Match.com (Vol. 7)
Discussion
I think a lot of abusive relationships develop over time so that what may once have been equal suddenly becomes unbalanced and so one person depends more on the other, the other then has more power and control and then abuses that power. It’s a slow spiral downwards from there.
In these wide age-gap relationships, it seems at least one person is representing a missing link, something that the younger partner is looking for, for example, someone to provide strength, guidance etc. I don’t know, it wouldn’t float my boat, but I’ve had a conventional family around me all my life, with all the support I needed.
It would be interesting to see how many of those age-gap relationships had a younger partner with a missing parent in the mix.
In these wide age-gap relationships, it seems at least one person is representing a missing link, something that the younger partner is looking for, for example, someone to provide strength, guidance etc. I don’t know, it wouldn’t float my boat, but I’ve had a conventional family around me all my life, with all the support I needed.
It would be interesting to see how many of those age-gap relationships had a younger partner with a missing parent in the mix.
Bluesgirl said:
It would be interesting to see how many of those age-gap relationships had a younger partner with a missing parent in the mix.
That would be a valid point in terms of a young lady being interested in an older male.Maybe her father left / abandoned her and she was left just with her mother.
Young boy being abandoned by his mum. I wouldn’t believe this would encourage him to find an older lady while in his early years, not at all, imo.
Bluesgirl said:
It would be interesting to see how many of those age-gap relationships had a younger partner with a missing parent in the mix.
I think perhaps instead of just 'missing' it would be better to look at it as broadly just missing as a good parental role model, the parent could have been physically present but an alcoholic, drug user, violent / abusive etc.Certainly from a simplstic perspective it makes sense that someone would (subconciously or otherwise) seek to find what they may instinctively feel they have been lacking, and be drawn to a strong and stable father figure (or mother figure, wouldn't want to just brandish men as the violent drunks!)
There's nothing wrong with that as such, but if these people received psychological support would their desired traits in a partner change?
throt said:
Young boy being abandoned by his mum. I wouldn’t believe this would encourage him to find an older lady while in his early years, not at all, imo.
No I'm inclined to agree interestingly, I would assume such a situation would lead to him not treating women with a great deal of respect as he'd end up being sort of hyper masculine due to excessive 'dad' exposure (drastically over simplifying and generalising here of course!)Certainly the likelihood of the remaining parent's possibly poisonous remarks about the ex partner could strongly influence the child's perception of the opposite sex you'd have to assume?
This is all getting a bit serious for the Match.com thread
Edited by SturdyHSV on Friday 23 October 17:20
Well I did consider this, but can’t really relate to that situation.
I remember in the Netflix series Ozarks, a young guy moves in with a much older woman, she really is a mother figure to him and he obviously fills a gap in her life (after she’s murdered her husband!). I suppose I could see that happening but socially surely the couple would be outcast.
These aren’t your stereotypical male/female attraction scenarios are they? There’s more to it psychologically than that.
I remember in the Netflix series Ozarks, a young guy moves in with a much older woman, she really is a mother figure to him and he obviously fills a gap in her life (after she’s murdered her husband!). I suppose I could see that happening but socially surely the couple would be outcast.
These aren’t your stereotypical male/female attraction scenarios are they? There’s more to it psychologically than that.
SturdyHSV said:
There's nothing wrong with that as such, but if these people received psychological support would their desired traits in a partner change?
I dont think an absent parent results in the same behaviour patterns as having an abusive, or alcoholic or drug- addicted parent. After all, children grow up thinking that their own home life is the norm, not thinking that it’s unusual to have a drunk for a mum or a violent headcase for a dad. They're surprised that not every other child has the same experience. So in the drunk/violent case they’re likely to replicate that pattern themselves, hence a cycle of abuse.
With a missing parent, they can see other kids with a dad or mum that they don’t have and look for something to fill that space.
At least that’s what I imagine with my amateur psychologist’s hat on.
But we’re also working on the assumption that this set up isn’t healthy. Why isn’t it? Why is it any different from any other relationship (or transaction as is so often discussed on PH) where two people are providing what the other is lacking. These relationships are on the outer limits of the normal curve, sure, but if both parties are happy, then who’s to say it’s not ok?
Yes, sorry, getting too heavy here.
Edited by Bluesgirl on Friday 23 October 17:48
Bluesgirl said:
Ok point taken. How’s everyone doing then? I’m chatting to about 6 people on POF and can’t keep up with the conversations!!
How’s the linked in dating going?
It's going really well thanks, spending a lot of time together now and chatting via WhatsApp when not together. How’s the linked in dating going?
Bluesgirl said:
Ok point taken. How’s everyone doing then? I’m chatting to about 6 people on POF and can’t keep up with the conversations!!
I gave up on Hinge. After the one decent conversation, it was pretty much a great big fail! I had one whose conversation was drier than the Sahara, and another who was only interested in me going to his house there and then, and called me boring when I wouldn't. Every other message I sent was soundly ignored.So I took the plunge and coughed up for Match. Amidst the guys obviously playing the numbers game (including one who sent the same message twice, just adjusted for the day of the week), and the ones out of my distance and age preferences, there has been one match. However, that one match was 4 weeks ago, and thousands of messages and 5 dates later, we're in the weird limbo of it feeling like more than just 'dates', but not quite got around to acknowledging where we are yet, for fear of spoiling things by putting a label on it too soon.
This is the guy with the autistic son I mentioned previously. He's the kind of kid who needs his routines, so introductions will need to be thought about carefully, as the last thing I want to do is make things difficult for the lad.
That sounds great for both of you.
Cherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
So one of my chats has moved onto kik which I’ve never used before and has then moved onto a specialist subject I’m not interested in, so that’ll be binned off shortly. But another guy sounds really nice, very chilled and easy going, lots of nice photos on his profile and ... he’s shorter than me - oh well, I’ll ignore this for the time being and see how things go.
Cherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
So one of my chats has moved onto kik which I’ve never used before and has then moved onto a specialist subject I’m not interested in, so that’ll be binned off shortly. But another guy sounds really nice, very chilled and easy going, lots of nice photos on his profile and ... he’s shorter than me - oh well, I’ll ignore this for the time being and see how things go.
cherie171 said:
I gave up on Hinge. After the one decent conversation, it was pretty much a great big fail! I had one whose conversation was drier than the Sahara, and another who was only interested in me going to his house there and then, and called me boring when I wouldn't. Every other message I sent was soundly ignored.
So I took the plunge and coughed up for Match. Amidst the guys obviously playing the numbers game (including one who sent the same message twice, just adjusted for the day of the week), and the ones out of my distance and age preferences, there has been one match. However, that one match was 4 weeks ago, and thousands of messages and 5 dates later, we're in the weird limbo of it feeling like more than just 'dates', but not quite got around to acknowledging where we are yet, for fear of spoiling things by putting a label on it too soon.
This is the guy with the autistic son I mentioned previously. He's the kind of kid who needs his routines, so introductions will need to be thought about carefully, as the last thing I want to do is make things difficult for the lad.
The guy you are dating just needs to preempt him that you are a ‘’friend’’ coming around to visitSo I took the plunge and coughed up for Match. Amidst the guys obviously playing the numbers game (including one who sent the same message twice, just adjusted for the day of the week), and the ones out of my distance and age preferences, there has been one match. However, that one match was 4 weeks ago, and thousands of messages and 5 dates later, we're in the weird limbo of it feeling like more than just 'dates', but not quite got around to acknowledging where we are yet, for fear of spoiling things by putting a label on it too soon.
This is the guy with the autistic son I mentioned previously. He's the kind of kid who needs his routines, so introductions will need to be thought about carefully, as the last thing I want to do is make things difficult for the lad.
They can be very jealous and extremely protective of their loved one and their surroundings. Sounds like a animal I know on NatGeo, but trust me, with many of them it really is just that.
The son may even choose not to meet you but he will be listening to what’s going on, bless him
If he does meet you he want to get your trust then all ,,,?should?, be fine.
Bluesgirl said:
That sounds great for both of you.
Cherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
So one of my chats has moved onto kik which I’ve never used before and has then moved onto a specialist subject I’m not interested in, so that’ll be binned off shortly. But another guy sounds really nice, very chilled and easy going, lots of nice photos on his profile and ... he’s shorter than me - oh well, I’ll ignore this for the time being and see how things go.
Has he got little ‘’girlieman’’ hands too, if so, bin that one too. HahahaCherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
So one of my chats has moved onto kik which I’ve never used before and has then moved onto a specialist subject I’m not interested in, so that’ll be binned off shortly. But another guy sounds really nice, very chilled and easy going, lots of nice photos on his profile and ... he’s shorter than me - oh well, I’ll ignore this for the time being and see how things go.
Bluesgirl said:
That sounds great for both of you.
Cherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
No, there's no rush. We're both being cautious, but it also feels like we've known each other a lot longer than a month, so it's a weird balancing act at the moment. He's only got the one kid, who lives with the mum. Cherie - 5 dates in 4 weeks and thousands of messages sounds really good. No need to rush tho is there? Has he got other kids? If it’s just the one, I’d think they’ll both like to have a woman around, it’ll change the dynamic.
throt said:
The guy you are dating just needs to preempt him that you are a ‘’friend’’ coming around to visit
They can be very jealous and extremely protective of their loved one and their surroundings. Sounds like a animal I know on NatGeo, but trust me, with many of them it really is just that.
The son may even choose not to meet you but he will be listening to what’s going on, bless him
If he does meet you he want to get your trust then all ,,,?should?, be fine.
Any kid can be jealous of anyone new in the lives of a parent, it's only natural. I will leave it to him to decide when and if he wants to meet me if we get to that point. He knows that his dad has a new friend, but beyond that, it isn't something that's on his radar just yet. They can be very jealous and extremely protective of their loved one and their surroundings. Sounds like a animal I know on NatGeo, but trust me, with many of them it really is just that.
The son may even choose not to meet you but he will be listening to what’s going on, bless him
If he does meet you he want to get your trust then all ,,,?should?, be fine.
bluesgirl said:
So one of my chats has moved onto kik which I’ve never used before and has then moved onto a specialist subject I’m not interested in, so that’ll be binned off shortly. But another guy sounds really nice, very chilled and easy going, lots of nice photos on his profile and ... he’s shorter than me - oh well, I’ll ignore this for the time being and see how things go.
Specialist subjects can be interesting and endearing, subject dependant, but they can also be boring as all hell if don't care for it in the slightest!On the subject of height, the previous guy I was talking to that didn't work out, I'm sure he stretched the truth with his height. I'm 5ft 2, his profile said he was 5ft 4 ... It didn't actually bother me at all either way, but I really don't think he was. He was the same height as me at the most! And on the other end of the scale, the guy I'm dating is 6ft 4... over a foot taller, I don't even come up to his shoulder when I stand tiptoe!
Well, we hadn’t got as far as discussing chickens (yet?). No, it was a fetish and I recognised the style of approach from a previous encounter. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff