Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[MarkwG]

MartG said:

As Bernie Ecclestone becomes a dad at the age of 89, experts ponder if he used a hard compound to achieve pole position...

Perhaps the moment for this one to do the rounds, again...?

An 89-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the old man said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor. The old man said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

"My point exactly!" said the doctor...

[john2443]

A virologist and epidemiologist and a scientist walked into a bar.

(No of course they didn't!)

[K12beano]

Sad news. My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday...

He was caught in a trap.

[paua]

K12beano said:

Sad news. My pet mouse Elvis died yesterday...

He was caught in a trap.

Give you a dollar for his blue suede shoes

[nonsequitur]

As they re-opened, a long line of men was seen outside the local hairdressers this morning. Good to see a barber queue after all this time.

[K12beano]

nonsequitur said:

As they re-opened, a long line of men was seen outside the local hairdressers this morning. Good to see a barber queue after all this time.

You'll get flamed for that one, Shirley?

[nonsequitur]

K12beano said:

nonsequitur said:

As they re-opened, a long line of men was seen outside the local hairdressers this morning. Good to see a barber queue after all this time.

You'll get flamed for that one, Shirley?

Yes, while eating a short back and side of beef.

[MartG]

A bloke at the races came over and whispered, "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
"No thanks, I've only got a small garden".

[kowalski655]

MartG said:

A bloke at the races came over and whispered, "Do you want the winner of the next race?".
"No thanks, I've only got a small garden No thanks I dont like Tesco lasagne".

[GloverMart]

I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.

It caused a twenty minute jam.

Police believe it may have been orchestrated.

[K12beano]

GloverMart said:

I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.

It caused a twenty minute jam.

Police believe it may have been orchestrated.

Weather Report?

[grumpy52]

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

[K12beano]

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

Cycle, Shirley?

[Laurel Green]

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

I think it's good, considering these troubled times, that you can drum up the enthusiasm to do so.

[nonsequitur]

Laurel Green said:

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

I think it's good, considering these troubled times, that you can drum up the enthusiasm to do so.

Let's keep this up folks, but keep your powder dry.

[nonsequitur]

GloverMart said:

I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.

It caused a twenty minute jam.

Police believe it may have been orchestrated.

...Playing a selection of Cars tracks no doubt.

[K12beano]

nonsequitur said:

GloverMart said:

I was caught in a crash yesterday between a coach load of session musicians and a lorry carrying instruments.

It caused a twenty minute jam.

Police believe it may have been orchestrated.

...Playing a selection of Cars tracks no doubt.

Or some Lorry Anderson?

[Porsche guy]

K12beano said:

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

Cycle, Shirley?

God knows who this "Shirley" is but her name crops up on here from time to time

[glenrobbo]

Porsche guy said:

K12beano said:

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

Cycle, Shirley?

God knows who this "Shirley" is but her name crops up on here from time to time

Shirley? She's the local bike. Well rid.

[CourtAgain]

Porsche guy said:

K12beano said:

grumpy52 said:

During lockdown I have managed to build a car entirely of washing machine parts .
Going for a spin later .

Cycle, Shirley?

God knows who this "Shirley" is but her name crops up on here from time to time

Especially around Birmingham, Croydon and Southampton