Match.com (Volume 7)

Match.com (Volume 7)

Author
Discussion

Julessy

31 posts

4 months

Monday 11th November
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Getting a lot of different advice here but I'll be sure to take it all on board. I known someone mentioned something about holidays while I've been abroad and even lived abroad I am very anxious going abroad again after having seizures and being diagnosed with epilepsy the last time I went so I think talking about that is probably a no go for me.

As for mates to go out with I've got a mate who is almost exactly like me personality wise so he struggles with tinder and whatever as well. I have another mate who used to be a bit too flirty with girls and was a bit of a creep but hes got a gf now which he met in london clubbing but it sounds like a crap relationship tbh.

bucksmanuk

1,363 posts

118 months

Monday 11th November
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Julessy said:
Trust me I'm not looking for sympathy or anything lol. Just looking for feedback I guess on how to improve my chat because although theres a few girls on Tinder that are interested in cars I realise most aren't. I tend to do what the average 21 year old does which is watch youtube, netflix etc. I just struggle to get that across when talking. I feel I've improved over the years but I'm still very much an introvert that struggles with speaking fo girls on tinder. I see jobs as a whole different ball game to tinder though, I've had a fair amount of training in college of how to prepare for jobs etc. so I'm not too bad at that. As for self esteem well that may be an issue tbh that's something that varies and some days I feel a lot better about myself than others but that's whatever tbh, I'm just going to take on board the advice from here and attempt to get better at chat.
You want questions and topics for talking to girls?
Here you go…
https://hackspirit.com/103-questions-to-ask-a-girl... it’s a start
Don’t ask anything that can be answered with yes/no/don’t know.
Don't go down negative roads, politics, religion, how crap your life is, subjects women don’t tend to like, sci-fi, wargaming, programming in assembly, tyre construction etc…
Don’t assume that all social interaction with women will/should result in dates.
Join almost any social “gathering” that has a majority of women attending and get used to the patter required. 2/3rds of them will be a waste of time. The problem is you don’t know which 2/3rds until you’ve been.


mjb1

2,298 posts

107 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
Julessy said:
As a new person to this thread I thought I'd share my experience with Tinder. I rarely get matches I had gold at one point and most of the likes I got were fake accounts. I've had tinder for over 2 years, never got a date from it, most I've got is matching someone talking to them for like a day maximum before they get bored of me and unmatch me. The problems I have is that I don't have a huge amount of photos of myself, I'm not 6ft or over which girls like, I'm not a looker and I struggle to talk about anything if the girl isn't interested in cars.

The furthest I've ever got talking to a girl on Tinder was when I was talking to a girl for a few hours and we got into tv programmes we enjoy and I recommended a programme to her, she asked what it was about and I think I went into way too much detail for her that it got boring and she unmatched me. So overall a pretty rubbish experience yet I still swipe through at least a few times a week.
Julessy said:
Trust me I'm not looking for sympathy or anything lol. Just looking for feedback I guess on how to improve my chat because although theres a few girls on Tinder that are interested in cars I realise most aren't. I tend to do what the average 21 year old does which is watch youtube, netflix etc. I just struggle to get that across when talking. I feel I've improved over the years but I'm still very much an introvert that struggles with speaking fo girls on tinder. I see jobs as a whole different ball game to tinder though, I've had a fair amount of training in college of how to prepare for jobs etc. so I'm not too bad at that. As for self esteem well that may be an issue tbh that's something that varies and some days I feel a lot better about myself than others but that's whatever tbh, I'm just going to take on board the advice from here and attempt to get better at chat.
You sound a bit like me, except you've got 20 years more youth on your side, presumably no 'baggage', and you're potentially better looking. I'm going to be a bit brutal here - if your pictures on fb are anything like realistic and what you're using on Tinder, then you need to sharpen yourself up. Probably a bit hypocritical of me, but get a new hairstyle (or at least use some gel or wax, or something). Get a new wardrobe - doesn't have to be designer gear, just smarter/sharper. Get in shape - diet hard, and it sounds like you've got enough free time to hit the gym (or some other regular sport/exercise)?

No way are you going to get a tinder date by chatting about youtube/netflix (apart from perhaps dropping in something with some universal comedy value to lighten the conversation). And as you're probably already aware only about 1 girl in 100 will be interested in chatting about cars. Get some new hobbies (even better if you can combine that with mixed sex or female dominated sport).

