Marriage - or not?
Discussion
Lemming Train said:
Bobberoo99 said:
irocfan said:
jshell said:
There's no '1 size fits all'.
this ^^^Fascinating to see so many arguing so fervently against marriage and when someone posts advocating it they are told they are wrong, if you find a person(PC) who lets you be you, supports and understands you and shares your views, maybe interests, and morals and you return all that to them, then there is no reason why your marriage would fail, unless one of you changes, nothing can stop that from happening, some people just change, you either deal with it and work through it or you move on, that's life.
What's the point in getting married then if you can just "move on" when you get bored or it all gets a bit too hard work?
vows said:
I, __, take you, __, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Bobberoo99 said:
You really don't understand the whole "work through it" bit do you, anybody who thinks marriage is just a case of perform the ceremony, have the honeymoon and carry on as normal is very much deluded!! ANY relationship takes work, whether it be a marriage, a partnership or a friendship.
You have completely ignored or misunderstood what I wrote.ChevyChase77 said:
I know quite a lot of women who have been with their partners for a long time, have kids, get hitched, get bored and cheat. Obviously men do it as well.
I think it comes down to a bit of proving 'you've still got it'.
A lot of women don't have kids with 'the one'. They get to mid 30s and are still single so their standards drop as their fertility drops.I think it comes down to a bit of proving 'you've still got it'.
Then once they have kids, as long as he is a decent dad, they won't break the 'family unit' up unless there really is another branch to hang onto.
jshell said:
Digby said:
Been with my other half since 1990. I asked her in 92 if she was ever bothered about marriage, as I didn't care either way. She said she didn't care either way. Still not married. Probably why we are still together as she lets me do as I please and I let her and neither of us really care about the 'proper' way of doing things.
There's no '1 size fits all'. Perhaps we need to move away from marriage 'till death us do part' to what is virtually a rental system !!
You hitch up as a couple in the usual way and then, when you both want to make it more serious, you agree to 'rent' each other for say, 7 years. After 6 years you both have the option as to whether to go for a further rental period of X years, or not.
It would probably stand a better chance of keeping both parties on their toes !
You hitch up as a couple in the usual way and then, when you both want to make it more serious, you agree to 'rent' each other for say, 7 years. After 6 years you both have the option as to whether to go for a further rental period of X years, or not.
It would probably stand a better chance of keeping both parties on their toes !
CharlieH89 said:
What is weird is people in Hollywood getting married after 6 months or so. Stupid.
Americans seem to be way more marriage happy than others. Maybe it's their religious hangover. In the UK after a months you might introduce your dearest to a couple of mates. In America you marry them.
Robertj21a said:
Perhaps we need to move away from marriage 'till death us do part' to what is virtually a rental system !!
A renewal system is the only one I'd ever consider, not that I'd do it in the first place. Despite coming out of a short marriage with more money than what I started with, I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see the point. Nothing changes once married, nor was I expecting anything to change if you've been with someone for years already. Buying a house and having kids together is a far bigger commitment than getting married (both of which I've done since getting divorced). We've created the illusion of marriage by changing her surname which was only because she wanted the same name as the kids.
hyphen said:
ChevyChase77 said:
I know quite a lot of women who have been with their partners for a long time, have kids, get hitched, get bored and cheat. Obviously men do it as well.
I think it comes down to a bit of proving 'you've still got it'.
A lot of women don't have kids with 'the one'. They get to mid 30s and are still single so their standards drop as their fertility drops.I think it comes down to a bit of proving 'you've still got it'.
Then once they have kids, as long as he is a decent dad, they won't break the 'family unit' up unless there really is another branch to hang onto.
Strikes me that this should be the PH theme tune for marriage (btw NSFW)..
Woman - A.N.L.
https://youtu.be/VxL5_BLOWhs
Woman - A.N.L.
https://youtu.be/VxL5_BLOWhs
PMacanGTS said:
StevieBee said:
Many marriages do end in divorce but the trick is to get married on the assumption that yours won't.
