the first affiar maybe not. I would leave him and move on, it really is a waste of time staying together now.

Sa Calobra

28,939 posts

161 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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theboss said:
Does your partner know about the affair?
Well yes. 40 at the time.

There was only one.

Sa Calobra

28,939 posts

161 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Sometimes trust is something that the person cheated holds and decides if they can give it again.

Would I? Difficult to answer unless I was in that situation.

Not all of life is black and white.

Howitzer

2,689 posts

166 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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I travel for 6 months of the year in some good places but mainly pretty rubbish places.

Africa, Europe, asia, I'm currently sat in Asuganj in Bangladesh.

I've had women sent to my room asking if I want a massage, I've been told of cheap rates, one time in Nigeria working on Snake Island the security team have a folder with known safe prostitutes that are allowed in by boat at the weekend laugh . I even had to buy a prostitute to sit at the same table as me and a colleague at a hotel bar as otherwise every 5 minutes you were pestered by ladies of the night.

There is huge temptation when travelling but knowing you shouldn't get caught surely can't be a reason to do it? I've never succumb and never will, I have what I want at home.

If you can genuinely forgive then go for it, but I know if when I was away my wife cheated on me, I'd never be able to not wonder if the same was happening again.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I hope it works out as well as possible but don't be naïve and do voice any issues you have or this will just go on and on.

Good luck!

Dave!

theboss

4,600 posts

169 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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Sa Calobra said:
Sometimes trust is something that the person cheated holds and decides if they can give it again.

Would I? Difficult to answer unless I was in that situation.

Not all of life is black and white.
For me it would all come down to how much was at stake e.g. family/kids, and the sincerity of the person who breached trust in terms of whether they truly wanted to recommit to the relationship.

I made the “mistake” of trying to repair my first marriage after an indescretion - my intentions were sound because I genuinely wanted to hold our family unit together and repair the relationship - but I effectively allowed her to continue maintaining secrecy. If it’s obvious she’s on her phone texting 24/7 in the aftermath of an affair, and she refuses to reveal what’s going on, there has to be zero tolerance whereas I think I just buried my head in the sand because I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing. (All whilst being cast as “controlling”, “paranoid” etc)

A partner who was truly contrite and dedicated to repairing the relationship would understand the need for a little more transparency than might have been the previous norm.

Edited by theboss on Saturday 19th January 12:48

Sa Calobra

28,939 posts

161 months

Saturday 19th January 2019
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That's the thing. I was through, done. It all started with a newborn bickering non stop and didn't stop.

No texting, no calls, no swipe right(?) etc.

robm3

4,637 posts

177 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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Ah. This is my wife. I was the one who did the cheating. And I've only just stumbled across this thread!!!
I was searching for some pearls of wisdom from an earlier thread when I saw this one!
She posted on here because I used to post a bit, but much less now. Not sure why she did really.

There's always another side to the story, you'll forgive me if won't share mine, and the marriage was decent for sure, but deep down I wasn't happy.

The travel was hard, i'd done it for years but I was lonely. I suppose I had a lot of opportunity to cheat, it's not hard, but it wasn't something I'd considered and certainly never actively went looking for it.
But then I met someone who I really liked. I hadn't met someone like that in my life, ever. In retrospect I fell in love with her.
That said, it wasn't right, and it was extremely hard, with massive guilt, so we both ended the affair after a few months.

I then put all my effort into making my marriage work and trying to recapture some of the past joy we'd had, we went to counselling, I didn't travel, we focussed on family, vacations, days out, romantic weekends, dinners etc.. And importantly, I never reached out to the lady I'd had the affair with.

Unfortunately the trust was gone with my wife. Each day was hard. And whereas I used to feel a little unhappy, it became very hard to remain happy and at peace at all.
When you work at something, you get so caught up with trying to make it work, you don't realise if it's even a good idea.
And so a few months back, after about 11 months of trying, I moved out. We are in the process of separation leading to divorce at the end of this year.

I want my wife to be well and happy, I'm extremely sorry for the pain I caused her, my children and our family and friends. And I'm sad she had to post on here.
But I think we will get through this. She's re-ignited her career, has great friends, is financially secure with a great house, and, because it's pistonheads, she's got the Twisted Land Rover Defender 110 and a Mini Cooper JCW convertible!
The children are older too, so I think they're going to be okay.
Our challenge now is to keep things a civil as possible. Not always easy when there's a third person involved I guess.

Anyhow, thank you for your comments and support to my wife through this awful period of her life.

And I do hope she's not on pistonheads anymore!! I don't want this to end up in the 'classic threads' page!

Robm3




FN2TypeR

6,593 posts

43 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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Well that's a turn up for the books hehe

GAjon

3,110 posts

163 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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FN2TypeR said:
Well that's a turn up for the books hehe
Yeah, Mills and Boon.

Rowe

57 posts

72 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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where's the mind-blown emoji?

rufusgti

2,146 posts

142 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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It's like Facebook by here.. biggrin

Dan_1981

14,133 posts

149 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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Blimey. alost a year to the day... who'd a thunked it.

CharlesdeGaulle

11,547 posts

130 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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Re-reading the posts (from the somewhat predictable crowd) at the beginning of the thread offers an interesting case-study in assumption and smart-arsed-ness.

MagicalTrevor

6,339 posts

179 months

Wednesday 22nd January
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Is this the first ever fully complete PH thread?