Trying to learn the art of conversation/chat up/flirting on Tinder is like jumping in at the deep end to learn how to swim. You want to be doing that in an environment that isn't purely geared around hooking up, somewhere where the pressure isn't so intense and the behaviour so brutal. Maybe try some singles groups on facebook? Not specifically to try and meet someone, more because it's much easier to keep the conversation going when it's in a group. And you can learn a lot from the group interactions between others. The fb groups do tend to be older people than yourself though, but as I said, it's more just to hone your conversation skills than actually meet someone.


Robertj21a

7,248 posts

53 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
mjb1 said:
You sound a bit like me, except you've got 20 years more youth on your side, presumably no 'baggage', and you're potentially better looking. I'm going to be a bit brutal here - if your pictures on fb are anything like realistic and what you're using on Tinder, then you need to sharpen yourself up. Probably a bit hypocritical of me, but get a new hairstyle (or at least use some gel or wax, or something). Get a new wardrobe - doesn't have to be designer gear, just smarter/sharper. Get in shape - diet hard, and it sounds like you've got enough free time to hit the gym (or some other regular sport/exercise)?

No way are you going to get a tinder date by chatting about youtube/netflix (apart from perhaps dropping in something with some universal comedy value to lighten the conversation). And as you're probably already aware only about 1 girl in 100 will be interested in chatting about cars. Get some new hobbies (even better if you can combine that with mixed sex or female dominated sport).

Trying to learn the art of conversation/chat up/flirting on Tinder is like jumping in at the deep end to learn how to swim. You want to be doing that in an environment that isn't purely geared around hooking up, somewhere where the pressure isn't so intense and the behaviour so brutal. Maybe try some singles groups on facebook? Not specifically to try and meet someone, more because it's much easier to keep the conversation going when it's in a group. And you can learn a lot from the group interactions between others. The fb groups do tend to be older people than yourself though, but as I said, it's more just to hone your conversation skills than actually meet someone.
Anyone who comes over as only being interested in cars, Youtube or Netflix is hardly going to attract women !

Women often want someone who is far more outgoing, a good laugh, someone who can join in with any social events - partying, dancing, just drinking - or even shopping !!. Many perfectly ordinary, but lovely, women will be found as work colleagues, or those who also attend gyms, sports facilities, groups set up for all sorts of interests from conservation to world travelling.

Petrus1983

2,799 posts

110 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
hyphen said:
hehe Petrus enjoy the holiday!!
What can go wrong rofl

Blown2CV

22,524 posts

151 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
The Crack Fox said:
Julessy said:
Just looking for feedback I guess on how to improve my chat.
I read somewhere that women use 3 times as many words to say the same thing as a man. Maybe that's sexist, maybe it's wrong, but I think there's some truth in it. I am yet to meet a woman who doesn't like talking about herself. Ask a few questions and let them drive the conversation. It's not about the chat, it's about listening.

Good luck smile
Successful interaction is really about showing you both that you two could have a relationship. It's difficult to explain how to conduct the interaction if it's not clear what might make you of interest to another person. Anyway, It's first about showing them they should care about you, second showing that you give a st about them, and thirdly about some compatibility between you both. Pay attention to their likes, and ask them questions about those things. Offer some things of your own. Answer their questions too.

George Smiley

3,230 posts

29 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
Julessy if someone says they like Netflix and chilling, don't go into a debate about films, I stead ask for their address and suit up

Julessy

31 posts

4 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
mjb1 said:
You sound a bit like me, except you've got 20 years more youth on your side, presumably no 'baggage', and you're potentially better looking. I'm going to be a bit brutal here - if your pictures on fb are anything like realistic and what you're using on Tinder, then you need to sharpen yourself up. Probably a bit hypocritical of me, but get a new hairstyle (or at least use some gel or wax, or something). Get a new wardrobe - doesn't have to be designer gear, just smarter/sharper. Get in shape - diet hard, and it sounds like you've got enough free time to hit the gym (or some other regular sport/exercise)?

No way are you going to get a tinder date by chatting about youtube/netflix (apart from perhaps dropping in something with some universal comedy value to lighten the conversation). And as you're probably already aware only about 1 girl in 100 will be interested in chatting about cars. Get some new hobbies (even better if you can combine that with mixed sex or female dominated sport).