That’s probably the worst piece of advice I’ve read on PH, and that’s saying something.Relationships often end. This should be your assumption going in. And clearly your partner has been through at least one marriage from the sounds of it. So, there’s a track record to consider. It sounds like you are both ‘mature’, so what are the motivations for marriage?
Pragmatism trumps idealism as you get older, as you’ve got less time to correct a mistake.
Not sure if your assumption was made of me or the OP but if the former, married for 30 years and remain happily so. First marriage for both us.
I stand by the point I make. Marriage should be a happy, positive, progressive and permanent thing. Both should enter into it eager to do so and excited at the prospect of sharing each others lives for life.
Entering into a marriage with an eye on its likely or possible failure and mitigations in place for when that happens may well be pragmatic but marriage isn't an engineering process, it's entirely emotional. If its something that requires an exit strategy then one has to question the sense in getting married in the first place.
StevieBee said:
More opinion than advice.
Not sure if your assumption was made of me or the OP but if the former, married for 30 years and remain happily so. First marriage for both us.
I stand by the point I make. Marriage should be a happy, positive, progressive and permanent thing. Both should enter into it eager to do so and excited at the prospect of sharing each others lives for life.
Entering into a marriage with an eye on its likely or possible failure and mitigations in place for when that happens may well be pragmatic but marriage isn't an engineering process, it's entirely emotional. If its something that requires an exit strategy then one has to question the sense in getting married in the first place.
That's all fine until one party gets bored or different hormones kick in, depression etc. It takes a LOT more effort to keep a marriage healthy than many are prepared to give..........nowadays.Not sure if your assumption was made of me or the OP but if the former, married for 30 years and remain happily so. First marriage for both us.
I stand by the point I make. Marriage should be a happy, positive, progressive and permanent thing. Both should enter into it eager to do so and excited at the prospect of sharing each others lives for life.
Entering into a marriage with an eye on its likely or possible failure and mitigations in place for when that happens may well be pragmatic but marriage isn't an engineering process, it's entirely emotional. If its something that requires an exit strategy then one has to question the sense in getting married in the first place.
xjay1337 said:
WestyCarl said:
OK, to add some balance (and get flamed by the cynical 
)
I got married after knowing her for 4yrs. I did it the old fashioned way, never lived together, got married, wnet on honeymoon and the day we returned moved into a rented place together. Frankly it was the most exiting period of my life
My view was you have to go "all in", no half measures of co-habiting, co-parenting, pre-nups (not that I had anything back then), etc.
Thankfully we're still together
otherwise no doubt I'd have a different view.............
I genuinely don't know what convinces someone to not at least live with your partner for a time period before you get married!)I got married after knowing her for 4yrs. I did it the old fashioned way, never lived together, got married, wnet on honeymoon and the day we returned moved into a rented place together. Frankly it was the most exiting period of my life
My view was you have to go "all in", no half measures of co-habiting, co-parenting, pre-nups (not that I had anything back then), etc.
Thankfully we're still together
otherwise no doubt I'd have a different view.............There are many things you do not realise when you are just dating / staying over odd nights.
Things like do they do the washing up straight away or leave it for hours? Do they leave the living room light on all day? Etc. These are all small things but things which matter!
Edited by xjay1337 on Wednesday 11th December 11:46
Wow, no wonder some people end up Divorce. Sure I had to change some things from living on my own, me dumping my clothes on the floor and not putting them away iritated her mildly. However she is the one I loved and wanted to be with so guess what, I started ot hang my clothes up
xx99xx said:
Despite coming out of a short marriage with more money than what I started with, I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see the point. Nothing changes once married, nor was I expecting anything to change if you've been with someone for years already. Buying a house and having kids together is a far bigger commitment than getting married (both of which I've done since getting divorced). We've created the illusion of marriage by changing her surname which was only because she wanted the same name as the kids.
I like that idea, more people should probably do it. A big part of being married for many couples is having the same surname, the 'family name'. I think people forget you can do that regardless of being married. If you were buying a £300 banger (car, not woman, I should add...) to get around in for a few weeks, you might well buy the first one you see that looks like it will do the job. If you were about to spend a sizable chunk of your savings on a buying a newish car, or getting one on a lease to buy, it would be reasonable to expect you to at least read some in-depth reviews and research any potential long term issues with the car you to which you plan to commit.
