Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[GloverMart]

I’ve just offered my elderly neighbour £10 to have a go on her stairlift.

I think she is going to take me up on it.

[kowalski655]

My parents made me go on holiday to Stockholm with them
I didnt like it at first

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?
Because of the Finnish!

I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear

Edited by kowalski655 on Sunday 29th December 22:00

[Caruso]

GloverMart said:

I’ve just offered my elderly neighbour £10 to have a go on her stairlift.

I think she is going to take me up on it.

I think you'll find it will drive you up the wall.

[nonsequitur]

There is a new super fast stairlift on the market. Gets you upstairs before you have forgotten why you went up there.

[anonymous-user]

kowalski655 said:

I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear

The best this volume

[K12beano]

nonsequitur said:

There is a new super fast stairlift on the market. Gets you upstairs before you have forgotten why you went up there.

See... the old people on this thread....

...oh. I seem to have forgotten the point I was going to make.

[Cotty]

V6 Pushfit said:

I lost my job at the calendar factory - all I had done was take a day off.

I used to work in the firework factory but they let me go.

[SpeckledJim]

Cotty said:

V6 Pushfit said:

I lost my job at the calendar factory - all I had done was take a day off.

I used to work in the firework factory but they let me go.

I got caught pilfering from the firework factory, but they let me off.

[Doofus]

He only works one day a year, but every time Santa turns up at the office he gets the sack.

[nonsequitur]

Cotty said:

V6 Pushfit said:

I lost my job at the calendar factory - all I had done was take a day off.

I used to work in the firework factory but they let me go.

You were fired.

[nonsequitur]

V6 Pushfit said:

kowalski655 said:

I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear

Charlie Drake is STILL waiting.

[Cotty]

nonsequitur said:

Charlie Drake is STILL waiting.

Oh god I still remember some of the lyrics

My boomerang won't come back
I've waved the thing all over the place
Practiced till I was black in the face
I'm a big disgrace t' the Aborigine race
My boomerang won't back

[Wacky Racer]

Paddy was walking past a building site and he noticed a sign on the gate HANDYMAN WANTED.
He went in, applied for the job and the foreman said "OK start tomorrow"

The next day the foreman said "OK Paddy, for your first job, move those bricks in the corner, over to there"
Paddy said "Oh, I can't do that sir, I have a terrible bad back"

The foreman said "Errr, OK then, paint that fence over there with that brown paint"
Paddy said "Oh no sir, the paint fumes play havoc with my chest"

Getting frustrated, the foreman said "OK, go over to that cement mixer and help Mick mix some cement"
"Oh no sir" Paddy said " The dust brings me out in a terrible rash"

The foreman said "Blimey, you're no good, what's so handy about you?"
Paddy said "Well sir, I only live round the corner"

[Monkeylegend]

If you get a link called "free porn" don't opin it.

It is a viros wich deactivates your spelcheck and fks up you riting.

i also receibed it but lukily I don't watch porn so I dint opin it.

Plaese warm yu frends.

wks.

[Evangelion]

nonsequitur said:

There is a new super fast stairlift on the market. Gets you upstairs before you have forgotten why you went up there.

I tried to order one but was told it had been discontinued due to escalating costs.

[Stan the Bat]

kowalski655 said:

My parents made me go on holiday to Stockholm with them
I didnt like it at first

How do you know you've reached the end of Scandinavia?
Because of the Finnish!

I threw a boomerang away a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear

Edited by kowalski655 on Sunday 29th December 22:00

Subtle that first one.

[anonymous-user]

Stan the Bat said:

Subtle that first one.

Very!

[soupdragon1]

V6 Pushfit said:

The wife’s doctor told her she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.

That was a big change for her. She's been with that Doctor for nearly 20 years.

FTFY

[The Li-ion King]

You don't want always have to gave up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

[Nimby]

Evangelion said:

nonsequitur said:

There is a new super fast stairlift on the market. Gets you upstairs before you have forgotten why you went up there.

I tried to order one but was told it had been discontinued due to escalating costs.

I keep getting ads for the damn things from Spammah Stairlifts.