Trying to learn the art of conversation/chat up/flirting on Tinder is like jumping in at the deep end to learn how to swim. You want to be doing that in an environment that isn't purely geared around hooking up, somewhere where the pressure isn't so intense and the behaviour so brutal. Maybe try some singles groups on facebook? Not specifically to try and meet someone, more because it's much easier to keep the conversation going when it's in a group. And you can learn a lot from the group interactions between others. The fb groups do tend to be older people than yourself though, but as I said, it's more just to hone your conversation skills than actually meet someone.
I've debated a new hairstyle a few times I won't lie, I do use wax in my hair if I'm going clubbing (which is rare) or if I'm going down the pub (I used to do that weekly now it's monthly because it became boring and expensive), but there's a few reasons why I haven't
1. I shortened my hair a lot from when I was younger, I used to have long hair
2. I don't know what I want to do with my hair if was to change it
3. Changing hairstyle would mean going to a new barber because my current one is quite old school, and that would make me anxious

As for a new wadrobe I would mainly just change the top half, I used to wear chinos laugh, I wear jeans now though, even ventured into non black colours recently which for me is rare. I basically always wear adidas tops and primark plain white shirts which I admit is very boring but I find it difficult to find anything else that catches my eye in shops. Tbh a lot of girls my age that I actually swipe right on on Tinder are not much more exciting than me, I don't tend to like athletic girls as such, I don't like sports it's boring and I hate doing it. Also I don't have a huge amount of time to go the gym plus finding the motivation to do so would be difficult, I could get up earlier a couple days a week where I don't start work until 11 but when I'm doing cleaning jobs the rest of the day until 7pm I really can't be bothered, plus my mates no longer go the gym so I'd have no one to go with. Don't get me wrong I'd like to lose a bit of weight but honestly my metabolism being high thanks to my tablets I'm on would probably undo all the gym work anyway. I'm also not about to diet, if getting a gf means giving up all the food I like or only having rations of it, I'd rather die a virgin laugh.

The thing is I don't want to change myself too much just for someone else, I want to be myself but also get a girlfriend which seems impossible. From what you're saying I might just get married to my car and be done with it laugh. Seriously though I will take into consideration what you've said but if I do change my appearance it's going to have to be one step at a time.





shirt

19,188 posts

149 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
you are chemicalchaos’ younger brother AICMFP

Carl_Manchester

5,542 posts

210 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all

Some advice for the young 'uns so you don't waste your time.

Tinder is a hook-up app, on Match.com Premium you will find women with careers and an I.Q in 3 digits, these are better for when you are in your 30's unless you like the older woman (and there is nothing wrong with that). I met a bunch of really nice women on there but it is expensive.

The best way to meet in the middle if you are younger, is absolutely to go to single/dating events.

BeAtOne do decent dating/singles evenings, I would start there.

The most unconventional men generally have the most success because they are not afraid of rejection, the acceptance rate for a phone number will be one in 25 - if you are lucky. That means you will need to approach 25 women in order to obtain a lunch date.

You don't need to look like a LoveIsland contestant to have a shot at a date, infact it was hilariously proven the other night, that if you do look like a young, slick, good looking, muscular type of guy you will be thrown in the bin quicker than a toilet roll which has caught fire.

I used to date a young woman who's idea of a great weekday night was to knock out a panel on her MX5 build with a mallet hammer. Another turned up in a brand new white Boxster S - they are out there and there is a bum for every seat.

Blown2CV

22,524 posts

151 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
Carl_Manchester said:
Some advice for the young 'uns so you don't waste your time.

Tinder is a hook-up app, on Match.com Premium you will find women with careers and an I.Q in 3 digits, these are better for when you are in your 30's unless you like the older woman (and there is nothing wrong with that). I met a bunch of really nice women on there but it is expensive.

The best way to meet in the middle if you are younger, is absolutely to go to single/dating events.

BeAtOne do decent dating/singles evenings, I would start there.

The most unconventional men generally have the most success because they are not afraid of rejection, the acceptance rate for a phone number will be one in 25 - if you are lucky. That means you will need to approach 25 women in order to obtain a lunch date.

You don't need to look like a LoveIsland contestant to have a shot at a date, infact it was hilariously proven the other night, that if you do look like a young, slick, good looking, muscular type of guy you will be thrown in the bin quicker than a toilet roll which has caught fire.

I used to date a young woman who's idea of a great weekday night was to knock out a panel on her MX5 build with a mallet hammer. Another turned up in a brand new white Boxster S - they are out there and there is a bum for every seat.
Match may be pricey but considering how much money people fk away on smartphones and other idiotic ste like yeezy fking boost trainers, and yet complain about a few quid to try and find a lifelong partner, when they actually know and care about that being what they want.... bizarre thing to complain about. Like going on holiday and complaining how much a sandwich is in the airport.