Applying the same reasoning to relationships, how many men read book about female psychology, and what a woman's long-term behaviour and expectations are likely to be before proposing? There are probably more men who have read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', for example, when trying to work out why their marriage is falling apart, than single men who want to avoid the pitfalls in the first place.
Applying the same reasoning to relationships, how many men read book about female psychology, and what a woman's long-term behaviour and expectations are likely to be before proposing? There are probably more men who have read 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', for example, when trying to work out why their marriage is falling apart, than single men who want to avoid the pitfalls in the first place.
xx99xx said:
We've created the illusion of marriage by changing her surname which was only because she wanted the same name as the kids.
Ahhh, makes sense now. When I met you at the last PH meet and saw neither were wearing rings, came the conclusion you must be one of those inbred types from Norfolk
hyphen said:
Ahhh, makes sense now.
When I met you at the last PH meet and saw neither were wearing rings, came the conclusion you must be one of those inbred types from Norfolk
Careful XX99, hyphen is a "ring watcher".When I met you at the last PH meet and saw neither were wearing rings, came the conclusion you must be one of those inbred types from Norfolk
hyphen: Can I buy you a drink...?
Her: (slightly flushed) I need to be home by 2am!
hyphen: 'Taxi'
WestyCarl said:
xjay1337 said:
WestyCarl said:
OK, to add some balance (and get flamed by the cynical )
I got married after knowing her for 4yrs. I did it the old fashioned way, never lived together, got married, wnet on honeymoon and the day we returned moved into a rented place together. Frankly it was the most exiting period of my life
My view was you have to go "all in", no half measures of co-habiting, co-parenting, pre-nups (not that I had anything back then), etc.
Thankfully we're still together otherwise no doubt I'd have a different view.............
I genuinely don't know what convinces someone to not at least live with your partner for a time period before you get married!)I got married after knowing her for 4yrs. I did it the old fashioned way, never lived together, got married, wnet on honeymoon and the day we returned moved into a rented place together. Frankly it was the most exiting period of my life
My view was you have to go "all in", no half measures of co-habiting, co-parenting, pre-nups (not that I had anything back then), etc.
Thankfully we're still together
otherwise no doubt I'd have a different view.............There are many things you do not realise when you are just dating / staying over odd nights.
Things like do they do the washing up straight away or leave it for hours? Do they leave the living room light on all day? Etc. These are all small things but things which matter!
Edited by xjay1337 on Wednesday 11th December 11:46
Wow, no wonder some people end up Divorce. Sure I had to change some things from living on my own, me dumping my clothes on the floor and not putting them away iritated her mildly. However she is the one I loved and wanted to be with so guess what, I started ot hang my clothes up
The point being that it's important to know you can LIVE with someone as it's very different to just visiting / staying over.
While as I said they are small things ( my 2 particular examples ) but things like that can annoy the other person in your relationship (or you) if they are not done or for example if one of you never hangs up clothes and the other wants a spic and span house.
It's not easy to change learned behaviour so you should certainly be tried out first prior to marriage!
xjay1337 said:
It's merely an example.
The point being that it's important to know you can LIVE with someone as it's very different to just visiting / staying over.
While as I said they are small things ( my 2 particular examples ) but things like that can annoy the other person in your relationship (or you) if they are not done or for example if one of you never hangs up clothes and the other wants a spic and span house.
It's not easy to change learned behaviour so you should certainly be tried out first prior to marriage!
Sorry, don't agree. I knew my wife for 4 years before we got married and lived together. I knew by then we were compatible, sure there were some adjustments on both sides once we started living together, but these were minor compared to the happiness of being together.The point being that it's important to know you can LIVE with someone as it's very different to just visiting / staying over.
While as I said they are small things ( my 2 particular examples ) but things like that can annoy the other person in your relationship (or you) if they are not done or for example if one of you never hangs up clothes and the other wants a spic and span house.
It's not easy to change learned behaviour so you should certainly be tried out first prior to marriage!
I would suggest that if you're not sure living together will work then she's (or he) isn't the right one for you.
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