Marriage - or not?

[BoRED S2upid]

xjay1337 said:

It's merely an example.

The point being that it's important to know you can LIVE with someone as it's very different to just visiting / staying over.

While as I said they are small things ( my 2 particular examples ) but things like that can annoy the other person in your relationship (or you) if they are not done or for example if one of you never hangs up clothes and the other wants a spic and span house.

It's not easy to change learned behaviour so you should certainly be tried out first prior to marriage!

You pretty much get the picture from dating alone we used to ‘live’ at each other’s houses 3/4 days a week before we got married and moved into the biggest house of the two and lived with each other full time. We had also been on holiday together for weeks at a time so it’s really not necessary to have to live with each other full time before.

[GIYess]

Not sure if I've commented on this before but I'll throw my tuppence worth in.

I have a very traditional view of marriage. I believe you need to view marriage as a genuine lifetime commitment or its almost destined to fail. Not something that you can try for 10yrs and then get a divorce if it doesn't work. The same as proper love, its not just a wee fuzzy feeling you get thinking about it.
To me love and marriage are as much making a life long commitment to that person as it is the feelings you get when you are with them. Traditional vows say it all really, "till death do us part." If you can't say that with truth and commitment, don't bother. Yes there is times I get on my wife's very last nerve and vise versa, but I made a vow and I intend to stick by it.

I do realise, in certain difficult circumstances, its not possible to stay together though.

[anonymous-user]

I’m a totally different person to who I was 10 years ago. 10 years more? I would never promise a lifetime it’s disengenious to pretend we can predict these things.

Kids are a great reason to get married as that is a 20 year endeavour. Without? Pretty lies.

[TwigtheWonderkid]

Sambucket said:

I’m a totally different person to who I was 10 years ago.

Really? You've discarded all the principles you thought were important 10 yrs ago and now have completely different values. Do you follow a different religion now, a different football team, have a different political view. Did you used to be a saver and now you're a spender, or visa versa. Did you used to be lazy but are now a grafter, or visa versa?

Sure, I've changed in some ways as I've got older, but at 57, I'm not an entirely different person to who I was at 47 or even 27. I'm essentially the same bloke, a bit wiser, a bit more cautious, and a lot slower.

[toon10]

TwigtheWonderkid said:

Sambucket said:

I’m a totally different person to who I was 10 years ago.

Really? You've discarded all the principles you thought were important 10 yrs ago and now have completely different values. Do you follow a different religion now, a different football team, have a different political view. Did you used to be a saver and now you're a spender, or visa versa. Did you used to be lazy but are now a grafter, or visa versa?

Sure, I've changed in some ways as I've got older, but at 57, I'm not an entirely different person to who I was at 47 or even 27. I'm essentially the same bloke, a bit wiser, a bit more cautious, and a lot slower.

I don't know about Sam but I know I'm a different person now at 45 than I was at 35.

At 35:
I was a womaniser, going from one to the next. Some one night stands, some dates, short term relationships.
I had a warped moral code. I'd been cheated on so wasn't too fussed about having indiscretions myself.
I had one son and was adamant that I would not have anymore kids. One was enough.
I lived alone, loved the lifestyle and couldn't see myself ever settling down or wanting to.
In fact, when I met the other half my opening gambit was I live alone, that won't change, I don't want kids and I won't get married.
(So far the only thing I have left is the not married bit!)

At 45:
I've been with the same woman for 9 years and not been bothered about other woman.
I now have a soon to be 4 year old running around the house keeping me young.
I have invested in a large family home with my partner and youngest son. My oldest stays over every week still.
I'm much more tolerant of mess (I've always been a tidy freak). I'm much more tolerant in general.
I vote for a different political party now.

At 55:
Who knows?
(I hope to be living a single life, in a camper van of some sort travelling the world and sleeping with 25 year old woman but that may change over time )

[Digby]

GliderRider said:

If you were about to spend a sizable chunk of your savings on a buying a newish car, or getting one on a lease to buy, it would be reasonable to expect you to at least read some in-depth reviews and research any potential long term issues with the car you to which you plan to commit.

That's me out, then.