Thankyou4calling

7,108 posts

121 months

Monday 11th November
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Perhaps you should follow the advice that was given to Christopher AKA nooman

https://youtu.be/msfIAUDJ8CI

Saleen836

6,965 posts

157 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
I seem to currently be getting a fair few messages from young women,i'm talking 18-21 wanting a sugar daddy,just for fun I started chatting with one who outlined what she wanted, she would send me photos/videos and call for chats if I sent her money.When I pointed out I can get photos & videos for free off the internet so why would I pay her for them she vanished laugh

Carl_Manchester

5,542 posts

210 months

Monday 11th November
quotequote all
Thankyou4calling said:
Perhaps you should follow the advice that was given to Christopher AKA nooman

https://youtu.be/msfIAUDJ8CI
lol well he is right about Zizzi, will give him a point for that.

mjb1

2,298 posts

107 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
Julessy said:
I've debated a new hairstyle a few times I won't lie, I do use wax in my hair if I'm going clubbing (which is rare) or if I'm going down the pub (I used to do that weekly now it's monthly because it became boring and expensive), but there's a few reasons why I haven't
1. I shortened my hair a lot from when I was younger, I used to have long hair
2. I don't know what I want to do with my hair if was to change it
3. Changing hairstyle would mean going to a new barber because my current one is quite old school, and that would make me anxious

As for a new wadrobe I would mainly just change the top half, I used to wear chinos laugh, I wear jeans now though, even ventured into non black colours recently which for me is rare. I basically always wear adidas tops and primark plain white shirts which I admit is very boring but I find it difficult to find anything else that catches my eye in shops. Tbh a lot of girls my age that I actually swipe right on on Tinder are not much more exciting than me, I don't tend to like athletic girls as such, I don't like sports it's boring and I hate doing it. Also I don't have a huge amount of time to go the gym plus finding the motivation to do so would be difficult, I could get up earlier a couple days a week where I don't start work until 11 but when I'm doing cleaning jobs the rest of the day until 7pm I really can't be bothered, plus my mates no longer go the gym so I'd have no one to go with. Don't get me wrong I'd like to lose a bit of weight but honestly my metabolism being high thanks to my tablets I'm on would probably undo all the gym work anyway. I'm also not about to diet, if getting a gf means giving up all the food I like or only having rations of it, I'd rather die a virgin laugh.

The thing is I don't want to change myself too much just for someone else, I want to be myself but also get a girlfriend which seems impossible. From what you're saying I might just get married to my car and be done with it laugh. Seriously though I will take into consideration what you've said but if I do change my appearance it's going to have to be one step at a time.
Fair enough, entirely up to you. When it comes to dating, there are two main things - looks/physical appearance and personality. To some extent one can compensate for the other, but you're going to need the comedic skills of James Corden to achieve that. At the moment it sounds like you have neither.

I was struck by how much you've physically changed in the last 4 years. You might be reasonably content with your current shape, eating habits and exercise, but if you carry on the same for the next 4 years, how are you going to be then? I met up with a bunch of people from a singles group recently. One of the blokes there I'd guestimated was in his mid to late 40's. Nearly fell of my chair when he told me he was 28! I'm sure his excess weight was ageing him significantly. Yes, he's a lot larger than you are now, but you're only 21 and if you don't change something that's the direction you're heading. I'm really sorry if this sounds really brutal, especially coming from a stranger on the internet, but I think you need to take a step back and look at yourself.

I'm not suggesting you do anything too dramatic, or than you need to get totally ripped or aim for a 10% body fat physique. Just something that should be comfortably attainable and maintainable with a bit of will power. You certainly don't need to starve yourself or give up 'nice' food completely. Just start by counting your calorie intake initially (try using myfitness pal app or similar), you might shock yourself. Maybe go on the Health section of PH for some group motivation. I get that sport may not be your thing, but there must be something physical that you enjoy, even just going out for a walk? Maybe the gym was the wrong suggestion, I know I'm the same, I've never used one myself. But I do a lot of other fairly intense cardio exercise, and through that, I can get away with eating too much, and crap.

Think of it like this - you're not changing yourself for someone else, you're changing yourself for YOU. The first step is getting your head around that I suppose. You don't have to ditch the adidas tops, t shirts and trainers, but at least have something smarter for going out generally, and your profile/dating photos. Perhaps don't worry about the hair for now. Length of it is fine, just the style a bit dated, but I'm the last person you should be taking hair style advice from!

Julessy

31 posts

4 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
mjb1 said:
Fair enough, entirely up to you. When it comes to dating, there are two main things - looks/physical appearance and personality. To some extent one can compensate for the other, but you're going to need the comedic skills of James Corden to achieve that. At the moment it sounds like you have neither.

I was struck by how much you've physically changed in the last 4 years. You might be reasonably content with your current shape, eating habits and exercise, but if you carry on the same for the next 4 years, how are you going to be then? I met up with a bunch of people from a singles group recently. One of the blokes there I'd guestimated was in his mid to late 40's. Nearly fell of my chair when he told me he was 28! I'm sure his excess weight was ageing him significantly. Yes, he's a lot larger than you are now, but you're only 21 and if you don't change something that's the direction you're heading. I'm really sorry if this sounds really brutal, especially coming from a stranger on the internet, but I think you need to take a step back and look at yourself.

I'm not suggesting you do anything too dramatic, or than you need to get totally ripped or aim for a 10% body fat physique. Just something that should be comfortably attainable and maintainable with a bit of will power. You certainly don't need to starve yourself or give up 'nice' food completely. Just start by counting your calorie intake initially (try using myfitness pal app or similar), you might shock yourself. Maybe go on the Health section of PH for some group motivation. I get that sport may not be your thing, but there must be something physical that you enjoy, even just going out for a walk? Maybe the gym was the wrong suggestion, I know I'm the same, I've never used one myself. But I do a lot of other fairly intense cardio exercise, and through that, I can get away with eating too much, and crap.

Think of it like this - you're not changing yourself for someone else, you're changing yourself for YOU. The first step is getting your head around that I suppose. You don't have to ditch the adidas tops, t shirts and trainers, but at least have something smarter for going out generally, and your profile/dating photos. Perhaps don't worry about the hair for now. Length of it is fine, just the style a bit dated, but I'm the last person you should be taking hair style advice from!
I think the thing is as long as I keep working I wont gain anymore weight I'll just stay the same, I do tend to lose a liitle weight when I work but I make up for that when I eat laugh. The only reason I gained weight in the first place was because of my tablets, I used to be able to eat like I do now but never gain weight, I used to be quite skinny. Tbh ever since I started driving I never really walked anywhere so it could be a start just to walk to town again or something. As for the hair my main problem is I wouldn't know what style to get and what would suit me laugh.

technodup

5,952 posts

78 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
It's not rocket science ffs.

If you're fat lose weight.
Make yourself look as good as you can. Pics in social settings etc. Mix them up.
Put some bait in your pics. I've got dogs (not mine), works a treat. Women like dogs, cats, DJs, musicians etc. Buy/borrow a guitar. Don't even need to play it, say you're learning. Any old hook will do to catch a few fish.
Under no circumstances do desperate. No reply? fk 'em. No 2nd/3rd attempts.
Forget all the stupid questions above, you're not interested in the answers. Have a couple of unusual openers you can use over and over. The more of a munter you are the more creative this bit needs to be. If you get this bit right the conversation naturally flows, without resorting to crib sheets or formulaic bks.






Blown2CV

22,524 posts

151 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
Saleen836 said:
I seem to currently be getting a fair few messages from young women,i'm talking 18-21 wanting a sugar daddy,just for fun I started chatting with one who outlined what she wanted, she would send me photos/videos and call for chats if I sent her money.When I pointed out I can get photos & videos for free off the internet so why would I pay her for them she vanished laugh
it's not even as fun as sugar daddy, because that would imply sex and company in exchange for gifts/money. The latest thing is more about giving guys the impression that in future they may get some sex, or maybe even just some pics, in exchange for gifts/money. Some girls seem to feel doing this sort of thing through Instagram or Snapchat is what counts as a career. I don't know how lucrative it actually is. Also they tend to not be the actually attractive ones... usually fairly average and/or big tits. No i have not been caught up in this but yes I do browse social media! Also there seems to be a thing where 'cosplay' girls sell their bath water online? Or feet pics... i guess that is even further detached from sex... people pay for this st i have no idea why.

Blown2CV

22,524 posts

151 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
technodup said:
It's not rocket science ffs.

If you're fat lose weight.
Make yourself look as good as you can. Pics in social settings etc. Mix them up.
Put some bait in your pics. I've got dogs (not mine), works a treat. Women like dogs, cats, DJs, musicians etc. Buy/borrow a guitar. Don't even need to play it, say you're learning. Any old hook will do to catch a few fish.
Under no circumstances do desperate. No reply? fk 'em. No 2nd/3rd attempts.
Forget all the stupid questions above, you're not interested in the answers. Have a couple of unusual openers you can use over and over. The more of a munter you are the more creative this bit needs to be. If you get this bit right the conversation naturally flows, without resorting to crib sheets or formulaic bks.
agree. Also need to learn to adopt a certain balance of assertiveness that almost brushes the edges of arrogance but not quite. Women past like late 20s absolutely lap that st up.

Thales

206 posts

5 months

Tuesday 12th November
quotequote all
Blown2CV said:
agree. Also need to learn to adopt a certain balance of assertiveness that almost brushes the edges of arrogance but not quite. Women past like late 20s absolutely lap that st up.
"BDE"