Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 10ish)

[Vipers]

This wun has been spilled checqued..............


Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

[Pixelpeep Z4]

No matter how many times i try and buy conveyor belt dividers, the cashier just keeps putting them back.

[stitched]

Vipers said:

This wun has been spilled checqued..............


Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

Took me a second but

Thanks

[ThunderSpook]

Vipers said:

This wun has been spilled checqued..............


Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

This might actually be a new joke!!!

[anonymous-user]

ThunderSpook said:

Vipers said:

This wun has been spilled checqued..............


Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

This might actually be a new joke!!!

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

[Monkeylegend]

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Only for those who lack a sense of humour

[Halmyre]

Thing is it works fine without the 'Paddy' element.

[Jasandjules]

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Well I am half Paddy and thought it was funny...

[ThunderSpook]

Jasandjules said:

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Well I am half Paddy and thought it was funny...

Same here, to be sure.

[anonymous-user]

ThunderSpook said:

Jasandjules said:

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Well I am half Paddy and thought it was funny...

Same here, to be sure.

Ah begorra I laughed top o t’mornin t’yez

[MarkwG]

ThunderSpook said:

Vipers said:

This wun has been spilled checqued..............


Friday night, Mick went to his friend Paddy and said, "Paddy, I need a favour - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Mick's lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with the bartender asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied. After some time, the bartender became suspicious and asked, "Paddy what are you really up to with all this?"

Paddy, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the bartender and said, "I'm sorry Seamus, my friend Mick is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."

The bartender smiled and putting a brotherly hand on Paddy's shoulder, said "Paddy I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago."

This might actually be a new joke!!!

nope...

[Vipers]

ThunderSpook said:

Jasandjules said:

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Well I am half Paddy and thought it was funny...

Same here, to be sure.

I remember Dave Allan on telly saying he had been told off for telling too many Irish jokes.

So he said "There were these two chinese blokes working for Wimpey....."

[anonymous-user]

Vipers said:

ThunderSpook said:

Jasandjules said:

Cliffe60 said:

I thought “Paddy” jokes were considered racist these days.

Well I am half Paddy and thought it was funny...

Same here, to be sure.

I remember Dave Allan on telly saying he had been told off for telling too many Irish jokes.

So he said "There were these two chinese blokes working for Wimpey....."

I remember Dave Allan telling a story about the first funeral he went to aged about 10.
As the coffin was lowered into the grave the priest said “In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost..”, but the young Dave thought the priest had said, “ In the name of the Father and of the Son and into the hole he goes”.
I always think of that at funerals now.

[HighwayToHull]

At the last burial our family attended (as opposed to a cremation), as we were walking threw the cemetery to the grave, my sister in law said,

"This always reminds me of that Dave Allen sketch - the one where the two undertakers are racing each other."

I couldn't resist a silent titter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt7h3CghJEg

[K12beano]

[MartG]

HighwayToHull said:

At the last burial our family attended (as opposed to a cremation), as we were walking threw the cemetery to the grave, my sister in law said,

"This always reminds me of that Dave Allen sketch - the one where the two undertakers are racing each other."

I couldn't resist a silent titter.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt7h3CghJEg

I remember that sketch too

[Pixelpeep Z4]

The deep fried mars bar is not the only thing Scottish people will see get battered tonight at 8pm !

[nonsequitur]

Pixelpeep Z4 said:

The deep fried mars bar is not the only thing Scottish people will see get battered tonight at 8pm !

Secure the goalposts !

[EarlOfHazard]

[Stan the Bat]

K12beano said:

Reminds me of the old Stevie Wonder joke.

Fellow in the audience is shouting out to Stevie "Play a Jazz chord ,Play a Jazz chord".

Stevie says which one do you mean ?

Guy says " I Jazz chord to say I loved you"..