[CharlieH89]

toon10 said:

I don't know about Sam but I know I'm a different person now at 45 than I was at 35.

At 35:
I was a womaniser, going from one to the next. Some one night stands, some dates, short term relationships.
I had a warped moral code. I'd been cheated on so wasn't too fussed about having indiscretions myself.
I had one son and was adamant that I would not have anymore kids. One was enough.
I lived alone, loved the lifestyle and couldn't see myself ever settling down or wanting to.
In fact, when I met the other half my opening gambit was I live alone, that won't change, I don't want kids and I won't get married.
(So far the only thing I have left is the not married bit!)

At 45:
I've been with the same woman for 9 years and not been bothered about other woman.
I now have a soon to be 4 year old running around the house keeping me young.
I have invested in a large family home with my partner and youngest son. My oldest stays over every week still.
I'm much more tolerant of mess (I've always been a tidy freak). I'm much more tolerant in general.
I vote for a different political party now.

At 55:
Who knows?
(I hope to be living a single life, in a camper van of some sort travelling the world and sleeping with 25 year old woman but that may change over time )

Why?

[Robertj21a]

CharlieH89 said:

toon10 said:

I don't know about Sam but I know I'm a different person now at 45 than I was at 35.

At 35:
I was a womaniser, going from one to the next. Some one night stands, some dates, short term relationships.
I had a warped moral code. I'd been cheated on so wasn't too fussed about having indiscretions myself.
I had one son and was adamant that I would not have anymore kids. One was enough.
I lived alone, loved the lifestyle and couldn't see myself ever settling down or wanting to.
In fact, when I met the other half my opening gambit was I live alone, that won't change, I don't want kids and I won't get married.
(So far the only thing I have left is the not married bit!)

At 45:
I've been with the same woman for 9 years and not been bothered about other woman.
I now have a soon to be 4 year old running around the house keeping me young.
I have invested in a large family home with my partner and youngest son. My oldest stays over every week still.
I'm much more tolerant of mess (I've always been a tidy freak). I'm much more tolerant in general.
I vote for a different political party now.

At 55:
Who knows?
(I hope to be living a single life, in a camper van of some sort travelling the world and sleeping with 25 year old woman but that may change over time )

Why?

Why not. Sounds like a pretty good life to me.

[CharlieH89]

Robertj21a said:

CharlieH89 said:

toon10 said:

I don't know about Sam but I know I'm a different person now at 45 than I was at 35.

At 35:
I was a womaniser, going from one to the next. Some one night stands, some dates, short term relationships.
I had a warped moral code. I'd been cheated on so wasn't too fussed about having indiscretions myself.
I had one son and was adamant that I would not have anymore kids. One was enough.
I lived alone, loved the lifestyle and couldn't see myself ever settling down or wanting to.
In fact, when I met the other half my opening gambit was I live alone, that won't change, I don't want kids and I won't get married.
(So far the only thing I have left is the not married bit!)

At 45:
I've been with the same woman for 9 years and not been bothered about other woman.
I now have a soon to be 4 year old running around the house keeping me young.
I have invested in a large family home with my partner and youngest son. My oldest stays over every week still.
I'm much more tolerant of mess (I've always been a tidy freak). I'm much more tolerant in general.
I vote for a different political party now.

At 55:
Who knows?
(I hope to be living a single life, in a camper van of some sort travelling the world and sleeping with 25 year old woman but that may change over time )

Why?

Why not. Sounds like a pretty good life to me.

I guess its a 'why write that on the internet? Is it because you really want that or because it's a male dominated forum and you want it to look impressive' kind of why.

I do now however see that he said he's not been bothered about other woman for 9 years as he's in a relationship but he doesn't actually mention that he is happy in that relationship.

[Digby]

CharlieH89 said:

I guess its a 'why write that on the internet? Is it because you really want that or because it's a male dominated forum and you want it to look impressive' kind of why.

I do now however see that he said he's not been bothered about other woman for 9 years as he's in a relationship but he doesn't actually mention that he is happy in that relationship.

I think you think too much ?

