Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[Vipers]

Doofus said:

Vipers said:

Different people find different things funny, can’t please them all.

You, of all people, should know that.

I do indeed. but I try my best.

[anonymous-user]

deeen said:

V6 Pushfit said:

Vipers said:

V8mate said:

I don't understand why my local cemetery has put its prices up, blaming the cost of living.

Its a popular place, people are dying to get in there.

its the dead centre of town

Another one's opened on the same street... stiff competition.

It’ll be their funeral

[stuartmmcfc]

I told my Son to eat the left overs in the fridge.
Silly sod nearly froze to death.

[stuartmmcfc]

I just got sacked from my job as an interrogator.
I don’t know why, I didn’t like to ask.

[Monkeylegend]

I just got sacked from my job as an interrogator as well.

They said I asked too many questions.

[Sticks.]

I worked with some weird people in my last job. They used to give food names. So in the fridge there'd be a sandwich with 'Dave' on it, or some milk with 'Susan'. Weird. Still tasted OK though.

[ian in lancs]

The weather here is really bad so I went next door to my 80-year-old neighbour to see if she had a shopping list. Fortunately, she did, so I gave her mine too. No point us both getting wet and cold in this storm.

[ColinM50]

ian in lancs said:

The weather here is really bad so I went next door to my 80-year-old neighbour to see if she had a shopping list. Fortunately, she did, so I gave her mine too. No point us both getting wet and cold in this storm.

Typical northerner, all hert and always thinking of others. Long live the northern powerhouse

[Sticks.]

ian in lancs said:

The weather here is really bad so I went next door to my 80-year-old neighbour to see if she had a shopping list. Fortunately, she did, so I gave her mine too. No point us both getting wet and cold in this storm.

You're lucky. My elderly neighbour is so lazy she's not even taken her milk in all week.

[john2443]

I walked into town with my wife last week, when it was time to come home, she decided she'd done enough walking and would get the bus, but as we'd walked there I didn't have my bus pass and I wasn't going spend £2 on the bus fare so I ran home behind the bus.

When we got home she asked why I was out of breath, I told her I'd run and saved £2.

She said, You silly sod, you should have run home behind a taxi and you'd have saved a tenner!

[Ayahuasca]

Love Island has been banned in China - authorities say the mortality rate is too high for them to cope with.

[glenrobbo]

ColinM50 said:

Typical northerner, all heart and always thinking of others. Long live the northern powerhouse

Don't you mean "outhouse"?

[The Li-ion King]

'Hello Office365 support, what's the nature of the problem?'

'Eggshell'

'Eggshell??'

'Yesh'

'Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?'

[Laurel Green]

Paddy, "I think my wife's selling drugs"

Mick, "How come?"

Paddy, "The phone rung this morning, I answered it, and some bloke said, has the dope gone yet?"

[K12beano]

I know you've all been wondering about Vipers, and where he got all his material.


Well, so am I, but I'm mighty impressed that he did some script writing for this guy's jokes and ad libs a little while back....

https://youtu.be/9R14fwado0A

[A Winner Is You]

What kind of music do wind turbines like?





They're huge metal fans

[anonymous-user]

Ayahuasca said:

Love Island has been banned in China - authorities say the mortality rate is too high for them to cope with.

The first double joke for both recent events. Well done.

[anonymous-user]

Sorry if this is a repost. I heard it the other day and it made me chuckle...

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Pop it in the oven until its Bill Withers

[Evangelion]

ian in lancs said:

The weather here is really bad so I went next door to my 80-year-old neighbour to see if she had a shopping list. Fortunately, she did, so I gave her mine too. No point us both getting wet and cold in this storm.

Great minds think alike. I did exactly the same with one elderly neighbour yesterday, but I have to say that I was a little concerned she might get blown away in the strong wind as she's a bit tiny and frail. So I added plenty of potatoes and tinned food to my list to keep her safely weighted down. It worked a treat but it she did struggle up that steep hill on the way back.

[K12beano]

I’ve just opened a can of worms.

They just seem to sit there, the worms.

Nothing like the chaos I had seen advertised.