Dating again when you aren't all that...
Discussion
I became single after 17 years, and decided I'd rather not again. There are other things in life than women. I take an occasional opportunity, but knowing what I've been through, and what exactly I'm capable of giving to the other person, I just stay away. That's perhaps also worth considering, OP 
Veeayt said:
I became single after 17 years, and decided I'd rather not again. There are other things in life than women. I take an occasional opportunity, but knowing what I've been through, and what exactly I'm capable of giving to the other person, I just stay away. That's perhaps also worth considering, OP
Probably the best advice you will hear.I wouldn’t worry too much, as women get more mature they realise looks aren’t everything. In my social group of blokes there are several of us on our second lap, we are no lookers but have all done better second time around.
Just be sociable, make male friends too, their wives / partners have a great knack of fixing up lone men.
Just be sociable, make male friends too, their wives / partners have a great knack of fixing up lone men.
Douglas Quaid said:
You have nothing to lose by trying the dating apps, if they don’t work you’re no worse off.
You're much worse off. You now have failure to add to the body confidence issues.It's a really tough gig for guys who aren't lookers. Check the match .com thread... stay away and don't add depression to the list of issues.
Noodle1982 said:
I know every one is different but I can never understand those who come out of long term relationships wanting to get straight back into dating.
I suspect it's to do with self esteem. When I was young an older women told me that whereas men's attraction is pretty well all visual, for women it's feel. That can be physical feel, but also emotional. So if you make them feel good/special you're on a winner. That's the majority, some will just take take etc. Women like men who make them laugh too. Try smiling a lot. People instinctively smile back, and feel good. Appropriately though, or you will be arrested at some point.
Look around at couples and you'll see people happy together and it's clearly not looks. And you might meet someone who ticks all the boxes physically, but just doesn't have the 'it' factor (The Audi Syndrome).
But is dating what you really want or need? It's easy to associate it with when life was good, and there are benefits, but there are 'costs' too. Maybe start by writing down what you like about your life and what you don't. Then decide what you can change and think about steps towards achieving that, and see where dating fits into that.
I'm just going to echo other people's advice on making yourself number one. If you don't love yourself and who you are, no one else will.
After I got divorced this was exactly what I did, being active and healthy helps a lot. As does a hobby that has social aspects or gets you out of the house.
After I got divorced this was exactly what I did, being active and healthy helps a lot. As does a hobby that has social aspects or gets you out of the house.
Thunderhead said:
So im single again after 15 years,
Thunderhead said:
Definitely a self estime thing, and good advise from a number of people around finding happiness in myself, but not an easy thing and something I haven't come close to achieving in a very long time, so maybe this is the opportunity I need to try.
Selectively quoted these just to try to crystallise this.Often in long relationships that run out of steam so to speak people will find themselves at a loss. Identity can get blended with the OH and aspects of you as person that show themselves in hobbies and interests, even conversations can be put on the back burner. The focus on adjustment from coupled up to single life, in terms of the practicalities often becomes superficial IMO. It's more about living as you again, as difficult as that may be to start with.
Like you say you now an opportunity to do this. Even if you know you want to share your life with another, please give yourself the space and time to know you again. Get used to the changed dynamics of your 'new' life to use as a platform for furthering and facilitating new chapters.
Thanks all, its been a devastating few months, well, years if I'm honest sbout when my marriage broke down, and I'm still finding what independence means after a long long time.
It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Thunderhead said:
Thanks all, its been a devastating few months, well, years if I'm honest sbout when my marriage broke down, and I'm still finding what independence means after a long long time.
It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
This might sound a bit... wussy... but try keeping a gratitude journal. Every evening write down 5 things you're thankful for. They can be things that happened that day or bigger things eg having a roof over your head.It's easy to pull myself apart and focus on the negatives, but at worst I'm single, mid 40's with my own place that I've done up really nicely, good job, so could be a lot worse.
Sometimes I forget to remember what I've got going for me, think I'll spend some time getting to know who I am right now, and if a relationship develops down the line then I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Thunderhead said:
Thanks all, its been a devastating few months, well, years if I'm honest sbout when my marriage broke down, and I'm still finding what independence means after a long long time.
Must confess if I was suddenly single I think I’d miss having an expert over my shoulder telling me how to decorate, change a car wheel, fix the lawnmower, service the car, how fast to go in my car, how to avoid potholes, what motorbike tyre to buy, how to wire in a spur and socket etc etc...........:
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