It was clearly meant as a bit of fun. I couldn't point you toward a single person who would have thought otherwise, until now.

[av185]

Robertj21a said:

Perhaps we need to move away from marriage 'till death us do part' to what is virtually a rental system !!
You hitch up as a couple in the usual way and then, when you both want to make it more serious, you agree to 'rent' each other for say, 7 years. After 6 years you both have the option as to whether to go for a further rental period of X years, or not.
It would probably stand a better chance of keeping both parties on their toes !

This is very true and I seem to recall it was favoured in some Nordic/Scandia countries for a time some decades ago.

Effectively a 'starter marriage to go hand in hand with a 'starter home.'

And if it doesn't work between a couple simply end the 'lease agreement' after x number of years without all the trauma and financial implications of a messy divorce. Win win.

And why not bearing in mind our increasing appetite for more subscriptive lifestyles. Great idea imo and no real difference to a quickie divorce.

[xjay1337]

WestyCarl said:

xjay1337 said:

It's merely an example.

The point being that it's important to know you can LIVE with someone as it's very different to just visiting / staying over.

While as I said they are small things ( my 2 particular examples ) but things like that can annoy the other person in your relationship (or you) if they are not done or for example if one of you never hangs up clothes and the other wants a spic and span house.

It's not easy to change learned behaviour so you should certainly be tried out first prior to marriage!

Sorry, don't agree. I knew my wife for 4 years before we got married and lived together. I knew by then we were compatible, sure there were some adjustments on both sides once we started living together, but these were minor compared to the happiness of being together.

I would suggest that if you're not sure living together will work then she's (or he) isn't the right one for you.

Fine for you.
I'm just saying I wouldn't enter into a marriage with someone if I hadn't at least lived with them for several months first.
If you buy a house together and then break up after 18 months because you actually end up hating that persons annoying habits then it's bad for both of you.

We obviously have different views. Not saying either of us are right. Just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for everyone.

[toon10]

CharlieH89 said:

I guess its a 'why write that on the internet? Is it because you really want that or because it's a male dominated forum and you want it to look impressive' kind of why.

I do now however see that he said he's not been bothered about other woman for 9 years as he's in a relationship but he doesn't actually mention that he is happy in that relationship.

Jesus Christ the last bit was OBVIOUSLY a joke. I'm more than happy now but the point I was making was people change. I was totally different at 35 to now and will probably be totally different at 55. What that difference will be I have no idea.

[CharlieH89]

Digby said:

I think you think too much ?

It was clearly meant as a bit of fun. I couldn't point you toward a single person who would have thought otherwise, until now.

Probably so
I’m not sure why I responded in that manner tbh.
Someone on the internet can write whatever they write I don’t normally don’t respond if it doesn’t affect me

[Algarve]

For the people saying marry someone of equal financial standing, that's pretty easy when you're in university or just starting out.

Once you're in your 30's and doing reasonably well where are all these women going to come from? Were I live you'd be lucky if there's 1 woman for 100 guys. The other 99 are going to have to become monks or accept they're looking at ladies who won't/can't earn anywhere near what they can.

[Digby]

CharlieH89 said:

Probably so
I’m not sure why I responded in that manner tbh.
Someone on the internet can write whatever they write I don’t normally don’t respond if it doesn’t affect me

No big deal. I did type what I typed whilst chuckling away for the record. Reading that back, it looked like I was being a miserable bd who had decided to pick on someone!

[slipstream 1985]

hyphen said:

ChevyChase77 said:

I know quite a lot of women who have been with their partners for a long time, have kids, get hitched, get bored and cheat. Obviously men do it as well.

I think it comes down to a bit of proving 'you've still got it'.

A lot of women don't have kids with 'the one'. They get to mid 30s and are still single so their standards drop as their fertility drops.

Then once they have kids, as long as he is a decent dad, they won't break the 'family unit' up unless there really is another branch to hang onto.

They have kids with "the one" they want to change hoping the kid will tie them down to commitment. Then 30s arrive and they settle usually for a childhood sweatheart or "friend" who is still single. Shes hppy she has stability and he's happy as he is punching above his weight. See it in loads of people from school days.