Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

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Porsche guy

3,465 posts

227 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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Leftfootwonder said:
Tim Vine?

Have another:
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.
laugh

Porsche guy

3,465 posts

227 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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epom said:
Ya know what always makes me throw up ??

A dart board on the ceiling....
laugh

john2443

6,337 posts

211 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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MartG

20,678 posts

204 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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Kudos to her for continuing the interview even after a bird shat on her...



Edit - Interested to note that while st is censored shat isn't smile

67Dino

3,583 posts

105 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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MartG said:
Kudos to her for continuing the interview even after a bird shat on her...



Edit - Interested to note that while st is censored shat isn't smile
The show must guano
getmecoat

languagetimothy

1,090 posts

162 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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I said "hey Siri, surely it's not going to rain again today"

Siri responded " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"

Forgot to switch off Airplane mode on my phone.


vaud

50,503 posts

155 months

Friday 5th March 2021
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Doofus said:
kowalski655 said:
Bob Newhart is an absolute comedy genius
I can't stand him; his tedious delivery kills every joke, IMO.

Perhaps it's a generational thing.
He was from before my time, but I think he is a genius. It's comedy story telling rather than stand up.

GloverMart

11,818 posts

215 months

Saturday 6th March 2021
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My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

“What’s that?” I asked

“A large building with lots of kids” he replied.

Vantagemech..

5,728 posts

215 months

Saturday 6th March 2021
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languagetimothy said:
I said "hey Siri, surely it's not going to rain again today"

Siri responded " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"

Forgot to switch off Airplane mode on my phone.
smile very good

vaud

50,503 posts

155 months

Saturday 6th March 2021
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GloverMart said:
My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

“What’s that?” I asked

“A large building with lots of kids, but that’s not important right now” he replied.
EFA and stolen.

nonsequitur

20,083 posts

116 months

Saturday 6th March 2021
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vaud said:
GloverMart said:
My son came home and told me “I’ve been awarded the Leslie Nielsen award at school today”

“What’s that?” I asked

“A large building with lots of kids, but that’s not important right now” he replied.
EFA and stolen.
Below the belt line.

K12beano

20,854 posts

275 months

Saturday 6th March 2021
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MartG

20,678 posts

204 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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This bloke came in to my shop today and asked me, "Why is that exit sign flickering on & off?"

I said, "It's on it's way out".....

Lordbenny

8,584 posts

219 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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MartG said:
This bloke came in to my shop today and asked me, "Why is that exit sign flickering on & off?"

I said, "It's on it's way out".....
I think replacing the second ‘its’ with ‘the’ would work better!

MartG

20,678 posts

204 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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MartG

20,678 posts

204 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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Mammasaid

3,835 posts

97 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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MartG said:

Filton-flyer

352 posts

87 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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There was this young lad, about 14 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the lad and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute young lads. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bh who ran over my FROG!"

Filton-flyer

352 posts

87 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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r159

2,262 posts

74 months

Sunday 7th March 2021
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Filton-flyer said:
Epic!
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