Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[Mammasaid]

Pixelpeep Z4 said:

Mammasaid said:

Pixelpeep Z4 said:

Went to look at a house yesterday with period features. She hates me calling her that.
had beef stew with dumplings afterwards. She's not keen on that nickname either.

Jamaica?

lol - appreciate the set up


"no, she went of her own accord"

[glenrobbo]

mybrainhurts said:

Magnificent stalking, did you check every day for four years?

This demonstrates the depth of loyalty bestowed upon Vipers by his fanbase.

[RyanOPlasty]

Pixelpeep Z4 said:

Went to look at a house yesterday with period features. She hates me calling her that.
had beef stew with dumplings afterwards. She's not keen on that nickname either.

Do you also have Gary Delaney's book?

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

mybrainhurts said:

Magnificent stalking, did you check every day for four years?

This demonstrates the depth of loyalty bestowed upon Vipers by his fanbase.

[Porsche guy]

Monkeylegend said:

A lorry carrying Vics vapour rub has crashed on the M1. Police are reporting no congestion in the area.

[Vipers]

Going cheap, ex army bomb disposal equipment, buyer picks up, near Exeter.

[littleowl]

Meanwhile on Exmouth Beach.....

"Dad! I've found a shell!"
"So what?"
"No, Dad! I've dug up shell!! It was in the sand!! Really!!"
"Yeah, ok. We're on a beach. There's loads of them"
"This one's a bit different Dad"
"Really? I doubt it. Can you hear the sea when you put your ear to it?"
"No. But I did do that. And it's making a ticking noise"
"A ticking noise? That's odd"
"Yes Dad"
"You said it was different from the other shells. In what way?"
"It's large, metal, rusty & it's got a swastika on it, Dad"
"Right. I can hear ticking now"
"Yes Dad. It's getting louder as well"

[Morningside]

Vipers said:

Going cheap, ex army bomb disposal equipment, buyer picks up, near Exeter.

This classic from Whoops Apocalypse with Rick Mayall.

WARNING: Swearing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnpKqFWsbSk

[cologne2792]

littleowl said:

Meanwhile on Exmouth Beach.....

"Dad! I've found a shell!"
"So what?"
"No, Dad! I've dug up shell!! It was in the sand!! Really!!"
"Yeah, ok. We're on a beach. There's loads of them"
"This one's a bit different Dad"
"Really? I doubt it. Can you hear the sea when you put your ear to it?"
"No. But I did do that. And it's making a ticking noise"
"A ticking noise? That's odd"
"Yes Dad"
"You said it was different from the other shells. In what way?"
"It's large, metal, rusty & it's got a swastika on it, Dad"
"Right. I can hear ticking now"
"Yes Dad. It's getting louder as well"

Bob Newhart still has my favourite take on bomb disposal:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArMf6xbMsLI

[nonsequitur]

That blew me away.

[Monkeylegend]

And on that bombshell.................

[kowalski655]

Bob Newhart is an absolute comedy genius

[Doofus]

kowalski655 said:

Bob Newhart is an absolute comedy genius

I can't stand him; his tedious delivery kills every joke, IMO.

Perhaps it's a generational thing.

[nonsequitur]

Doofus said:

kowalski655 said:

Bob Newhart is an absolute comedy genius

I can't stand him; his tedious delivery kills every joke, IMO.

Perhaps it's a generational thing.

'The Driving Instructor' got me started on the road to liking all his stuff.

[CourtAgain]

Monkeylegend said:

A lorry carrying Vics vapour rub has crashed on the M1. Police are reporting no congestion in the area.

A van has shed its load of honey on the Great West Road in Brentford, police advise motorists to stick to the outside lane

[anonymous-user]

CourtAgain said:

Monkeylegend said:

A lorry carrying Vics vapour rub has crashed on the M1. Police are reporting no congestion in the area.

A van has shed its load of honey on the Great West Road in Brentford, police advise motorists to stick to the outside lane

A van has shed its load of evo stick contact adhesive on the Great West Road. Police are the urging motorists to leave at the nearest exit due to a long tailback of motorists stuck in the middle lane.

[57Ford]

Number 32...

[Monkeylegend]

Meanwhile a cement lorry has collided with a prison van just outside Nuneaton. The police are looking for three hardened criminals.

[Pixelpeep Z4]

In my last job all i did was punch buttons all day. That's probably whey the circus fired me.

[SpeckledJim]

Pixelpeep Z4 said:

In my last job all i did was punch buttons all day. That's probably whey the circus fired me.

Pantomime? Is Buttons a circus thing as well?